Legend of The Seeker: Season Two Parody
by smartie2742
Summary: Basically this is a parody of the second season of Legend of The Seeker. I'll have each episode as a chapter and will continue adding new chapters whenever I get the chance. Reading my season one parody is recommended, but not required. Enjoy!
1. Introduction

Here it is, Season 2! But before we start off, I've decided to add something to this parody that I did not have in the last one. A counter! Basically, I'll be adding points whenever a specific action occurs.. Why? Because after parodying season one, I got curious.

**Add-In (AI)**: One point for every person/place/thing that is not in the books.

**Book Rape (BR)**: A point for whenever something from the books has been so messed up that book fans start petitioning to remove "based on the Sword of Truth series of books" from the credits.

**Confessed (C)**: Added in last minute. One point for every person confessed.

**Death Toll (DT):** A point for every person who dies in this seemingly, endless war.

**Epic Sword Fight (ESF)**: A point for every time I find myself typing "epic sword fight ensues."

**Zomg That Happened! (ZTH)**: I don't know how else to title this. But a point is awarded whenever something actually follows the books- even if it's slightly different. Because if I didn't award points to moments that happen in the books but are off by a person, place, or thing, then this tally would probably remain at zero.

I'll add up the tallies at the end of each chapter, along with the total. If you catch one I missed, feel free to inform me.

I'd also like to take this time to add a disclaimer...

Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of The Seeker, Richard, Kahlan, Zedd, or Darken Rahl (Damn!). I also do not own any other oddities or pop-culture references that I may bring up in future chapters. All I own is a computer, a phone chord, and a pair of flannel pajamas.

Also keep in mind that I love the TV show and the books, even though I will probably be more mean to this season than last season.

If you like this, feel free to poke my Season 1 Parody of this show.

Now that I have bored you with my pointless ramblings, let's get to the action!


	2. Marked

_We start off in D'Hara, where a mob of poor, oppressed D'Harans are knocking down a statue of Darken Rahl._

Martha: Oh Rachel, now that Darken Rahl is gone, we can have pizza parties again!

Rachel: Hooray! But... Where'd he go?

_Where did Darken Rahl disappear to? Why, the Underworld of course! Or Hades. Or Hell. Or a massive rock of toxic greenery. It depends on your religion._

Voice: Oh great and sexy Rahl, awake!

Darken: Dammit! Even in death, the voices still keep talking to me...

Voice: Wtf? This is the Keeper speaking!

Darken: Oh...

Keeper: Anyways, even though you failed me earlier, you will come in handy now.

Darken: It wasn't me who failed, it was those producers! I commanded them to make it so that I'd rule the world. They even had the script all nice and written out. But they changed everything last minute...

Keeper: Enough rambling! I will have the Seeker in my grasp and you shall help me!

_Back on Earth..._

Everyone: Hooray for the Seeker and his Seeker skills of Seekerness!

Richard: Yay! I'm special! But I wanna go home now, kay?

Zedd: Oh Richard... Shut up and eat your vegetables!

Rachel: Hi Zedd! Where are you off to now?

Zedd: We're taking Kahlan to Aydindril where she can do Mother Confessor things.

Rachel: Is she gonna marry Richard?

Kahlan: Are you kidding me? Putting up with Richard for the past year has been enough. I don't think I could take another week!

Richard: But... I wuvs you! And I even grew out my hair and am starting to grow a beard... I look like a man now!

Kahlan: Silly Richard, we can never be together! My confessor powers will destroy your soul. How many times must I repeat myself?

Zedd: Well this is getting awkward. I got a great idea! I could make-

_Suddenly a large creature breaks through a large window. Everyone starts screaming as a man is decapitated (**+1 DT**). Richard pulls out his sword and attempts to battle this strange, skeletal/dog/gollum thing. He fails. Zedd tries shooting fire at it. He fails. The creature leaps up onto the ceiling and starts crawling around._

Zedd: FREEZE! Freeze, or it will kill us all!

Rachel: My nose itches! (_Scratches nose_.)

Kahlan: Nooo!

Richard: Come on, creature! Follow me!

_So Richard runs outside and the creature follows. Richard manages to trick the creature into falling over a cliff. The creature somehow lives, but runs off somewhere._

_Meanwhile, at Darken Rahl's castle, mord sith are bathing in a large, bath thing._

Mord Sith: Cara, hurry up! We need to go to the People's Palace to swear allegiance to Lord Rahl!

Cara: Oh blah blah blah. There is no Lord Rahl, Triana! Now gtfo!

Triana: O rly? Then why do our agiels still work?

Cara: We can wait until the new Lord Rahl shows up. Until then, us mord sith shall reign. We're all going to meet at this Temple of Jandrin (**+1 AI**) place to discuss more.

Triana: Gosh, Cara, when did you get so bossy?

Cara: Stfu! (_Bitch smacks Triana_.) You serve me now, betch!

_Back to Richard, Kahlan, and Zedd._

Richard: And this is where I last saw that funky creature.

Kahlan: Whoa! What's with all those cracks of toxic green light in the ground?

Zedd: Oh bollocks! That thing must've been a screeling! We must hack it to pieces in order to kill it.

Richard: But... That's what I tried doing!

Zedd: Oh, we've got bigger problems than a demon dog/gollum thing. There's a tear in the veil!

Kahlan: Dammit! I was hoping it wasn't noticeable...

Zedd: Whut? I was talking about the veil that separates life from death! Now the Keeper could get through to us and kill us all.

Kahlan: Oh. Well, how did this happen?

Zedd: The power of Orden! And we'll need the Stone of Tears to seal it. (**+1 ZTH!**)

Richard: Okay! Let's find it!

Zedd: But... Nobody knows where it is! I mean, you don't just leave something like that lying around...

Kahlan: But... Richard's special! He can find it!

Zedd: How is it possible to find one tiny stone in one big world?

Richard: You gotta believe!

_Enter man._

Man: Soldiers are in town and want to see you!

_In town._

Richard: Alright you crazy D'Haran bastards! You will leave this town or I will fuck your shit up so bad that you'll... do something unsoldierish.

Captain: Ah, but we are here to serve you!

Richard: Wtf?

_So then the captain tells Richard, Kahlan, and Zedd a lovely tale of the history of his service._

Captain: I served Panis Rahl. Some people didn't like him because he was blond, but there was peace. (_Peace under a Rahl that isn't Richard? __**+1 BR**_) He had a cute widdle boy named Darken but then he became evil. I mean, he really should've seen that coming the moment he named him "Darken." Seriously. If you name your kid Darken, he's gonna turn out evil! Anyways, Darken was sexy as a teenager. Zomg looking at this flashback... Holy damn! If fan girls thought he was hot as a thirty-something year old man... That ain't got nothing on his late-teenage counterpart! Damn he was one hot mo fo... Anyways, where was I? Oh right! His father feared the future of D'Hara so he decided to make more babies that could overthrow Darken Rahl and take his place. And that's where you came in!

Richard: Whut? I'm sorry, I totally blanked out! I missed everything you said after "I served..."

Zedd: (_Gasp_) Lies! BLASPHEMOUS LIES! My daughter would never bed a blond man named Panis!

Richard: Your daughter? Hey! You're daughter is my mother! Which means my mother did it with a blond man named Panis... Wait, who's Panis again?

Captain: Panis Rahl disguised himself as Johnny Depp and wooed your mother. Thus- Richard Rahl was born! This information did not amuse Darken so he killed his father and ordered me to chop up the body and donate the meat to a homeless shelter. Instead, I convinced a mord sith to revive him and then I killed her. And theeeeen, Panis Rahl went into hiding and Darken Rahl ordered all first born sons of Brennidon to be slaughtered. Luckily, I had sent a message to Zedd to come save baby Richard. Now I have come to escort you to the throne of D'Hara.

Richard: Hey, have you ever wondered why Kahlan's hair _always_ looks pretty- even when we've been traveling in the woods for weeks without bathing? Same with that white dress of hers! I mean, really Kahlan? This is, like, the Middle Ages! Laundry detergent hasn't been invented yet! How do you remove the stains?

Kahlan: Richard... Shut up and listen to the nice man!

Captain: Richard, Darken Rahl is your brother. Since he is dead, you are now Lord Rahl.

Richard: Whut? Noooooo! I don't wanna be a Lord Rahl! And Darken Rahl is my father, dammit!

Captain: No, he is your brother!

_And then all the book fans began crying and ranting about how Darken Rahl is supposed to be Richard's father- not brother (**+1 BR**). Yet Richard ends up as Lord Rahl either way (**+1 ZTH**)._

_Meanwhile, at the Mord Sith Temple thing, Triana is scrubbing floors. Suddenly, the spirit of Darken Rahl appears._

Triana: Hooray! You're alive!

Darken: No, I am not. Thanks for reminding me I'm dead. As punishment for reminding me of my failure, you will have to do a special task for me and the Keeper. And if you do a good enough job, he'll give you his entire collection of Pokemon cards! Why, I hear he even has that holographic Charizard you've been searching for all these years...

Triana: Sweet! I'll do it!

Darken: Yes! But first you and your sisters must destroy Cara for siding with the Seeker.

_Back to Richard, Kahlan, and Zedd._

Zedd: I can't believe my daughter did it with Panis... How could I let this happen?

Richard: It's okay. All of this is lies anyway. Darken Rahl isn't my brother... He's my father!

Kahlan: Richard, this is the TV-

Richard: Noooo! Darken Rahl is not my brother! He is my father and I disown him. Now where can we find this Stone of Tears?

Zedd: How am I supposed to know? I'm a man, not a computer! Ah well, I suppose we could go to the Wizard's Keep. I hear they've got lots of books.

Richard: Okay- You go find some books. Kahlan, you help townspeople board up their houses and stuff. I'll go track down this screeling with the help of my new D'Haran army!

Kahlan: Damn Richard! When did you get so bossy?

Captain: Uh... Not very many D'Haran soldiers will accept you as Lord Rahl. You'll have to kill them.

Richard: Wtf? Noez! I don't wanna kill anyone!

Captain: Jeez, haven't you ever read The Prince? It is better to be feared than loved!

Richard: Meh, I'll find another way to make them follow me. But first- I shall kill this screeling!

_Meanwhile, the mord sith are traveling in the woods._

Triana: Zomg look! It's Bigfoot!

Cara: Whut? Where?

_The mord sith suddenly start beating her up. Triana steals her agiel and chops her hair short._

Triana: Instead of killing you, we shall leave you to Bigfoot! Or the townspeople. Or Bigfoot _and_ the townspeople.

_Meanwhile, Kahlan is boarding up broken windows. Suddenly, two guards are shot with arrows (**+2 DT**). More arrows are shot which causes pandemonium. Turns out the herd of mord sith have showed up to take little girls. Kahlan attempts to fight them all off._

_Meanwhile, Richard is leading his new D'Haran army through wood when he hears an odd nosie._

Richard: Bigfoot?

_Suddenly, arrows are shot at the Captain. A large mob of people race over to attack the soldiers. Epic sword fight ensues (**+1 ESF**). Captain dies (**+1 DT**). Richard finds himself up against a man who is... quite attractive. He is also an observant fellow because he recognizes Richard as the Seeker._

Attractive Man: Seeker? Wtf are you doing with these men?

Richard: Attractive man? Wtf are you doing attacking us?

Attractive Man: I'll call off my men if you call off yours!

Richard: Okay!

_Men are called off._

Attractive Man: I am Mowin Briar (**+1 AI**). I'm a leader of the resistance and...

_At this point, I am too distracted by this man's attractiveness to even know what the hell he's saying. I think it involved mysterious deaths because..._

Richard: A screeling attacked those men and we're here to kill it!

Briar: Well aren't you special? But... Why are you siding with the D'Harans? I can't stand them and that Darken Rahl! He's sexier than meh!

Richard: I feel your pain. They say he's sexier than me too...

Briar: As am I...

D'Haran Person: How dare you show disrespect to Lord Rahl's sexiness!

Briar: Whut?

Richard: Yeah, I guess I'm Lord Rahl now. Idk. Point is that there is now a scarier enemy than Darken Rahl out there. I mean, I, personally, think Darken Rahl is a wuss. Zedd's butt is more frightening than him...

Briar: I will not join hands and help D'Harans! COMMUNIST PIGS!

D'Haran: CAPITALIST SCUM!

(_They fight._)

Richard: STOP FIGHTING! Or else I'll start singing the Brady Bunch theme song!

Briar and D'Haran: Grumble grumble... (_Lower weapons. In the distance, a bell tolls._)

Briar: "For whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee..."

D'Haran: Wrong! It's "For whom the bell tolls, time marches on..."

Briar: No... it tolls for thee!

D'Haran: No... time marches on!

Briar: You fail at poetry!

D'Haran: You fail at metal!

Richard: You both fail at life! Now you resistance people go protect your family while you D'Harans come with me to see what's wrong with the town now!

_In town..._

Richard: Wtf?

Kahlan: Mord sith came and took seven girls- including Rachel!

Richard: No problem! I can get them back with my new, D'Haran army!

D'Haran: Sorry but... saving little girls was not in my job description. We came only to take you to your palace.

Richard: But... those little girls will become mord sith!

D'Haran: Yes. More servants for you!

Richard: But... I don't want servants!

D'Haran: You're weak!

Richard: (_Bitch smacks_) How dare you question meh!

_Scene. Some D'Harans found Cara and bring her to Richard._

Richard: Cara?

Cara: Bigfoot?

Richard: Where are the children?

Cara: Wtf?

Richard: The children you and your sisters took away!

Cara: If you haven't noticed, my hair has been chopped short and I have no agiel. My sisters betrayed me!

Kahlan: O rly? Well, I'll just have to confess you!

Richard: She's lying?

Kahlan: Idk! Mord sith don't have micro-expressions. They're impossible to read.

Richard: (_Pulls Kahlan away_) She helped me destroy Darken Rahl.

Kahlan: So. We still can't trust her!

Richard: Trust meeeee! I'm the Seeker!

Kahlan: Fine.

Richard: (_To Cara_) Help us find your sisters!

Cara: Only if you help me kill them!

Richard: My seeker senses tell me they went that way!

Cara: Then that means they're at the Drowning Cave! (**+1 AI**) During storms, it fills with water. Disobedient trainees are left there to suffer during the rainy season. Our only way through is this narrow canyon that is high up. No exit. And they probably got D'Harans waiting to ambush you.

Richard: But... there has to be a drain we can crawl through! And we can go through the narrow canyon.

Kahlan: But they'll be expecting that!

Richard: I'm the Seeker, and Lord Rahl, dammit! And I say you follow my orders!

D'Haran: No worries! We'll follow your orders no matter what!

Richard: Don't be a kiss ass!

_Meanwhile, Zedd is resting at a river. Shota appears._

Shota: Hi Zedd! I saw a vision that the Seeker must go to this one place (**+1 AI**) to get to the Stone of Tears.

Zedd: Sweet.

Shota: Also, I hate to break it to you, but I read this prophecy that says that Richard will fail. You have to hire a new Seeker.

Zedd: Nooooo!

Shota: STFU! There will be three signs. Richard will deny power, he will embrace the red one, he will bear the Keeper's mark, and he will develop a bad habit of biting his nails.

Zedd: That's four signs...

Shota: Oh. Well anyways, once these signs happen, you will know I speak the truth!

_Meanwhile, the D'Harans are marching through narrow canyon. They meet up with mord sith._

Triana: So... where's the Seeker?

D'Haran: Give us the girls or die!

Triana: Pfft. You really think you can take on thirteen mord sith? And this really large D'Haran army I have on my side?

(_Enter really large D'Haran army_)

Large D'Haran army: DIE BITCH!

_Epic sword fight ensues (**+1 ESF**)._

_Meanwhile, Cara and Kahlan are crawling through the drain and into the cave._

_Back to epic sword fight. A mord sith is killed. (**+1 DT**). I see at least seven dead bodies on the ground. (**+7 DT**). Richard and his new resistance army led by Attractive Man sweep through the canyon and start fucking shit up. It appears that three more people die... (**+3 DT**)._

_Inside the cave..._

Cara: Sisters! How great to see you. As you can see, I brought the Mother Confessor with me. Isn't that wonderful?

Kahlan: (_Chucks dagger at mord sith. __**+1 DT**__._)

Cara: (_Beats up other mord sith._)

Rachel: Yay! You've come to save us!

Kahlan: Lets go!

Cara: Okay. (_Steals agiel_)

_Back to epic sword fight. I think I saw another three or four deaths... (**+4 DT**) Cara enters the fight. She goes up against Triana. Who will win? Why, Cara of course! And she steals her agiel back from her. And kills Triana. (**+1 DT**)_

_And the good guys win. They bring the children back to town where Rachel is reunited with her foster mother._

_Enter Zedd._

Zedd: Sup Richard! I have some news to tell you...

_Enter Screeling._

Screeling: Screel screel screel! (_Leaps about_)

Army: (_Attack screeling_)

Richard: Hey Mr. Screeling! Come after meeeeeee!

_And he knocks the screeling into a large fountain. Zedd quickly freezes the water just as the screeling jumps out. Richard shatters it with his sword and everyone cheers for the death of this screeling. Speaking of which... Should creatures be counted towards the death toll category? Meh... I'm gonna go with no. Because then that would mean I'd have to count every piece of meat that is consumed and every rabbit that is trapped. Plus the death toll is high enough already. Then again, I could end up with animal rights protesters boycotting my story for not including animals. Maybe I should add magical creatures to the toll... What do you think?_

Zedd: So now we have to go to this one place to find a secret to the stone.

Kahlan: Hurr... this one place is located in the opposite direction of the People's Palace.

Richard: Yeah about that... I changed my mind. I don't wanna be Lord Rahl anymores!

Zedd: (_Gasp_) You're denying power?

Richard: Yeah, the stone is more important.

Zedd: But... An army could help you!

Richard: Meh... uniting D'Harans is too difficult. The death toll is high enough already.

_Enter Cara._

Cara: You're a moron for turning down the title of Lord Rahl. I'm going to join you whether you want me to or not.

Richard: Yay! New friend!

Zedd: Embracing the red one?

_So they all head off to do their stuff. And that night, Richard keeps watch while the others sleep. Suddenly, a certain, sexy leader appears in the flames of their campfire._

Richard: Aaaa! Ghost!

Darken: Hello, brother!

Richard: I'm your son!

Darken: Whatever. If you are not aware, the death toll category is already high and we're only on the first chapter. You do more evil than good. Thus, I mark you for the Keeper! (_Imprints Richard with the Keeper's mark._) Farewell! (_Vanishes_)

Richard: (_Screams and wakes up._)

Zedd: Wtf?

Richard: (_Opens shirt, revealing a handprint burned into his flesh._)

Zedd: Gasp! You bear the Keeper's mark!

Richard: (_Bites fingernails)_

Zedd: (_Faints_)

* * *

Add-In: 4 = 4 Total

Book Rape: 2 = 2 Total

Death Toll: 21 = 21 Total

Epic Sword Fight: 2 = 2 Total

Zomg That Happened!: 2 = 2 Total


	3. Baneling

Announcer: Previously on Legend of the Seeker-

Cara: Stfu, announcer! If people are confused, they can read the previous chapter!

Announcer: Oh. Right...

_We start off with Zedd, Kahlan, Richard, and Cara preparing for a new day of traveling. _

Zedd: Psst. Kahlan... Here's your knife back! I know we should trust Richard and all, but I've felt uncomfortable with that red scare hanging around...

Richard: (_Off on a rock, admiring his reflection in his shiny sword._) Sword sword, in my hand, who's the fairest in the land?

Kahlan: I am!

Richard: Whut? My sword can talk? Holy crap cats! Oh... it's just you. We need to get going now to find a clue to the Stone of Tears so we can repair the veil and I can go back to my peaceful life in Hartland, 'kay?

_So they all gallop off to the place they need to go to get the Stone. Problem is, it's a barren wasteland of snow and weed._

Kahlan: D'Harans must be behind this...

Richard: Magic must be behind this...

Zedd: Fidel Castro must be behind this...

Cara: Castro? Wtf? Anyways, it doesn't matter who is behind this. Point is- we traveled all this way for nothing! Anyways, I bet whoever is behind this took the monks to Auschwitz.

Kahlan: Cara! We can't make references to the Holocaust in here! It's crude and tasteless and will make people upset!

Cara: (_Sigh_) Fine. They were probably taken to Talthrain (**+1 AI**).

Kahlan: Better.

_Meanwhile, in Au- Talthrain, monks are being hanged. Or hung. Whichever one is the proper usage. Some other cruel acts occur. In fact, this scene is too sad and depressing for me to even think of mocking. So instead, I'll just go straight to the captain (I think) of the camp. He urges a bunch of working men to load some chest with treasure. He then speaks with some old guy._

Captain (I think): General! Why do we execute these poor prisoners? Why not just... set them free? And we can run away? If we hurry, we can get out of going to trials for all the cold, cruel acts we've done. If we keep this up, we won't be able to use the "Rahl made me do it" excuse.

General: Don't speak logic! We're simply killing everyone so that no one could ever tell the tale! And we'll be gone long before people come after us.

_And now we're back to the depressing scene of people dying. And I just realized that I forgot to count the deaths from the previous, depressing scene. Okay, I went back and saw the deaths of four people. (**+4 DT**). Now let's see how many people die in this scene!_

Man: Look at you, you worthless piece of raccoon poop! You shall die!

Man about to be hanged: Communist pig! I spit in your face! (_Spits_)

Man: How dare you s-

_Suddenly, Richard, Kahlan, Zedd, and Cara break into the camp._

General: (_Gasp_) The Seeker! Kill that mo fo!

D'Harans: (_Attempt to kill that mo fo_)

_Two D'Harans die (**+2 DT**). The man who spat in the D'Haran's face ends up tying the rope around the man's neck and hangs him** (+1 DT**). One death from Richard, two deaths from Zedd, one death from Kahlan, another from Richard, one from Cara, another two from Richard, and a confession from Kahlan! Oh crap- I forgot! I wanted to add a confession category to the list! I guess it's okay to add it in now, since there haven't been any confessed people yet. So **+1 Confessed**. Oh, and **+8 DT**. Now the confessed man killed two men. (**+2 DT**) God this battle is going on forever! The General up in a tower tries shooting an arrow at Richard. Richard chucks his sword at him, thereby killing him. I guess he no longer has to worry about the trials! (**+1 DT**) And now that epic sword fight is finally over! (**+1 ESF**) So Richard and his friends start liberating the prisoners. Hooray!_

Richard: We're looking for this one guy (**+1 AI**) who the author of this parody stupidly thought was a place. Although everything makes sense to her now, the fact still remains that we have no idea where he is!

Man: Sorry, but I know nothing of it! There's a bunch of children here though. Wanna see them?

Richard: Otays!

_Richard follows the man while Kahlan stops to comfort a woman._

Woman: Hi, I'm Elanor and I don't know where my son,William is! Haaalp!

Kahlan: It's okay, We'll-

Child: Mommy!

Elanor: William!

Kahlan: Well, this scene is completely pointless.

Richard: Alright- Captain General Person Thingy! Where is the Abott monk person thing?

Captain: General executed him. I tried stopping him, but he told me to stop thinking logically...

Richard: Your words upset me! Now the Mother Confessor shall decide your punishment!

Cara: Ah, what does this matter? We need the Abott and he is gone. Thus, we shall leave this place!

Richard: But.... People here are suffering! We can't just leave them! I know! We shall bury all the dead bodies!

Cara: Oh? Well, what if the D'Harans turn into bloodthirsty zombies? I say we burn them!

Richard: Silly Cara! Zombies aren't real...

_So the bodies of the dead D'Harans are buried._

_Meanwhile, in the Underworld..._

General: Oh rattails! I'm dead.

Darken: Ah, but you don't have to remain dead... The Keeper would like to make you an offer to return to the land of the living!

_Back on Earth._

Kahlan: Okay! Everyone who is well enough to travel, leave. I don't understand why you haven't left already, seeing as we liberated this camp hours ago, but there you have it! Anyways, people who are incapable of traveling can chill in a little camp we are setting up outside this prison, kay?

Elanor: Is anyone going to Deerfolk?(**+2 AI**- one for Elanor, another for Deerfolk)

Cara: Sorry but D'Harans fucked that village up.

Elanor: Oh boogers! That's where my father lived!

Kahlan: It's okay! I'm sure your father lived through the massacre and is now in hiding. I'll help you find him!

Cara: Zomg Kahlan... Everyone there died!

Elanor: But... What am I supposed to dooooo? All my family ish deaded!

Kahlan: Aw, I'm sorry. But no worries- We'll help you find your father.

Elanor: Yay! (_leaves_)

Cara: False hope? Really, Kahlan. Really?

Kahlan: No compassion? Really, Cara. Really?

_In a storeroom._

Man: Here's the storeroom! Once filled with food but then the D'Harans ate it all.

Kahlan: Well Cara should be getting food for everyone now.

_Meanwhile, in a stable..._

Cara: Alright horsey! Now, I'm going to-

_Enter an adolescent boy._

Adolescent: Uhh... My brother is dead. I need a horse.

Cara: Sorry, but we need these horses to get food so that everyone won't starve to death. Go bury him elsewhere.

Adolescent: But... He needs to be buried with our parents!

Cara: Alright, fine! Whiny teenager...

_So the whiny teenager takes the horse to bury his brother's body as Richard sets up camping ground._

_Enter monk._

Monk: Zomg! Seeker! I hear you're looking for Abott?

Richard: You hear correctly.

Monk: Well... I'm part of his super secret fraternity! Talk to me?

_So Richard and Kahlan both explain the whole "torn veil, Keeper gonna kill us all, must have Stone of Tears" story._

Kahlan: And we heard that Abott has the secret location of the stone!

Monk: Yes he did! And the secret is inside a magical locket that has been passed down from one Abott to the next. Anyways, D'Harans took it. It's probably with all the valuables...

_So Richard and Kahlan go to the Captain person thing and get him to show them where the treasure is._

Captain: Okay, it should be right in this box! (_Opens box, revealing a dead person._)

Richard: A dead person... Of course you nasty D'Harans would think that the world's greatest treasure is a dead person!

Captain: Whut? Nooo! The treasure is supposed to be in here!

_And where is the treasure? Why, with that adolescent boy, of course!_

Adolescent: Arrrgh! I feel like a pirate! Hooray for all this treasure! Oh, I wonder what's inside this pretty locket? (P_ries open locket, goo shoots out onto his hand, making some sort of rune __design._) Well, this sucks!

_Meanwhile..._

Cara: Um... This dead body... Well, you're not going to be too pleased to hear this but I decided to show compassion to a whiny teenager by letting him borrow the horse to bury his dead brother with his parents... Instead it looks like he swapped the body with the treasure and is likely to never return...

Kahlan: Wtf? You believed a whiny teenager? Cara! You can never trust teenagers! They're irresponsible, think they know everything, and all they do is eat ten pounds of junk food every five hours and sleep in until noon!

Cara: Well how am I supposed to know? I never had a normal, teenage life!

Richard: Why are we standing around bashing teenagers? We need to find this kid!

_Loud screams are heard. The gang investigates and finds a monk surrounded by dead bodies._

Richard: Wtf? Who did this?

Monk: Idk, my bff Joe? He came back from the dead!

_That night, everyone is herded into the store room._

Kahlan: Okay! We need a guard to make sure no one enters or exits!

Man: I'll do it!

Kahlan: Ok! Here's the keys!

Man: You do know that Joe will still find a way to break in, right?

Kahlan: Just take this knife and shut up!

_Back to Richard, Cara, and Zedd._

Richard: So is it true? Joe found a way back from the grave and is gonna slaughter us all? I thought ghosts can't kill!

Zedd: They can't!

Cara: Zombies can!

Zedd: Zombies aren't real!

Cara: You're not real!

Richard: STFU! Go find who stole the Abott's locket! And don't kill him!

Cara: Fine! (_leaves_)

Zedd: So... Shall we take a look at Joe's grave?

_At Joe's grave._

Richard: (_gaspo_) His body is gone! And so are the rest of the D'Harans! Cara's right! Zombies are real! And there's going to be a zombie invasion! I once took a quiz on Facebook called "How long would you survive in a zombie invasion" and my result was five minutes! I only have five minutes to live! Noooooo!

_And Richard fell to his knees and cried like an emo bitch._

Zedd: Baaaaa! Obviously Cara gave all these soldiers the breath of life and is filling your head with zombie nonsense to make you jump to absurd conclusions!

Richard: But... Cara's my fwiend! But that matters not! We still have a bunch of evil beezies running around, slaughtering people. How are we gonna-

Voice: BOOOOO!

Richard: Aaaaah! Oh, you're a monk.

Monk: Not just any monk. I am the Abott! Now I have important news to tell you! I was in the Underworld and Darken Rahl told me the Keeper made me an offer to return to life if I kill people everyday.

Zedd: Zomg! Banelings! Why did I not think of those before?

Richard: Baneling?

Zedd: Basically someone who struck a deal with the Keeper to live but, in return, must kill people.

Richard: Ah! So there's not a zombie invasion! Indeed, there is a baneling invasion. Well, I haven't taken any quizzes on surviving baneling invasions but hopefully I'll survive longer than five minutes!

Zedd: Oh Richard... Just ask the nice man about the Stone of Tears!

Richard: Okay! Uh, I need to find the Stone of Tears. Help?

Abott: Yeah, that's kind of why I accepted the Keeper's offer.

Richard: Cool, so where's the locket I need?

Abott: Aaaaaah! I need to kill someone before I die again!

Richard: What do we do with the locket?

Abott: It took me years to learn that shit! There's no way I can tell you what to do in ten minutes!

Richard: Well, hurry up and kill someone!

_So they take the Abott to the D'Harans' cell. Turns out they're already dead!_

Abott: Gasp! Who do I kill now?

Richard: We'll find someone!

Abott: LISTEN! The locket contains a rune. Open the locket and the rune imprints itself onto your palm. Take your palm to The Prophets of Pahmora (**+1 AI**) and use the rune as a key to open- (_Disenegrates into nothingness._)

Richard: (_Sigh_) If only we didn't spend all that time trying to find someone for him to kill, we would've know what to open.

_Meanwhile, the adolescent is having some fun with a couple of whores._

_Enter Cara. Exit whores._

Cara: Alright, punk. Where's the treasure?

Adolescent: Good luck torturing me! I'm hard to break!

Cara: Torture you? I had something else in mind... I can bring you more pleasure than those whores can!

Adolescent: Okay! It's in the next town near this fork in this one river!

Cara: Great! Now show me there and then I'll give you the action you crave!

_Back to Kahlan, Richard, and Zedd._

Kahlan: What are we opening with this rune? I must know!

Richard: We got bigger problems... I can't find any quizzes on Facebook about how long I'd survive a baneling invasion!

Zedd: And why would they kill D'Harans?

Kahlan: Oh crap! I know who it is... That one guy I gave the keys to!

Richard: Well don't just stand there! Go find him!

_Kahlan leaves._

Richard: I just had a sudden thought... In _The Last Man on Earth_, the last man on Earth burned all the bodies of the people who died so that they wouldn't become zombies!

Zedd: So we burn the bodies to keep the souls from having a body to return to?

Richard: Well, I was just thinking about how silly that movie was and that a parody of it should be created, but your idea is much more helpful!

_So Richard and Zedd go and burn the bodies of the D'Harans so that they can't come back to life._

_Enter Cara and adolescent._

Cara: I got the locket! But this stupid kid opened it and has a rune on his hand now!

Zedd: Dammit! Now we have to take this guy with us to Pahmora!

Adolescent: Naw, I think I'm gonna go home now, kay?

Richard: I say we get Kahlan to confess him.

Zedd: No! Her magic might affect the rune.

Adolescent: Ah? Am I possibly worth something now? Sweet! Gimme some Cheetos and I'll go with you!

Richard: Wtf? Cheetos haven't been created yet!

Adolescent: Well that's too bad!

Cara: Yep! I guess I'll just have to cut off your hand...

Adolescent: Okay! I'll go!

_So Cara locks him in a room while Kahlan questions the guard._

Kahlan: Why the hell did you kill all those D'Harans?

Guard: Uh, sorry. Wasn't me!

Kahlan: Dammit! Who did it then?

_Meanwhile, in the adolescent's room, the adolescent hears strange noises outside._

Adolescent: Look, you can let me out now. I promise I won't eat the last pack of cookies...

_Door opens, revealing Elanor with a knife._

Elanor: DIE DIE DIE MY DARLING! (_stabs repeatedly_)

_Richard and Cara hear the boy's screams and come running to his aid._

Richard: He's dead!

Cara: Really now?

_In the Underworld..._

Darken: Welcome to the Underworld! Now, if I could have your name, number, and favorite animal, the Keeper would be willing to strike a deal with you.

Adolescent: Nooo! I'll tell you nothing!

Darken: What is that on your hand...?

Adolescent: (_vanishes_)

_Back in life, Cara is giving the boy the breath of life._

Adolescent: Holy crap!

Richard: 'Sup.

Adolescent: Darken Rahl! I saw him and he was asking me about my favorite animal and about the sticky stuff on my hand!

Richard: The rune feels sticky?

Adolescent: OH! Heh heh. I forgot about this rune...

Kahlan: (_Sigh_) Kids nowadays... Now who was it who killed you?

_Scene. Elanor and Kahlan._

Kahlan: So... You've been going around killing people? That's not nice!

Elanor: But... My son! I don't want him in an orphanage! Do you know how fucked up that system is?

Kahlan: Yes... But, it's not cool to kill people. I can't let you do that anymore.

Elanor: Alright. Just make sure William is safe, kay?

_Meanwhile, D'Harans are being D'Harany... (**+3 DT**)._

D'Haran: Well, General, I suppose that's the last of them.

General: Then I guess we should-

_Enter Darken Rahl._

Darken: A ha! But I have come to give you a more important task! Capture the adolescent boy with the sticky hand...

General: My Lord? There are many adolescent boys with sticky hands. How am I supposed to know the right one?

Darken: Well, this boy also has a rune imprinted on his hand. And his favorite animal is the manatee. Also, he's with the Seeker in Talthrain. Better hurry before he gets hold of the Stone of Tears.

_Meanwhile, Richard and Zedd are making preparations_

Richard: So Kahlan is keeping everyone safe and now you, me and Cara all have to go after banelings so that we can trap and burn them!

_Enter Cara._

Cara: Yeah, I found all the banelings. They're outside, trying to break down the gates with a battering ram.

Richard: I has an idea! But first, we sneak Kahlan and everyone else out.

_So Zedd uses magic to make a secret exit. Everyone escapes just as the banelings break open the gates._

Richard: Hey banelings! I'm up here on the fence! Like my firey arrow of doom? Oh, and we had a little gasoline problem- the camp got flooded with it. Oh no... I can't hold onto this arrow anymore... Oh darn! I dropped right into the stream of gasoline. Silly me!

_And then all the banelings burned to death. I'm not going to count them to the death toll, since they already died once. Also, I can't even see how many of them there are..._

_The next morning..._

Richard: Boy am I glad all that's over with! Now all those internment camp survivors can go back to a peaceful life.

Kahlan: Ah, but only if you find the Stone of Tears and defeat the Keeper! Alright, William, come meet this monk person who is going to take you to a wonderful place where Little Orphan Annie used to live...

William: Okays! (_Leaves with monk_)

Monk: So, kiddy... This place is going to be great! Lots of children to play with and animals and stuff...

William: (_Stabs monk and walks off into the sunlight_. **+1 DT**)

* * *

Tally

Add-In: 5 = 9 Total

Book Rape: 0 = 2 Total

Confessed: 1 = 1 Total

Death Toll: 22 = 43 Total

Epic Sword Fight: 1 = 3 Total

Zomg That Happened!: 0 = 2 Total


	4. Broken

_Enter a blind girl with a black crow on her arm. It flies up and away (the bird, not the girl). This seems awfully familiar... A girl with a crow. Like, she's from some village and that crow sends messages through dreams, or something. But no... Can't be her. We don't meet her for another six or seven books. Plus, wasn't it a raven she had?_

_Now that I have gotten a good look at the crow's beak, I see that it is not a crow, but a raven. Maybe it is her... Except I don't recall her being blind._

_Anyways, the raven flies over Kahlan and co's campsite. And now we get to enter the wonderful world of Kahlan Amnell's mind!_

Kahlan: Richard, oh Richard, wherefore art thou Richard?

Richard: (_Riding on a horse through a field of flowers._) I am here, my love! My stars! My beautiful gumdrops of ice cream cake!

Kahlan: Oh Richard...

Richard: Oh Kahlan...

_Skittles rain down from the sky as Richard and Kahlan hold hands and frolic through the flowers. But then the flowers suddenly die and the skittles are replaced with chunks of black licorice._

Kahlan: Wtf is going on?

Richard: Hey... Have you ever met anyone who actually likes black licorice? Cuz I haven't! I mean, it seems like everyone prefers red over black. So why is there even black licorice in the world?

Kahlan: Richard! Something much worse is happening than black licorice falling from the sky!

Richard: Oh goody! The black licorice changed into red licorice. I guess the candy gods heard me. But... it's liquidy! Who's ever heard of liquid licorice?

Kahlan: Richard... That's blood!

Richard: Damn...

_Enter girl with raven._

Girl: Kahlan... You will soon be the last of your kind! Sucks for you! Oh, and by the way, Richard loves Cara, not you.

Richard: It's true. I do.

Kahlan: Nooooooooo!

_And then Kahlan woke up._

Kahlan: Noooooooo!

Richard: What's wrong?

Kahlan: Bad dream.

Cara: 'Sup?

Kahlan: Stay away from my man, betch!

Cara: Whut?

Kahlan: Um... Nothing. So, I had a dream about this blind girl and her crowish raven and she said I will be the last of my kind.

Richard: Was I in this dream?

Kahlan: Um... No...

Zedd: (_Gasp_) That wasn't a dream! It was a message from that one chick from book nine of the Sword of Truth series!

Richard: But... That girl wasn't blind! And this is only book two! What's some chick from book nine doing being blind in season two? (**+1 BR**)

Kahlan: Sending me messages on me being the last confessor! Nooooo! We must go to Valeria and save my confessor friends!

Cara: Yeah... About that... Um, we shouldn't we take this teenager to Pahmora to get the Stone of Tears first?

Richard: You and Zedd can take Flinn to Pahmora whilst Kahlan and I go to Valeria.

Cara: (_Cough_) Waste of time! (_cough_)

Kahlan: Whut?

Cara: (_Sigh_) If you must know, all the confessors in Valeria are dead.

Kahlan: You mean my sister... Dennee... is bye bye?

Cara: Yep! I killed her. I tied her to a tree and sliced opened her guts and stuck my agiel inside her dying body so that all her internal organs could feel the pain I had inflicted on her external organs. And then I ripped her heart out and shoved it down another confessor's throat.

Kahlan: Noez!

Zedd: External organs?

_And Kahlan fell to her knees and went into the Con Dar._

Cara: Chillax! I only did it because Darken Rahl promised me a Wii. If it makes you feel any better, we can go to my place and play-

Kahlan: ROOAAAAAAAR!

Richard: (_Restrains Kahlan from killing Cara_.) Run away, Cara! Just run!

Kahlan: (_Continues roaring_.)

_And then Cara ran away like a frightened little girl._

_Later..._

Richard: So... Feel better?

Kahlan: Why did you stop me? Why? Betch deserves to die! Plus now that she's free, she can do all kinds of scary stuff. I shall find her!

_Enter Zedd._

Zedd: Uh... Flinn is missing. But no worries, I spelled his shoes so we can track him down!

Kahlan: Okay. But if I ever see Cara again... Betch is going down!

_Meanwhile, Cara finds herself in an inn._

Man 1: Zomg! Mord Sith!

Man 2: She's gonna steal my daughter!

Man 3: She's gonna steal my dog!

Man 4: She's gonna steal my virginity!

Cara: STFU! I just want a room and a meal!

Men: Oh, okay.

Cara: And now that I think about it... I want Man 4 delivered to my room!

Man 4: Damn...

_Next morning, Cara comes downstairs to a room full of concerned citizens._

Cara: Wtf? I'm not going to steal any girls, pets, or anyone else's virginity. Lemme leave in peace!

Man: Noooo! (_Attacks Cara_.)

_And then Cara must resort to kicking some ass._

Innkeeper: Leave, betch. Just... leave!

Cara: Well, that's kind of what I was trying to do until I was unjustly attacked by common folk, but okay.

_Meanwhile, Zedd, Richard, and Kahlan are following Flinn's track. The see something slumped up against a tree._

Richard: Flinn!

Zedd: Wtf? It's a dummy wearing Flinn's clothes!

Richard: Hey! I am not wearing Flinn's clothes! That large, makeshift doll is!

Kahlan: (_Facepalm_)

Zedd: Hey! He left a note! A-hem. "dear looserz, i haz outsmarteded u by getin nekked & leavin mi cloths behind in case u cast spell on dem 2 trak me down. gud luck findin meh! :)) -flinn"

Kahlan: Zomg! His grammar is horrendous. He must be punished for not using the shift key and for misspelling simple words!

Richard: Why does his emoticon have a double chin?

_Meanwhile, Cara is observing a nice, little cottage with a nice, little family playing outside._

Little Girl: Aaaaaah! Mord sith!

Woman: Ella! Noez!

Man: I will shank you!

Cara: I'm not gonna hurt nobodys! Honestly!

Man: Leave then!

Woman: Wait! That's Cara! My sister!

Cara: Yeah... This was a dumb idea. I think I shall leave now...

Woman: No! You shall stay and eat dinner wiff us! Oh, but first... You should put on a pretty dress. That leather is much too revealing for my children's innocent eyes!

_Inside the cottage..._

Woman: Here you go! This dress shall fit nicely!

Cara: Where's mom?

Woman: Dead... After the mord sith came and took father away. Speaking of which, what happened to him?

Cara: Hey, shouldn't you be watching dinner?

Woman: Oh, right. (_Leaves_)

_At dinner..._

Cara: I can haz 'taters?

_Suddenly, a group of soldierish men break down the door and start pointing weapons at Cara. _

Man: Her weapons are in the bedroom...

Woman: Siran? Wtf did you do?

Siran: Look, I know you think she's your sister, but she's a mord sith. She must be destroyed.

Men: (_Take Cara away_)

_Meanwhile..._

Zedd: So, officer, have you seen an adolescent boy about yay high and about yay big with yay hair?

Officer: Well, we did see an adolescent boy stealing clothes but he got away. I say he's headed for that rich city nearby. (**+1 AI**)

_Enter man._

Man: Mother Confessor! The people at Stonecraft (**+1 AI**) have a mord sith that needs to be brought to justice. Care to do the honors?

Kahlan: Otays! I'll go to Stonecraft while you two find Flinn.

Richard: Wtf? You're Kahlan! You don't go around executing people?

Zedd: She does when she confesses a mord sith. Mord sith can die from a Confessor's touch. And it's the most painful way for them to die!

Richard: Whut? Noooo! You can't kill Cara! She's innocent and rah rah rah!

Kahlan: Richard, the people just want to see Cara dead for all her crimes and rah rah rah!

Richard: Rah rah rah!

Kahlan: Rah rah rah rah rah! She killed my sister.

_And they argue back and forth in this manner._

Richard: Whut if I come and prove Cara's innocent? Then will you spare her your evil touch of evilness?

Kahlan: Why do you love Cara so much? WHY? Do you no longer love me? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED MEH!

Richard: Wtf? I just think people deserve second chances, that's all. I still wuvs you! Even though you're always saying we can never be together...

Kahlan: Fine then! Whatever.

_In Stonecraft..._

Kahlan: Okay townspeople... Before I execute this betch for killing my sister and trying to steal my man, Richard wants to play lawyer. The towns most unbiased elders will be the jury!

_Meanwhile, Flinn is pick-pocketing people._

Man: Hey! Where'd my winning lottery ticket go? You stoles it!

Flinn: Whut? Noooo... I'm too young for lottery tickets!

Man: Hey... That rune on your hand... What are you doing stealing lottery tickets? That rune will get you something worth more than the million dollar jackpot! In fact, how about we both go to Pahmora together and split the profit?

Flinn: Um, no.

Man: If you don't, I'll tell everyone that you still wet the bed.

Flinn: Omg! How'd you know that?

Man: Know what?

Flinn: Uh, never mind. Let's just go.

_At Cara's dungeon cell._

Cara: Richard... How are you going to help me?

Richard: Why, by showing them the truth! I am known as "The Seeker of Truth," aminot?

Cara: Whut?

Richard: You're a different person now! You were forced to become a mord sith. Forced I say!

Cara: Becoming a mord sith was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Richard: Stop being prideful! Now, is there anyone on your side?

Cara: Idk. Maybe my sister...

_At the trial..._

Richard: We are all free from Darkenbutt thanks to this woman! She helped me defeat him! And she was once an innocent little girly until the evil mord sith came and broke her into a vicious person thing. Okay, Cara's sister, Grace, tell us about that dreadful day!

Grace: Well, we were fishing for dinner. And I caught a liopleurodon! Man, that thing could've lasted us months! But Cara didn't want to hurt the poor, supposedly-extinct aminal, so we let it go. How sweet is that? Anyways, after letting the liopleurodon go, some mord sith came over and took Cara away. And that was the last time I saw her! And a few days later, they took my father too. My poor father!

Cara: Ah, suck it up! He was an ass and deserved his fate.

Grace: What was his fate?

Cara: Me torturing him to death. It was quite fun, actually.

Everyone: (_Gasp_)

Richard: Alrighty then... I was once captured by a mord sith. They tortured me with this here agiel (_shows off agiel_). It gives off pain- even to the holder. I can only hold this thing cuz I was tortured with it. Man, this thing is so painful... It feels like being struck with seventeen bolts of lightening, being sliced in half with a chainsaw, and being stung by one thousand killer bees all at the same time with just one poke! Now, who wants to feel it?

Emo Kid: I do!

Richard: Okay! (_Pokes Emo Kid with agiel_)

Emo Kid: (_Falls to the ground._) Wow. That pain is deep. It's almost as deep as the pain I feel in my soul everyday. The pain in my life. No amount of pain I have inflicted on myself could ever match the pain this agiel has caused me...

Kahlan: I do not condone labeling. The author of this parody must be brought to justice for stereotyping all the innocent emos around the globe!

Siran: Ah, but first you must bring this mord sith to justice! How dare she inflict that kind of pain on innocent people!

Richard: She was an innocent nine-year-old girl! She was inflicted with this kind of pain everyday! Now, Cara, what happened when you were captured?

Cara: I was tortured with the agiel. Then, when I tried to sleep, I was tortured by rats. They'd gnaw on my fingers, toes, and ears. (**+1 ZTH!**) But then I got the pleasure of using an agiel to get those motha fuckin' rats out of my motha fuckin' cell! It took me awhile to get used to the agiel's pain, but I eventually killed all those nasty rats.

Richard: Well that's understandable... Many women are afraid of rats. But why'd you kill your father?

Cara: Okay, 1. I am not afraid of rats- or anything, for that matter. 2. My father was an asshole, that's why. He told the mord sith where to find me and then he wanted to sell Grace over to them. When the mord sith brought him to me, I asked him if it was true. He didn't say anything. Not a single word! The mord sith told me that he was obviously too ashamed to even speak to me. Coward. So they let me kill him.

Richard: Lies! Blasphemous lies! You are afraid of rats! And the mord sith lied to you and manipulated you! Your poor, innocent child.

Cara: STFU n00b! The mord sith are my family!

Richard: O rly? Then why did they beat you to death and leave you to Bigfoot?

Cara: Oh, if I never became a mord sith, this world would still be controlled by Darken Rahl. And you would never have become the new Lord Rahl!

Everyone: Gaspo!

Richard: Cara... As Lord Rahl, I command you to tell me everything and feel remorse for all that has happened!

Woman: STOP!

Richard: Whut?

Woman: I was Cara's teacher. This is all so horrible. I remember when she was a little girl and won the third grade spelling bee! The Seeker is right... We should feel sorry for her!

Siran: No! She's an evil Daddy-killer! She must be destroyed!

Everyone: Yeah!

Kahlan: Silencio! I must speak with Richard in private!

_In private..._

Kahlan: I cannot read that schoolteacher! And there is only one type of person I cannot read!

Richard: Emo kids? Man, they always look so apathetic! No matter what they're doing. No one could ever read them!

Kahlan: Richard... What did I say earlier about stereotypes?

_Back in public..._

Richard: Alright, Cara, who is this woman?

Cara: My teacher.

Richard: And...?

Cara: I'm not lying. She's my teacher and has taught me math, reading, biology, torturing adults, scientology, geology, torturing babies, spelling and grammar, history, torturing midgets, art, acting, music, torturing cute fuzzy puppy-kittens, geography, psychology, anatomy, and did I mention torturing?

Everyone: Gaspo!

Siran: We trusted her with our kids and rah rah rah!

Man: I trusted her with my goldfish and rah rah rah!

Another man: She must be punished and rah rah rah!

Woman: Rah rah rah rah rah rah rah rah rah rah rah!

Someone Else: RAH RAH RAH!

Kahlan: Order! ORDER! Now, how many children have you taken?

Teacher: Idk. I lost count after 43...

Jury: Okay! We've decided that the teacher must die by confession! This other confessor clearly enjoys all the pain she has caused so, therefore, must also die by confession.

Kahlan: Alright, court dismissed. Bring in the dancing lobsters!

Richard: Noooo! Ca- (_Enter dancing lobsters_) Yay! DINNER! (_noms lobsters_)

Kahlan: Richard! Those lobsters are for entertainment, not eating!

_Meanwhile, Flinn and the man are chillin' by a nice campfire and drinking some sort of alcoholic beverage._

Flinn: Man, those people I was traveling with were some crazy ass beezies! Some old man kept talking about his chickens back home, some stupid guy with a glowing sword bossing everyone around, some hot chick who thinks she's all bad-ass just because she carries around red dildo that tortures people... and that Confessor! Dayum! She is one hot mo fo! I'd hella hit that. Too bad her powers would kill my soul though. And that the crazy seeker would probably slice my hand off if I tried anything. Oh well. Maybe someday I can get that other sexy woman to use her dil-

Man: Would you stfu already! God you're annoying.

Flinn: Oh? Well I guess I could always go on without you.

Man: Okay! Have another drink then.

Flinn: (_Suddenly freezes_) Wtf? What happened?

Man: Oh, a little something I put in your drink. You won't be able to move for awhile. Now I'm just gonna chop off your hand and leave you.

Flinn: Nooo! Halp!

Man: (_gags Flinn_) I'll do worse if you keep talking! So shut up!

_A strange noise is heard. The man leaves to investigate. Once alone, he pulls out what appears to be the magical compact mirror from last season. He uses it to change into Zedd. Or, is the real Zedd, I should say._

Zedd: So I'm an old man, eh? And I miss my chickens! (_Shoots flames at some tree, then comes out to see Flinn._)

Flinn: Save meh! I'm paralyzed from that creepy man who put some stuff in my drink!

Zedd: Wow... At least it wasn't roofies! Good thing I came to save you.

Flinn: Great! Now use magic to set me free!

Zedd: I dunno how magic will affect the rune, so we'll just have to sit and wait.

_Back at Stonecraft, everyone is preparing for the executions. Kahlan starts off confessing the teacher. (**+1 C**)_

Teacher: Zomg! Forgive me, Mother, for I have sinned!

Kahlan: Yeah yeah. Now lemme get to the homewreckin' bitch!

Teacher: Waaait! Seeker was right! We forced Cara to believe that her father sold her to us!

Everyone: STFU! Confess the other one!

Richard: Noooo! Let her speak!

Teacher: We tortured her father for weeks but he wouldn't break! So in the end, we burned his throat so that he couldn't speak at all. And that is why he said nothing when you saw him and asked him for the truth! (_Dies._ **+1 DT**)

Cara: Holy shit! Okay... I deserve to be confessed.

Kahlan: No, you finally feel remorse for all the evils you have done. For that- I let you live!

Crowd: Wtf? Kill her! You said you'd kill her!

Kahlan: Yeah, I've changed my mind. I'm the Mother fuckin' Confessor and I say we let her live!

Man: Fine! Then we'll kill her!

Richard: A hellz no! (_Pulls out sword._)

_Epic sword fight ensues (**+1 ESF**). Many people appear to be injured by Richard and Kahlan, but I don't see any deaths. However, a man suddenly pulls out a crossbow and threatens Kahlan to confess Cara. Richard frees Cara and fights the man with the crossbow, knocking him down._

Richard: THE MOTHER CONFESSOR HAS SPOKEN! Cara lives, Dammit.

_Later on..._

Richard: So Cara decided to leave. She now understands why you and Zedd always called her "The Red Scare" behind her back. Deep down inside, she was always a commie... Anyways, good for you for not killing her even though she killed your sister!

Kahlan: Well... Where will she go now?

_Enter Zedd and Flinn._

Zedd: Found him!

Flinn: Yay for GlowySword McBossypants! And his sidekick, the sexy Confessor! But... Where's the chick with the killer dildo?

_Where is Cara? At Grace's house, packing up._

Grace: And here's some food for you! Will I ever see you again?

Cara: Idk. (_Goes outside and finds Richard and friends waiting_.)

Kahlan: Sorry I went into the con dar and tried killing you and accused you of stealing my man. And even though you ripped my sister's heart out and shoved it down another confessor's throat, I'm willing to be your friend. But only if we can stop at your place and play with that Wii you got from Darken Rahl.

Cara: Um... Okay! But I get to pick out the game!

Richard: Dammit! I just lost the game...

Kahlan: Oh Richard... Now I lost it!

Zedd: Me too! Thanks a lot!

Cara: Whut?

* * *

Tally

Add-In: 2 = 11 Total

Book Rape: 1 = 3 Total

Confessed: 1 = 2 Total

Death Toll: 1 = 44 Total

Epic Sword Fight: 1 = 4 Total

Zomg That Happened!: 1 = 3 Total


	5. Touched

_Richard, Kahlan, Zedd, Cara, and Flinn are all traveling about in the woods at night._

Kahlan: (_Sings opera_)

_And with Kahlan's super-sweet opera skills, nightwish... I mean, nightwisps... appear._

Nightwisp: Coo coo cooooooooo...

Cara: Wow, I didn't think anyone has seen a forest of nightwisps before.

Zedd: Ah, that's because they only come out at the sound of opera.

Richard: Kahlan's an opera singer? That's never been established.

Kahlan: Oh great nightwisps! I fear I may be the last confessor! Please help me find another confessor friend!

_And the nightwisps travel far and wide, searching for a new confessor friend for Kahlan. One of the nightwisps finds itself in a tall tower, where a girl is reading a book in bed._

Nightwisp: Coo coo coooooooooo cooo...

Girl: I have no idea what you're saying... Or what you are... But you're pretty!

_Enter man._

Man: Who were you talking to? You don't have a sexy man hiding under your blankets, do you? You know you are too young to be hiding men in your bedroom!

Girl: Sexy man? No! I was talking to myself. Being locked up in a tall tower in a remote area can drive one mad, you know.

Man: Ah, go to bed!

Girl: I am in bed...

Man: Don't patronize me! (_leaves_)

_Next morning..._

Nightwisp: Coo coo coo.

Kahlan: Another confessor? Sweet! But only one. Just one other confessor left... Locked away in a tower. Ho hum.

Richard: Well... Let's go then!

Flinn: Whoa whoa wait... I've been traveling with you losers for how many episodes now? Like, three? Come on! That is more than enough Flinn the audience wants to see! You should've had me taken to Pahmora episodes ago. But nooo... We have to go liberate a concentration camp. We have to go save Cara from an angry mob. We have to go find Kahlan a new confessor friend. Jesus! Just take me to Pahmora already so I can go home.

Richard: Good point... Okay- Cara and Zedd can go to Pahmora whilst Kahlan, Flinn and I go rescue Rapunzel.

Flinn: Wtf?

Richard: Cara and Zedd should check the place out first before taking you there. Three days and we meet back here.

_Scene. The girl is doing some work while her father is being served lunch by a woman. Suddenly, the father drops dead. (**+1 DT**)_

Girl: Pa?

Woman: No worries! He's not really dead... Just sleeping. Now, Annabelle, you must be free! Come along with meeeee! Hey, that rhymed.

_Scene. Richard and Kahlan arrive at the castle. _

Maid: Ah, too late. A servant poisoned her father and now the servant and Annabelle are off doing whatever it is that servants do when they kidnap people.

Kahlan: Well that sucks... Is Annabelle a Confessor?

Maid: Gasp! You're psychic!

Richard: Just tell us the story.

Maid: Well, long story short, the father was confessed by a confessor, taken as a mate, and had baby Annabelle. Then the confessor died, the father was freed by her hold on him and realized how evil confessors are. But he's a pro-lifer so instead of killing Annabelle, he just vowed to never let anyone be confessed by her. And that is why she has been locked away for all these years. Annabelle knows nothing about her powers.

Kahlan: That's horrible! We need to find her.

Richard: Yay! Another adventure awaits!

_Scene. Annabelle, the servant, and some man are going through forest and into some caverny area full of soldierly people._

Annabelle: Wtf is going on?

Servant: Okay, we give you the girl for all fifty state quarters, $245 in Monopoly money, three pieces of chocolate, and one Al Paca!

Leader: We accept your offer! Here are your fifty state quarters, $245 Monopoly Moneys, three pieces of chocolate and an Al Paca.

Servant: Wtf? You gave me two Georgias! And there's no Indiana... I refuse this offer until you give me Indiana! I already have about five other Georgias at home...

Leader: (_sigh_) Does anyone have an Indiana state quarter?

_Men check their pockets..._

Man: I do! But I need it to get home...

Servant: Gimme the quarter and take the girl!

Leader: Ah, but how do we know she's _really_ a confessor?

Annabelle: What? Confessor?

Leader: I shall use this here quillion to see if she really has super-special powers!

_And then the quillion started sucking out Annabelle's powers._

Servant: Alright! You got proof. Now I want my Indiana state quarter!

Man: STFU, betch! My quarter! (_Kills servant. __**+1 DT**_)

_Enter Richard and Kahlan._

Richard: Give us the girl!

Leader: The Mother Confessor! Even better...

_And then an Epic Sword Fight ensues (**+1 ESF**). I see only one real death (**+1 DT**) amid a bunch of injured. Maybe this sword fight isn't that epic. Oh well. Annabelle ends up running out of the cave in fright. A man follows her but Flinn falls down from a tree and beats the shit out of him._

Flinn: Are you okay?

Annabelle: Wtf? Who are you?

Flinn: Just a temporary comic relief character. But no worries... I should be leaving this show soon enough!

_Back in the cave, the epic sword fight is still occurring. (**+2 DT**). The leader uses some super special powder to disappear. The living men from this fight run for their lives._

Kahlan: Well that was easy. But now we shall get Annabelle before Flinn scares her away...

_Outside..._

Annabelle: Wow... You're so pretty... (_Touches Flinn and accidently confesses him_._**+1 C**_)

_Enter Richard and Kahlan._

Kahlan: Noez!

Flinn: Mistress... Command me!

Annabelle: Zomg! What'd I do?

Kahlan: You confessed him. You're a confessor and you confessed him. Now he will follow all of your orders.

Flinn: Oh my sugary fluffer-muffins of pluminy goodness... Please give me some orders!

Annabelle: Okay, that's kinda creepy... How do I free him?

Kahlan: You can't. Unless you die...

Annabelle: Noez!

Kahlan: And now we are going to take you to a special place where you can learn to control your powers! And I could teach you about it too.

Flinn: No need to fear, Princess Rapunzel. These are good people. Even though they keep dragging me around on crazy adventures. Seriously. All I want is to go back home and watch D'Hara's Got Talent but instead I'm stuck with these losers.

_That night..._

Kahlan: So... Flinn's family... Wonder what's up with them.

Richard: Bah! Don't worry. He's perfectly happy being confessed by Annabelle.

Annabelle: Oh Flinnykins, I'll have to leave you soon to go train with The Lightman Group. Apparently, that's where Kahlan was trained to read micro-expressions or some crap.

Flinn: Ah, but I shall go with you!

Annabelle: Ah, but you can't! You have to go to Pahmora. But... I don't wanna go anywhere without you.

Kahlan: Hey you two! Go to bed.

Flinn: Bah! I need to get wood for the fire for my mistress.

Annabelle: Me and Flinn are gonna get married, k?

Kahlan: No. Confessors cannot marry out of love. It's only to make more confessor babies. So you have to take a suitable mate. Someone strong, courageous, brave, handsome... Kinda dumb, but loveable...

Annabelle: Like Richard?

Kahlan: Yes. Except I love Richard and therefore cannot have him for my powers would make him confessed if we were to make babies.

_Enter Flinn._

Flinn: AAAAAAAAA! We're all gonna die!

_So Kahlan and Richard run off to kill whatever was attacking Flinn._

Flinn: K, Annabelle. Come be free with me!

Richard and Kahlan: Wtf? Nothing's here!

Richard: Dammit! This was a set-up.

_Next morning._

Annabelle: I've always dreamed of the day I'd wake up and find a man next to me...

Flinn: Yeah, this is great and all, but I just realized that if I don't go to Pahmora to use this imprinted rune on my hand to get a clue to the Stone of Tears, the Keeper will win and possibly kill you. I don't want you dead!

Annabelle: Aw, how sweet. But they're probably lying. Plus, I'd rather die with you than be locked up in another tower. I know we've only known each other for, like, two days, but I'm so in love with you and want to be with you forever... And if I can't, I will jump off a cliff and drown myself in a lake.

Flinn: Oh Bella...

_Scene. Annabelle and Flinn come across an empty campsite that has meat cooking over a fire unsupervised. Smokey the Bear would not approve!_

Flinn: Okay... I shall steal their unattended food for you!

_So Flinn attempts to steal food when a man suddenly appears._

Annabelle: Nooo! Don't hurt Flinn!

Man: Ah, pretty lady! I'll give you some food if you give me something in return... wink wink.

Flinn: Noooo! Annabelle's mine, betch!

_And then Annabelle confessed the man._ (**+1 C**)

Man: Command me!

_Group of men show up._

Annabelle: Stop them!

_And stop the men they did!_

_That night, Cara and Zedd arrive at the Pahmora tomb place thing._

Zedd: Ah, I shall burn those banelings that are guarding the tomb! (_burns banelings_)

Cara: Good job! Now we shall get Flinn and come back.

_Meanwhile, Richard and Kahlan come across the campsite where Flinn, Annabelle, and all the other men are holding hands and singing "Kumbaya."_

Richard: Wtf? Kahlan! Why don't we ever hold hands and sing campfire songs together?

Kahlan: Silly Richard, we can never be together.

Richard: What does that have to do with campfire songs?

Annabelle: Zomg! Just leave me and Flinn aloooone! Or else all these men I confessed will make you go away! (**+5 C**)

Kahlan: Zomg! You confessed all these men? In just one day? Holy bee guts! You're more powerful than me! I mean, it takes me two hours to recover after confessing one person, but that's cuz I'm super special. It takes about two days for the average confessor to get her power back after using it once. You've got, what, five confessed men here? Five men in one day... No, less than that because you didn't arrive at this camp until maybe nine-ish? And let's say it's tenish now? So let's estimate thirteen hours. Thirteen divided by five men is about two and a half, maybe? So it takes you about two and a half hours to recover... Holy crap! You're just as powerful as me! Damn... I got some competition!

Annabelle: Enough prattle! Men, attack!

_And a fight breaks out. Flinn and Annabelle are about to make their getaway when Flinn actually uses his brain._

Flinn: I just realized... No matter what we do or where we go, Richard and Kahlan will find us.

Annabelle: No, I don't think so. (_Sneaks up behind Richard and confesses him. __**+1 C**_)

Kahlan: You fucking whore!

Richard: Command me, Mistress.

Kahlan: You destroyed him! How dare you! (_Chucks knife at Annabelle. Richard blocks it with __his sword._)

Richard: Don't kill her! I luuuuv her!

Kahlan: Fine. (_Grabs Flinn_.) I will kill Flinn unless you order both these men to go to Pahmora.

Annabelle: Okay! But only if I can be with Flinn afterward.

Kahlan: Deal.

_And the next day, they meet up with Cara and Zedd._

Kahlan: (_Grabs Annabelle while Zedd uses magic to keep Richard and Flinn from going after her._) Now I shall kill her!

Richard: Nooooo! I love her! More than I ever loved you!

Kahlan: Noooooo!

_And then Kahlan fell to her knees and cried like a little bitch._

Annabelle: I just wanna be a normal girl!

Richard: I haz an idea! A quillion! We can use a quillion to take away her power.

Zedd: Ok. But first we go to Pahmora!

_So they go to Pahmora, Flinn opens the tomb with the rune on his hand, and in the tomb is a what appears to be a locket._

Zedd: Another locket? We should have Richard open it as soon as he's free from confession.

Richard: Okay, lets get the quillion now.

_At the cave..._

Cara: Look what I brought, bitches!

Men: An unconscious woman in a white dress?

Cara: Not just any unconscious woman in a white dress... The Mother Confessor!

Leader: And what would you want for her?

Cara: A thousand pieces of gold... And a cockatoo.

Leader: Ah, but how do I know she's alive?

Cara: Examine her?

Leader: Okay! (_Bends down to examine Kahlan. She confesses him in a surprise attack. __**+1 C**_)

_And Cara starts fighting off the rest of the men._

Kahlan: Call off your guards.

Leader: HALTEN!

Men: (_Halt_)

Kahlan: Now gimme the quillion, bitches!

_Next morning..._

Annabelle: Thanks for not killing me!

Kahlan: Well first we need to see if this quillion idea will work.

Annabelle: But... Now you'll be the last confessor. You need to make some confessor babies before it's too late... I know! I could command Richard to do it with you now, while he's still confessed. That way, you can be with him and not destroy his soul!

Kahlan: But-

Zedd: Kahlan, don't argue with her. Just do it!

Richard: Nike... Just do it!

Annabelle: Richard, you're gonna do the naughty with Kahlan, k?

Richard: But... We're not married! It's not proper to bed a woman you are not married to!

Annabelle: Just stfu and do it!

_And so Richard and Kahlan proceeded to do the naughty. Kids still living at home pray that their parental unit doesn't walk in the room._

Kahlan: Nooooo! I just realized... This is some strange form of rape. You don't wanna do it with me! You're only doing it because you were ordered to.

Richard: So we're stopping now? I didn't even get a chance to take off my pants!

_Scene._

Kahlan: I almost raped a man... What's wrong wiff meh?

Annabelle: You can't rape the willing...

Kahlan: But he wasn't willing!

Annabelle: He was before I confessed him...

Kahlan: But it's still not right!

Annabelle: Wait... Technically... Don't all confessors commit rape when they take in a mate?

Kahlan: Don't get smart with me! Now let's take away your confessor power.

_And so the gang uses the quillion to take away Annabelle's powers._

Flinn: Oh my muffincakes... Are you okay?

Zedd: Oh rattails! It didn't work...

Flinn: Wtf? Yes it did!

Richard: Kahlan! I wuvs you!

Kahlan: Yay!

Flinn: Well now that you losers no longer need me, I shall take Annabelle away with me.

Annabelle: Hooray!

_And so Flinn and Annabelle gallop off into the sunset._

Richard: Oh Kahlan... Why didn't you rape me?

Kahlan: Bleurgableh!

Zedd: Oh we almost forgot about the locket! Here you go, Richard.

Richard: (_Opens locket_) Zomg! A magical compass!

Zedd: And it has something in German engraved in it...

Richard: I know German!

Kahlan: I know you do... What does it say?

Richard: "Property of Captain Jack Sparrow." Whoa! Who do you suppose that is?

Zedd: Idk! What else does it say?

Richard: Oh, basically, it says that this compass will show the way to treasure...

Zedd: Let's be on our way, then!

* * *

Tally

Add-In: 0 = 11 Total

Book Rape: 0 = 3 Total

Confessed: 9 = 11 Total

Death Toll: 5 = 49 Total

Epic Sword Fight: 1 = 5 Total

Zomg That Happened!: 0 = 3 Total


	6. Wizard

Richard: Oh, Captain Jack Sparrow's compass! Pointing us off in the direction of treasure...

Zedd: Ah yes, the treasure of a hot meal. Let's eat!

Cara: Wtf? The compass doesn't point towards food... It points to the Stone of Tears!

Zedd: We don't know that for sure... Oh look! My favorite fruit! (_snatches avocado from a tree_) You never see these things anymore...

Cara: That's not a fruit, that's a vegetable.

Kahlan: No, it's a fruit!

Richard: No, it's a vegetable!

Zedd: Who cares? It's FOOD! (_Noms avocado_)

_Later on..._

Zedd: Oi Clara! Gimme some water.

Cara: Wtf? I'm Cara... No L's.

Zedd: Whatever you say, Kahlan.

Kahlan: I said nothing...

Zedd: I wasn't talking to you, Richard!

Richard: I love the smell of Kahlan's pillowcase!

Kahlan: Whut?

Richard: Nothing...

Zedd: I suddenly feel very... old.

Richard: Haha!

Zedd: Where's Harry?

Kahlan: Harry?

Zedd: Yeah, Harry Potter. I'm supposed to be helping him destroy horcruxes...

Richard: Wtf? This is LegendoftheSeekerland, not HarryPotterland. Gosh, Zedd, what is wrong with you?

Zedd: Zedd? I'm Dumbledore!

Cara: Are you sure you're not Gandalf?

Zedd: Don't get smart with me! Fifty points from Slytherin...

Richard: Zedd... I am your grandson!

Zedd: Grandson? I thought I was gay!

Richard: Whut? You kept that from me?

Zedd: Who are you people? And what have you done with my magical mushrooms?

Cara: That explains it...

Richard: Zedd, that avocado you ate... It must've been posioned!

Zedd: No... Spelled. But never fear- a potion will get rid of the effects. You're gonna need a bucket of fish eyes, a chunk of werewolf fur, and a bowl of Alfredo Sauce.

Kahlan: Okay... Now we must figure out who did this to you...

Zedd: Isn't the answer obvious? Voldemort! He did it!

Richard: No... He doesn't exist in this world.

Zedd: Yes he does. Voldemort is still alive! ALIVE I TELL YOU! (_flees_)

Richard: Dammit... Okay, Cara, you follow the crazy man while Kahlan and I go fishing, werewolf hunting, and Alfredo Sauce shopping.

_That night, Zedd finds himself, lost and confused, in a town where D'Harans are doing D'Haranish things._

Zedd: Nooo! Don't hurt the lass!

D'Haran: Don't tell us what to do.

Zedd: I am Gandalf! Now give me the ring!

D'Haran: What ring?

Zedd: The ring that must be destroyed!

D'Haran: Oh, sorry but we already gave it to Frodo...

Zedd: Oh goodie! Whoa- who's that pretty lady? Excuse me pretty lady but... You're pretty.

Lady: Thank you.

_And Zedd follows her inside a brothel._

Brothel Owner: Pay me now and you can have all the fun you want!

Zedd: Payment? I am Zeddicus Zu'l Zordander- Wizard of The First Order, and I demand fun for free!

Owner: Sure you are...

Zedd: Damn, I was hoping it would work. Indeed, I am just Albus Dumbledore...

Owner: Dumbledore? Zomg I love you! You can go on and have all the fun you want for free.

Zedd: Sweet... But all I want is that pretty lady over there...

Owner: Salindra? Well, she's a picky one but you can try asking her.

Zedd: Salindra... Wanna come upstairs with me?

Salindra: Meh, that's okay.

Zedd: But I'm Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts!

Salindra: Sorry, but I think Harry Potter is overrated.

Zedd: Dammit!

_And so Zedd is whisked away by every woman but the one he longs for._

_Enter Cara._

Cara: Unhand the old man! He be mine...

Zedd: Noez! (_magically disappears. He finds himself next to Shota._)

Shota: Yay Zedd!

Zedd: Wtf? Who are you?

Shota: Shota... I'm the one who brought you here...

Zedd: Well take me back!

Shota: No! The red scare would've killed you.

Zedd: Zomg! The Cold War?

Shota: Wtf?

Zedd: An iron curtain is descending across Europe... We must stop it before it reaches America!

Shota: I just saved your life...

Zedd: Communist! I saw Goody Proctor with the devil!

Shota: Goody Proctor?

Zedd: I smell witchcraft...

Shota: Well, I am a witch...

Zedd: A-HA! So you must be destroyed!

Shota: But... I wuvs you!

Zedd: Ewww! Girls have cooties...

Shota: Zedd...

Zedd: I'm not Zedd! I am Albus Dumbledore!

Shota: Noooo! You are far greater than he! You are Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander and you must help the Seeker find the Stone of Tears so he save the land of the living from the world of the dead!

Zedd: Well that sounds like a stressful job. I feel most sorry for this Zedd character.

Shota: You are Zedd! And you're getting senile... You see, you named the wrong Seeker and, therefore, must appoint a new Seeker! I even have the perfect candidate for you.

Zedd: How wonderful!

Shota: Yes... Now we shall combine our magical powers to conquer the world!

Zedd: But... I can't remember anything!

Shota: Silly man... I shall restore your youth!

Zedd: Yay!

_And so Shota uses magic to make Zedd young again._

Shota: Okay, now you must get the Sword of Truth and name a new Seeker.

_Meanwhile, Richard and Kahlan are hunting for werewolf fur._

Richard: A-ha! There's one! (_Shoots werewolf with arrow. __**+1 DT**_)

_Before Richard can steal a chunk of the werewolf's fur, a group of D'Harans wearing "Team Jacob" shirts appear._

D'Haran: You killed Jacob Black! You must be destroyed...

Kahlan: Whut? Nooooo!

_Epic sword fight ensues (**+1 ESF**). _

_Back to Shota and Zedd._

Shota: Now we shall steal the Sword of Truth. Hold my hand, sexy, and chant with me...

Shota and Zedd: Baaaaa raaaam ewe, baaaaa raaaam ewe. To your breed, your fleece, your clan be true. Sheep be true. Baaaaa raaaam ewe...

_And then Richard's sword disappears right in the middle of the epic sword fight._

Richard: Yeah, I'm screwed. But at least I have my fists! (_Proceeds to beat D'Harans up._)

_Back to Shota and Zedd._

Shota: And now we shall take Jack Sparrow's compass.

Zedd: It's _Captain_ Jack Sparrow.

Shota: Whatever... Baaaa raaaam ewe, baaaa raaaam ewe...

_And there goes Richard's compass... But Richard finally gets his hand on a knife and stabs two... three... four... five soldiers. (**+5 DT**) Kahlan kills one. (**+1 DT**)_

Richard: Well now that that's over with... What he hell happened to my sword and compass?

_Back to Shota and Zedd._

Zedd: Well, this is fun and all, but can I go back to that brothel I was at? Now that I look pretty, maybe Salindra (**+1 AI**) will like meh!

Shota: But... I wuvs you!

Zedd: Goodbye! (_Vanishes. He appears back at the brothel._) So, pretty Salindra, wanna be a princess?

Salindra: Okay!

_And so Zedd turns Salindra into a beautiful princess, declares himself a King, and takes over the town._

Peasant: Oh great wizard, my family is poor! We go hungry... What can you do to help us?

Zedd: Well, if you fill out these applications I magically conjured up, we will see if you are eligible for Welfare and/or food stamps.

Peasant: Oh thank you, kind sir!

_Enter whore._

Zedd: Oh wonderful whore! Thank you for wanting to get in my robes when no other whore would.

Whore: Yeah yeah. We got big problems dude. The dead coming to life, large cracks people keep falling into, teeth going missing... Not good.

Zedd: Why never fear, whore! For I shall name a Seeker!

Peasant: There's already a Seeker...

Zedd: Richard? Hellz no! That dumbass is gonna fail! He thinks avocados are a vegetable. No, I shall declare myself Seeker! Oh, look... Captain Jack Sparrow's compass works for me now. I am the Seeker! Mwahahaha!

_Enter unamused D'Harans._

D'Haran: Wtf is this shit? A crazy wizard? A prostitute pretending to be a princess? Welfare applications? Welfare is crap! You must be destroyed for wasting government money on the poor!

Salindra: You have a small penis...

D'Haran: Ah hellz no! Kill that mo fo!

Zedd: (_Sets D'Haran on fire. __**+1 DT**_)

Other D'Harans: (_Surrender_)

Zedd: Yay!

_And that D'Haran leader finds himself in the Underworld._

_Enter Darken Rahl._

Darken: Ah, even in death I am a sexy beast. Oh, look! There's a loyal D'Haran soldier person thing! Hello, loyal D'Haran soldier person thing. Welcome to the Underworld! Now, if I could have your name, number, and favorite animal, the Keeper would be willing to strike a deal with you. Kill people to live!

D'Haran: Sweet! I'll start with that wizard, Zeddicus.

Darken: Whut?

D'Haran: He took over the town and declared himself Seeker and is now giving out Welfare applications.

Darken: Wtf? Seeker?

_Meanwhile, Zedd attempts to seal the cracks in the ground._

Zedd: Alright, Keeper! Prepare to feel my wrath!

D'Haran: (_Assassinates Salindra. __**+1 DT**_)

Zedd: Noooooo!

_And then the great Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander fell to his knees and cried like a little girl._

_In ze Underworld..._

Darken: Oh Salindra... You were such a good whore. Now, if you give me your name, number, and favorite animal, the Keeper would be willing to strike a deal with you. But most importantly, you must deliver the Wizard and his Seeker tools to me.

Salindra: Wtf? Noez!

Darken: Oh GOD! You love him!

Salindra: No I don't. I just don't want anyone knowing my favorite animal! It's a secret...

Darken: Oh booger! I guess you'll just have to rot in this hell hole forever. Oh, and since you're a whore, you'll have a super special place to go...

Salindra: But do I HAVE to tell you my favorite animal?

_Back to the living. Zedd attempts to use magic to bring Salindra to life._

Zedd: Ooga looga booga boo... Ooga looga booga boo... OOGA LOOGA BOOGA BOO!

Man: Ah, give it up! You can't bring a dead person back to life!

Salindra: BOO!

Zedd: AAAAHH! Hey, it worked!

Salindra: Zomg... You're my hero! Darken Rahl was about to make me tell him that my favorite animal is a- I mean, I wuvs you!

Zedd: Aww! I wuvs you too!

_Meanwhile, Richard, Kahlan, Cara, and Shota are watching from afar._

Richard: Zomg! Zedd's a hottie!

Kahlan: Whut?

Richard: Zomg! Zedd's crazy!

Kahlan: Ah.

Cara: Well, undo the spell now, witch!

Shota: I would but he's too powerful!

Richard: I haz an idea! I can talk to him and make him see sense!

_Meanwhile..._

Salindra: Oh Zeddicus! I overheard the Keeper and Darken Rahl talking about how stupid you are for going after the Stone of Tears. They plan to take over while you're distracted with finding it. But no worries- they fear you'll blindly walk into a rift and start waving your sword around and sing, "I like pumpkins, yes I do! I like pumpkins, how 'bout you?"

Zedd: Oh they do? Well, I guess I'll have to do just that!

_Enter man with Richard._

Man: Sup Zedd. Dis here man wishes to speak to you.

Richard: Hi Gramps. Do you remember anything before yesterday?

Zedd: No.

Richard: Well, you ate a spelled avocado and lost your memory. You kept going on about some kid named Harry Potter and started screaming about some man named Voldemort.

Zedd: Lies! I would do no such thing. This is SwordofTruthland!

Richard: No, this is LegendofTheSeekerland.

Zedd: Meh, same thing.

Richard: Not really...

Zedd: Don't get smart with me! Anyways, now I gotta blindly walk into a rift and start waving my sword around and sing, "I like pumpkins, yes I do! I like pumpkins, how 'bout you?" Later.

Richard: Wtf? Pumpkins? It's watermelons that D'Harans fear!

Zedd: Whatever. (_Heads to a rift_)

Richard: Noooo! You'll die!

Zedd: I'll dye what?

Richard: You're crazy!

Zedd: Goodbye! (_Walks into rift, waving his sword and starts singing the pumpkin song_)

Richard: Noooo! (_Starts following Zedd but Kahlan stops him._)

Kahlan: Don't do it, Richard!

Richard: Don't tell me what to do! (_Goes in the rift_.)

_Inside the rift..._

Zedd: I like pumpkins, yes I do. I like pumpkins, how 'bout you?

Richard: Zedd! STOP!

Zedd: I like pumpkins, yes I do. I like pumpkins, how 'bout you?

Richard: HALTEN!

Zedd: I like watermelons, yes I do. I like watermelons, how 'bout you? Oh bollicks! I feel old again.

_Indeed, the further Zedd went, the older he became. Now he is back to being a crazy old man._

_Enter Darken._

Darken: What is this about watermelons? I do not approve of watermelons!

Zedd: I do not approve of your face...

Darken: You know, sometimes your words hurt.

Zedd: Sorry, that was cruel of me. I meant to say-

Richard: Noez! Now I'm starting to look old. Dammit! Now Kahlan will think I'm ugly...

Darken: She already thinks that, dear brother.

Richard: You're so hurtful! (_Cries_)

Darken: Enough of this prattle! The audience is getting bored. Now I shall trap you in this hell hole FOREVER!

Richard and Zedd: Nooo!

_And so Richard and Zedd somehow manage to make it out in time._

Kahlan: Hooray! But... Ew! Richard's _old_!

Zedd: Oh Salindra! I am back!

Salindra: Nooo! I didn't keep my end of the bargain! (_Dies again_).

Zedd: Noooo! I hath been betrayed!

_And so, once again, someone has fallen to their knees and cried like something wussy._

Cara: Now do it, Shota. Make him normal again!

Shota: Alright... neve comk uvio ewmonib icdoas...

Zedd: Whoa! What the hells bells happened?

Kahlan: It's okay, you can blame Shota for everything.

Zedd: Sweet.

Shota: Bah, everything would've went well if it weren't for you meddling kids... (_leaves_)

Kahlan: Zedd, can you make Richard pretty again? Pwease?

Zedd: Otays! (_Turns Richard back to normal_)

Kahlan: Yay! He's pretty again!

Zedd: Yes. But we never did learn what Salindra's favorite animal is...

_In the Underworld..._

Salindra: (_Singing_) I like flitterbicks, yes I do. I like flitterbicks, how 'bout you?

Darken: Shut it, woman! What the hell is a flitterbick anyway?

Salindra: A magical, flying squirrel that moves so fast that no one sees it...

* * *

_Side Note: I stupidly forgot to count Annabelle as an Add-In in the last chapter so... **+1 AI**._

Tally is...

Add-In: 2 = 13 Total

Book Rape: 0 = 3 Total

Confessed: 0 = 11 Total

Death Toll: 9 = 58 Total

Epic Sword Fight: 1 = 6 Total

Zomg That Happened!: 0 = 3 Total


	7. Fury

_Enter Richard and Cara, in the woods..._

Richard: So, Cara, where'd the deer go?

Cara: Don't know, don't care.

_A loud scream is suddenly heard from afar. Richard, being the curious beaver he is, runs to see the source._

_The source? A large tribe of tribular people that don't look very savage, which could be a good thing, seeing as some people just should not be dressed in such a manner. A large, bald man wearing a brown wool vest is shouting stuff at them. Please tell me this man isn't who I think it is..._

Man Who Has A Slight Possibility of Being Jagang: Bring me a weakling!

One of MWHSPBJ Men: (_Drags a weak tribular person across the ground_)

Weak Tribular Person: AAAAHHHH! Rug burn!

Woman: Oh, man who kinda looks like Jagang... Don't hurt us! We only want peace!

MWHSPBJ: Stfu! For that, we take that other girl!

Other Girl: Noez!

MWHSPBJ: Now spread out, savages who are not half-naked but are still dressed tribularish!

Tribe: (_Complies_)

_Suddenly, the Jagang look-a-like and his men are struck with arrows, shot by Richard and Cara. I cannot tell if it was enough to kill MWHSPBJ, but one man definitely died! **+1 DT**._

Richard: So, woman who appears to be the leader of this tribe, who were those people and why did that man look like the next big villain in the Sword of Truth series?

Cara: And why did you not fight them?

Leader Lady: Because we are the Mindors and we do not condone violence!

Richard: Don't you mean you're the Bandakar?

Leader Lady: Wtf? Bandakar? Never heard of them...

_And then all the book fans began crying and ranting about how the Mindors are supposed to be the Bandakar and how they aren't even supposed to show up until the seventh or eighth season that we would never see anyway. **+1 BR. **And whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Who is _that _man standing next to the leader lady? Damn... He's kinda cute! Anyways..._

Leader Lady: Blah blah blah, fighting is evil, blah blah blah, creator, blah blah blah war and blood, blah blah blah video games should be banned, blah blah blah... blah.

Cara: Your words disgust me...

Richard: Yeah, I actually agree with Cara on this one... Video games are awesome! Legend of Zelda is genius! Anyways, you should at least defend yourselves in a matter such as this one.

Leader Lady: But violence is wrong!

_And so the argument goes on and on. I just want the camera to go back to that questionably attractive man..._

LL: (_Some story about some warrior and some spell and some stuffs involving fighting being evil_) That man who looks like Jagang is actually one of Caldor's men. Caldor's men are evil but we do not believe that violence is the answer.

Richard: You know, you'd be safer in those caves up there!

LL: Don't help us! (_Leaves. Attractive man follows, much to my disappointment_.)

Cara: Well, it looks like we can't help them! Ooooh no! And I was so looking forward to getting distracted from our quest. [!]

Richard: Cara... I am not in the mood for your sarcasm button!

_And so Richard, Cara, Kahlan and Zedd all go back to their quest, leaving behind that poor, attractive man to fend for himself..._

Richard: I failed in helping oppressed proletariats defend themselves. Now they're all gonna die because of meh! Nooooo!

Kahlan: Oh Richard... They don't want your help.

Richard: Hey! Captain Jack Sparrow's compass is trying to tell me something. (_Pulls out compass_) Oh would you look at that? It's pointing to the Bandakar! Fiddlesticks... I guess we have to help them after all!

_Enter that very attractive tribesman. I squee._

Richard: (_Pulls out sword_) Don't hurt meh!

Very Attractive Tribesman: Wtf? I just ask for your help! I wanna learn karate!

Richard: Whatever you say, Owen.

Tribesman: Wtf? Owen? My name is Kurr. And Caldor will attack us again and I don't wanna die! I'm just now getting fangirls!

Richard: Okay Owen.

_And so Richard finds himself in front of the Ban- Mindors, giving one of his long speeches in which I am not paying attention to._

Richard: Blah blah blah, your choice, blah blah blah, only if you want to, blah blah blah, teach you to fight, blah blah blah, Kurr is a sexy mo fo, blah.

Kurr: Sexy mo fo? I've gone from "questionably attractive" to a "sexy mo fo" in just three minutes? I like being on this show!

Leader Lady: Kurr... Fighting is bad!

Kurr: Mother... You are old!

Leader Lady: We shall go hide in the caves!

Kurr: They will find us there and, now that I have been promoted to "sexy mo fo," those men will want to take me next! Now, whose with me?

Woman: I am, you sexy mo fo!

Leader Lady: Vita, noez! You're a lady!

Vita: So are you, but you've managed to take up a man's position...

A Questionably Attractive Man: Well, I am, like Kurr, questionably attractive. Once they are done with Kurr, they could come for me next! I'll do it..

A Man Who Would've Been Questionably Attractive Ten Years Ago: I might be taken afterwards! I'll do it...

Woman: I'll join in too.

Another Questionably Attractive Man: Me too.

Cara: This author sure has a thing for tribesmen...

Richard: Well, it's settled then. Leader Lady, Rojeh, or whatever your name is... Zedd and Cara will take you and your hippie friends to hide in a cave while Kahlan and I teach these nonconformist peeps how to fight.

Kahlan: Ah, but first, Rojeh, what do you know about the Stone of Tears?

Rojeh: Only that it's been lost forever.

Zedd: Dammit.

_So Richard and his new friends are making weapons out of skinny tree branches. (And **+2 AI** for Rojeh and Kurr.)_

Kurr: This is lame. I mean, I know I know nothing about weaponry, but I'm pretty sure a blade could chop through these things.

Richard: Owen... Stop being logical and trim that stick!

_After making their weapons, Richard has everyone get a partner and line up._

Richard: Now... you shall fight each other with these sticks as such... (_Kahlan and Richard demonstrate_)

Kurr: But... Caldor's men wouldn't have sticks! They'd have swords so fighting each other with sticks in this sort of method is useless...

Richard: Owen! What did I say about being logical?

Kurr: To stop being logical and trim that stick?

Richard: Exactly! Now fight to the death!

_And so the Mindors pick up their "weapons" and fight._

Richard: Come on! Do it harder! HARDER!

Immature Person: That's what she said...

_And then all of the Mindor fighters lose consciousness and fall to the ground._

_Enter Rojeh, Zedd, and Cara._

Rojeh: Noez! I knew this was a bad idea!

Zedd: No worries! This is just a binding spell. Looks like it was put on the Mindors thousands of years ago to keep them from fighting. But never fear- I can save them and remove the spell! Although I have no idea what will happen if I try...

Richard: Okay, old man, do your thing!

_So the old man does his thing and all have been saved._

Rojeh: Good job, Wizard. Now go back to the caves and rest.

Kurr: Okay, now that I'm conscious again... Let's go back to fighting!

Rojeh: Wtf? Now you decide to be illogical? The Wizard doesn't have strength to heal you if something happens again! (_leaves with Zedd_)

Kurr: I wanna fight...

Girl: So do I!

Richard: Well... Okay!

_So the Mindors go back to fighting. This time, against make-shift dummies._

Richard: Yeah, that's right... hit it! Smack it again. Those enemies have been very naughty... You use that stick, you use it!

Immature Person: That's what she said...

_Meanwhile, in the caves..._

Cara: Oh man, look at this rabbit I killed for dinner. Isn't it just so yummy and divine? Man, you wouldn't believe how badly I slaughtered this bitch.

Rojeh: We're vegetarians.

Cara: Oh my God, you are kidding me! I just found this thing lying dead in the road...

Rojeh: So you want us to eat some dead creature you found in the road? Who knows what bugs and parasites could be eating it's insides now... We shall pick berries!

Cara: How the hell are berries gonna fill you up?

_But nonetheless, the Mindors go off to pick berries. Zedd makes Cara go with them._

_Picking berries..._

Rojeh: Hey... Wanna berry?

Cara: No thanks... I'm a _carnatarian_.

_And suddenly, Caldor's men appear and start causing chaos. Cara fights them off on her own._

Cara: Now, bitches, tell Caldor to leave us alooone! Or I will shank you...

Rojeh: Nooo! Don't hurt him!

Cara: Wtf?

Man: (_flees_.)

_Meanwhile, Kurr and friends are practicing their sweet fighting skills..._

Richard: Okay ladies, time to go home. We shall continue in the morning...

Kurr: Richard! I wanna keep showing off my sweet fighting skills to my new fangirls...

Richard: And...?

Kurr: And, I wanna go up against you cuz you're the bestest fighter evah who has the bestest sword evah!

Richard: Why yes... I am the bestest fighter with the bestest sword, aren't I? (_Draws sword. __They duel._)

Kurr: Ah, come on, wuss. Harder!

Richard: (_Fights harder_)

Kurr: (_Fights even harder_)

Richard: Holy cheese guts, I just realized; You're sexier than meh! HOW DARE YOU BE SEXIER THAN MEH! (_Goes bat-shit insane_)

Kahlan: Richard, chillax! You're gonna hurt the sexiest character in this show! Well, sexiest next to me, anyway...

Richard: But... He's gonna steal my fangirls!

Kahlan: What fangirls?

Richard: Exactly!

Kahlan: Wtf? He's just now learning to fight!

Richard: And you're just now learning to nag! Leave me alooooone! (_Runs away crying_)

_That night..._

Kahlan: Richard scared poor Kurrikins... And Richard was so angry! I've never seen him so angry before... Zedd, I'm scared!

Cara: Bah, you just have some sort of secret crush on Kurr and you're worried Richard may find out.

Kahlan: (_gasp_) Cara! Have you been reading my diary?

Cara: You have a diary?

Kahlan: No... And anyways, his sword was glowing!

Zedd: (_gasp_) Like Rudolph's nose?

Kahlan: Yes! Just like Rudolph's nose.

Zedd: Oh sugar boogers! His sword is fueled by anger and he fights with the power of the Seekers before him. (**+1 ZTH!**) It glows when the Seeker feels rage. I need to have a talk with that boy...

_Meanwhile, Richard is starting a secret revolution with his new friends._

Richard: We're gonna get your village back, k?

Kurr: Yay! But... Our weapons suck!

Richard: That's why we steal theirs!

_So they all sneak into the village and steal weapons from Caldor's sleeping men. Kurr accidently wakes someone up, but slits his throat before he can shout. **+1 DT**_

_Afterwards..._

Richard: Good job! And I would like to give Kurr some praise for killing one of those mo fos. He saved our butts. Good job, Kurr. You get a happy face sticker. Anyways, now we're gonna go back and kill them all, k?

_And they all go off to the village and start fucking shit up. __**+1 ESF**__ I have no idea how many deaths occurred... But I'm gonna go with twenty... because they destroyed the entire village. So there's gotta be at least twenty deaths. __**+20 DT**_.

_Later on, Rojeh, Zedd, Cara, and Kahlan come across the scene of twenty dead bodies. After Rojeh has a panic attack over it, a noise is heard in a house. They investigate and find a woman!_

Rojeh: Tamra! I remember you. I thought you were dead.

Tamra: Mindors killed all these people... Oh the insanity of it all!

Rojeh: Wtf? Noez! It's the Seeker's fault...

Kahlan: No, it's magic's fault...

Cara: Bah, these men had it coming...

Zedd: Hey, come look at this!

_They go outside and find inscriptions on a wall._

Zedd: Inscriptions written in Russian... A language I studied in my youth!

Kahlan: Zomg! What does it say?

Zedd: I don't know! Do you know how long ago it was that I learned it? But it either says something about Richard being dangerous, or something about Richard needing a bath...

Rojeh: There's more Russian in this temple place thing.

Zedd: Oh goody!

_Meanwhile..._

Richard: Ah, there's the main camp of Caldor. Let's kill them too!

Woman: All those men?

Kurr: Don't be logical! We can fight them all!

Richard: Oh, I said nothing about fighting... We shall burn them as they slee- AAAHHHH! MIGRAINE!

Kurr: Want some Advil?

Richard: No, it went away...

_Enter Kahlan and Cara._

Kahlan: Richard, I know you like killing people, but you and your new friends need to go home now, k?

Richard: No, I think I'm gonna continue slaughtering barbaric souls.

Kahlan: Richard! Put your sword down.

Richard: I'm sorry... My sword automatically goes up when you're around. I can't control it.

Kahlan: RICHARD! This is local television!

Richard: Whut...? OH! You mean this sword! Heh heh, ain't gonna happen until all of Caldor's men die. Now go away before I slice you with my glowing sword of doom!

Cara: Ah, but I use my mord sith powers on you!

Richard: (_Smacks Cara with sword._)

Kahlan: (_Kicks sword out of Richard's hands._)

Richard: Holy crap cats! What did I do to Cara?

_And so Cara must be taken to Zedd to be healed._

Zedd: Bah! I don't have my powers back yet. I can do nothing!

Richard: Rojeh! You're a healer. You should help her.

Rojeh: Naw... This woman is too violent and bloodthirsty. She should die.

Richard: Wtf? You're a hypocrite! By letting her die, you're killing her. MURDERER!

Rojeh: Alright. Kurr, go show your new fangirls how strong you are and carry this lady to my house.

Kurr: Okays! (_Picks up Cara and leaves_)

Richard: Why'd I do it, Zedd? Why did I let anger take control of me? I nearly killed Cara and I raised my sword to Kahlan! Well, my literal sword, I mean. Yeah.

Zedd: I shall show you something in a temple!

_In the temple..._

Zedd: See these inscriptions? They're written in Russian and tell a magical story about a war lord and a group of bloodthirsty men. Basically, they attacked everyone until a powerful wizard put a binding spell on the bloodthirsty men which prevented them from fighting.

Richard: (_Gasp_) Those men were the Bandakar!

Zedd: No, they were the Mindors...

Richard: (_gasp_) Those men were the Mindors!

Zedd: Yes, and I freed them and now they are chained to you. For you are related to that war lord... Canton Rahl!

Richard: There's a Canton Rahl? Interesting... (**+1 AI**)

Zedd: Yes, Richard. Now to explain all this in terms even you can understand, I shall use the power of metaphors! You, are water. Mindors, are Thallium. You mix water with Thallium and not much happens. Until you add the Sword of Truth- Vinegar! And then it goes BOOM!

Richard: So, to keep the Mindors from going insane, I gotta learn how to control the rage of Sword of Truth?

Zedd: Good job, Richard!

_Enter Rojeh._

Rojeh: AAAAAHHHH! Caldor's men are coming! We're all gonna DIE!

Zedd: Well that sucks. I have no magic yet.

Richard: And I'm afraid to use my sword.

Zedd: Ah, but the Mindors will fight super hard with the magic of your sword.

Richard: But... I get angry!

_Nevertheless, the entire tribe along with Richard, Kahlan, Cara, and Zedd all line up, with weapons, to prevent the invaders from coming in. _

Richard: The Mindors just want peace! But they'll fight if you don't leave.

Caldor: O rly? And how do we know they won't attack us again?

Rojeh: We won't...

Man Who Looks Like Jagang: She speaks the truth. Trust me, I know...

Caldor: Gasp! You are Jagang! How else would you know for sure?

MWLLJ: Whut? I just know that this woman never lies.

Caldor: Oh... Well then, we shall leave you in peace! But if you attack us, we kill you!

Caldor's Men: (_Leave in peace_)

_And so they all party hardy._

_That night, the Mindor fighters are being restrained. Cara has beaten me to tying Kurr up..._

Richard: Now let's hope this works! If not, then no more Sword of Truth for Richard...

Kurr: But... How will you complete your quest?

Richard: Kurr, what did I tell you about being logical?

Kurr: To stop being logical and trim that stick?

Richard: Exactly!

_So while the Mindors are locked up, Zedd helps Richard deal with his anger issues._

Zedd: Feel your rage... Don't fight it off! Now... Why are you angry?

Richard: Because Darken Rahl is sexier than meh!

Zedd: Darken Rahl is dead and is only sexy in ghost form! Why are you angry?

Richard: Because the Keeper stole my iPod!

Zedd: Everyone gets something stolen at one point or another... Why are you angry?

Richard: Because my Father and brother are dead!

Zedd: George wasn't your real father and Michael was an ass! Why are you angry?

Richard: I can't make little Seeker/Confessor babies with Kahlan!

Zedd: Zomg! Do you know how overused that "I can't be with the one I love" cliché is? Almost every story has that! Why are you angry?

Richard: You! It's all your fault! You never told me who you were! You never told me who I was! You dragged me off on this quest when I would much rather be watching Saturday morning cartoons with a bowl of Captain Crunch! I just wanna go home!

_And in his angry rage, Richard tries stabbing Zedd with his sword but stops himself just in time. And thus, Richard has learned to control his anger._

_That morning..._

Richard: Yay! My compass is now pointing in a different direction! We can leave! Goodbye, my new Mindor friends. And goodbye to you, Kurr. Maybe, someday, you will star in a hit TV show and you will get to keep the fangirls you have gained.

Kurr: Okay!

_And so Kurr went off to play a small role in a TV show that nobody has heard of and that his fangirls can not find anywhere in the internet world or the TV world which causes them to go back to squeeing over Darken Rahl. The end._

_

* * *

_

Tally

Add-In: 3 = 16 Total

Book Rape: 1 = 4 Total

Confessed: 0 = 11 Total

Death Toll: 22 = 80 Total

Epic Sword Fight: 1 = 7 Total

Zomg That Happened!: 1 = 4 Total


	8. Resurrection

_We immediately are drawn into an Epic Sword Fight. **+1 ESF**, **+12 DT**, **+1 C**. Yeah, pretty epic._

Confessed Man: Mistress! Command me!

Kahlan: Why'd you attack us?

CM: It was my orders!

Richard: Wtf? War's over.

CM: But... General Grix wants the throne for himself!

Richard: Where is he?

_Scene. Some D'Haran soldier leader is giving a speech to other D'Haran soldiers._

_Enter man._

Man: General Griiiix! (**+1 AI**) There's a visitor here. And she's pretty.

Visitor: 'Sup? There's a message here... on my sexy body! (_Gets naked and turns around. There is, indeed, a message on her back._)

Grix: Ah! An invitation...

_Back to the gang._

CM: Yeah, Grix isn't here. He went bye-bye. And a D'Haran quad was here with Whisperers!

Richard: You mean those things that look like Kahlan's vibrator that can kill you when activated?

CM: Yes! And Grix wants to use them to wipe out villages of those against him!

Richard: Okay! Kahlan and Zedd shall track the quad while Cara and I go after the general.

_So they split up. Kahlan and Zedd come across the quad and kill them. **+4 DT**_

Kahlan: God dammit, Confessed Man! We needed one aliiiiive!

CM: Sorry but... He was gonna kill you!

Zedd: Gah! One whisperer is missing from this box!

Kahlan: (_Finds one of the men still alive and confesses him_.) Where's the missing Whisperer?

Dying Man: It's hidden in Norwood under the East bridge. (**+1 AI**). It'll go off in about an hour. I'm so sorry! (_Officially dies_.)

_Back to Cara and Richard._

Cara: Richard... If you hadn't turned down the throne of D'Hara these men would be helping you!

Richard: But... I'd be ruthless!

Cara: Richard... You really need to read, Machaevilli's, The Prince. It's better to be feared than loved!

Richard: Didn't you already tell me that once? Anyways, I don't want to hurt or scare anyone! That's meeeeaaaann!

Cara: You're mean.

Richard: Your mom's mean.

Cara: Ah hellz no!

Richard: Ah hellz yes! Now enough prattle. We must find Grix...

_Meanwhile, Kahlan and Zedd attempt to make it in time to stop the Whisperer from going off._

Kahlan: Noes! We're too late!

_And the whisperer goes off. Zedd manages to cast some sort of deafening spell to protect them and the entire village from it._

Kahlan: Well, that was fun and all, but we should get back to Richard with our box of unused whisperers!

_Back to Richard and Cara... Entering a brothel._

_Enter... Denna!_

Richard: Denna? You've lost your mord-sithedness!

Denna: Yes... And this is the only job I could find. Stupid economy...

Richard: Have you ever served a man called General Grix?

Denna: Why do you want to know?

Richard: Because he has a supply of whisperers and is killing other D'Harans with it and if you don't tell me where he is now, he could wipe out all of your customers and then you will have no job!

Denna: He left and I have no idea where he is. Now why don't you indulge in some free sex?

Richard: Yay!

_Scene. A man is making some whisperers. Denna barges in._

Denna: You betch! You've been making and selling whisperers, haven't you?

Man: The economy sucks and you demand me to make expensive potions that I cannot afford! How else am I to get the money?

Denna: The Seeker came here much sooner than I wanted him to. I haven't completed the General's training yet! So thanks, sorcerer. Thanks.

_Scene. Cara and Richard are still in the brothel._

Richard: My Seeker senses tell me that Denna's up to something! Now you go find Zedd and Kahlan and bring them back here whilst I indulge in s- I mean, look around here.

Cara: Heh. (_She leaves._)

Richard: Hello pretty ladies! Have you ever served a friend of mine, Grix?

Lady: Ah, the Seeker! For you, I give you fun!

_So they go upstairs. The lady proceeds to remove her clothes._

Richard: Nooo! I only wanna do this wiff Kahlan!

Lady: But... I'm pretty!

Richard: I just wanna know stuffs about General Grix!

Lady: Only if you help me! You see, I'm a single mother raising my son, Edrand. Being a whore is the only work I can do. There are better jobs, far away, but I'm too scared to make the journey.

Richard: Okay! I'll take you there. Now tell me about Grix.

Lady: Well, he's a Pisces. His favorite color is Periwinkle. He likes martinis and has a horse named Lamborghini. He collects beanie babies and, when he was nine years old, he won the 32nd annual Spelling Bee championship! Also, he likes it when you stick a-

Richard: Well, these facts are fun and all, but do you know where he is now?

Lady: He's here somewhere. Lambourghini is still down in the stalls.

_Back to Denna._

Denna: Where'd Mr. Seeker go?

Woman: With Lucinda! (**+1 AI**)

_Meanwhile..._

Lucinda: So General Grix is gonna throw a big party at the palace tomorrow and he invited all his soldier friends...

_Enter Denna._

Denna: 'Sup?

Lucinda: Bye! (_Leaves_)

Richard: Wtf? I didn't even get to see her nekked!

Denna: Silly Richard... It's me you wanna see nekked!

Voice from downstairs: SEEKER!

Richard: (_Pulls out sword and investigates. He finds two soldiers trying to run off with Lucinda._)

Richard: I do not approve of this behavior, thus, I interfere. LET HER GO!

_And so Richard attacks the two men. However, Denna gets out a tranquilizer gun and shoots Richard. He falls unconscious._

Lucinda: NOEZ!

Denna: STFU! Guards, take her away.

_In a dungeony area, Lucinda is chained down to a table._

Lucinda: Well this sucks.

Sorceror: There's not much potion. You sure we should do this?

Denna: Yes. We need to stop the Wizard and Mother Confessor from showing up here.

Sorcerer: Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetur adipiscing elit nulla sem MASSA! (_Stabs Lucinda. She dies. __**+1 DT**_) Lacinia a iaculis id fringilla at METUS! (_Crazy green smoke stuff starts coming out of Lucinda's body. The sorcerer puts drops of potion down Lucinda's mouth_.) Morbi posuere arcu sit amet lectus lobortis non CONVALLIS! (_Green stuff shoots back into Lucinda's body._)

Denna: (_Gives Lucinda CPR. She awakes._)

Lucinda: Wtf? Who are you and where am I?

Denna: Oh you see, I summoned your spirit back from the Underworld so that you can live again!

Spirit in Lucinda's Body: Why?

Denna: So that you can kill Cara! The Mord Sith who killed you.

_Later on, Richard is chained to that same table while Denna tortures Grix._

Richard: I need to go back to saving the world. So if you could set me free, that would be great.

Denna: I have your magical compass!

Richard: But... It only works for me! Anyways, I know your plan! You plan on capturing all of these soldiers and using them to rule D'Hara!

Denna: Good job, Richard! But I need the people's loyalty in order to actually rule D'Hara... Someone of the Rahl bloodline!

Richard: Jennsen?

Denna: No...

Richard: Darken?

Denna: No...

Richard: Nathan?

Denna: No...

Richard: Oba?

Denna: You! I need you!

Richard: Me? Heh, good luck!

Denna: Cara's gonna die before she can get to your loser friends.

Richard: Rattails!

_Meanwhile, Cara is searching for Zedd and Kahlan._

Cara: Kahlan? Oh Kaaaaahlaaan! Where are you, you sexy bitch?

_Suddenly, the person in Lucinda's body (whom I assume is Denee) starts attacking Cara. Denee is about to confess Cara when Kahlan pushes her away._

Denee: Oh hai Kahlan. My spirit came out from the Underworld and was placed in this body. I'm gonna kill Cara now, kay?

Kahlan: Lies! You're not Denee!

Denee: O rly? Don't you remember that time we killed that little boy for running off with your Halloween candy? We dumped his body in the Mississippi River and swore we'd never tell a soul?

Kahlan: Zomg! It is you!

Cara: Whut?

_Back in the brothel dungeon._

Grix: Oh Mistress! Have I pleased you?

Denna: Oh yes. Now all you have to do is kill yourself and your training will be complete!

Grix: Hooray! (_Kills self. __**+1 DT**_)

_Back to Kahlan and friends._

Cara: ... and Richard is trapped with Denna. We must infiltrate the place!

Zedd: Ah, Denee could be the perfect assassin.

Denee: Why are you on this bitch's side? She killed me right after I drowned my own child!

Kahlan: Yeah, old news dude. Anyways, there's much I need to tell you but we need to go save Richard now, kay?

Denee: Noooo! That bitch is a monster!

Cara: Well! I don't like you either!

_Back in the dungeons._

_Enter whore._

Whore: Mistress! The D'Harans are coming!

Denna: Oh goody. Keep them distracted.

Richard: Kahlan's gonna stop you!

Denna: Naw, I don't think so. (_Kills Richard. __**+1 DT**_)

_Back to Kahlan and friends._

Dennee: Whyyyy?

Kahlan: She's proven herself loyal!

Dennee: She's evil and she killed me and rah rah rah rah rah!

Kahlan: Denne, STFU! I've been wanting to kill her for quite some time but she's on our side now and...

Cara: Hey! My agiel's magic is gone! That must mean Richard's dead!

Kahlan: NOOOOOOOO!

_In the Underworld..._

Richard: Holy crap cats! It's, like, _really_ green...

Darken: Welcome to the Underworld. Now, if I can- Oh, it's you. Bah! Why waste my time. You'll just say no. Anyways, look! Grix is here too. Such a loyal servant to me... He turned down my offer of becoming a baneling. Says his "mistress" is gonna place his soul into your body. I do not approve of such magic! Only The Keeper can control who lives and dies. Grix will be summoned soon and I cannot stop it! You must become a baneling now, kay?

Richard: Nooo! I don't wanna kill people.

Darken: Wtf? Do you know how high the Death Toll is? And we're not even halfway done with this season!

_And so the two argue until Grix magically leaves the Underworld. He enters Richard's body._

Grix in Richard: Whoa! That was some crazy shizzle.

Denna: Yes. And now you get to be Lord Rahl!

Grix: Sweet!

_In the brothel area..._

Whore: Here's some tea and crumpets!

General: STFU! Where's Grix?

Grix in Richard: Here! (_Throws Grix's head on the table._)

General: (_Gasp_) Seeker!

Grix/Richard: Lord Rahl, thank you.

Soldier: Noez! (_Attempts to attack Grix. Grix kills him. __**+1 DT**_)

Grix: Swear allegiance or DIE!

_So Grix/Richard gives all the D'Harans a long speech. Kahlan and friends see this._

Zedd: That's not Richard...

Cara: My agiel works!

Zedd: Yeah, but that's not Richard...

_And Grix leads his new army to the People's Palace._

Cara: Kay, I think we should find the sorcerer responsible for this magic and make him get the real Richard back.

Kahlan: But... how?

Dennee: I'll go back and confess him.

Zedd: I'll go with her.

Cara: And what about this person in Richard's body?

Kahlan: We kidnap him in the night!

Cara: Well that sounds foolproof. [!]

_In the dungeons._

Denee: Hi sorcerer. Denna told me to come back after killing the mord sith, which I did.

Sorcerer: Ah, I kill you now!

_Enter Zedd. He uses magic to freeze the sorcerer. Denee confesses him. __**+1 C**_.

Sorcerer: Command me, mistress!

Denee: Restore the Seeker to his proper body! And the woman who should be in mine.

Sorcerer: Okay. But the elixir is uber rare and I only have enough left to cast it for one more person!

_Meanwhile, Grix is having some fun with Denna..._

_Enter Cara and Kahlan._

Kahlan: Get your hands off my man, betch!

_And so the four of them fight. Denna calls out for her guards. They come right after Kahlan stabs Grix/Richard. _

Denna: Kill these two, pesky kids!

Lieutenant: Nah, I don't think so.

General: Whut?

Kahlan: I confessed him earlier. And if you try killing any of us, he'll set off that whisperer he's holding.

General: Bah, I only take orders from Lord Rahl and he's dead. I'm leaving!

Denna: Bah, I suppose I'll follow.

_They all leave._

Kahlan: K, let's get Richard's body now!

_And so the sorcer performs the magic needed to bring Richard back. _

_In the Underworld..._

Darken: And then he told me my cloak made me look fat, so I tied him up and forced my guards to shove cat food up his-

Richard: AAAAHHH! (_Disappears from the Underworld._)

Darken: Noez! I wasn't finished with my story!

_Back in the dungeon._

Richard: Yay! I'm back! Hi Kahlan! (_Makes out with Kahlan_) Oh, hai Lucinda!

Denee/Lucinda: No, I'm now Dennee. And I'm stuck here in this body forever.

Cara: Well, this is nice and all, but we need to go after Denna!

Richard: Okay, but first we shall go to Lucinda's house.

_At Lucinda's house._

Richard: Now you can have a little, baby boy you can take care of.

Denee: Yay baby!

_And then the gang leaves Denee to lead another woman's life while they go off after Denna to get Captain Jack Sparrow's compass back._

_

* * *

_Tally

Add In: 3 = 19

Book Rape: 0 = 4

Confessed: 2 = 13

Death Toll: 20 = 100

Epic Sword Fight: 1 = 8

Zomg That Happened!: 0 = 4


	9. Light

_In a house, a group of nuns are knitting a blanket._

_Enter Denna._

Denna: Follow my orders or die!

_Outside the house._

Richard: So Denna's trail ends here...

_Loud noises are heard inside the house. Richard and friends investigate and find all the nuns dead. **+6 DT**. _

Richard: Hey! There's Denna outside, running away- AAAAAAAHHHHH! Migraine! Okay, it passed. Now let's go!

_So Richard, Kahlan, and Cara chase after Denna whilst Zedd investigates the dead nuns. Richard catches up with Denna and tackles her to the ground. _

Richard: Wait... You're not Denna! Wtf?

_Back in the house, Denna is disguised as one of the nuns._

Denna: Prepare to feel pain, Wizard! (_Pokes Zedd with agiel_)

_Richard, Kahlan and Cara arrive at the house to find it empty. A note is written on the wall._

Richard: "Follow me and the Wizard dies." Well this sucks!

_Meanwhile..._

Zedd: Whaddya wants from meh?

Denna: Stfu and cover our tracks!

Zedd: Okays. (_Covers track. As they continue on, Zedd leaves behind one of his signature flowers._)

_Later..._

Richard: Oh look, one of Zedd's signature flowers! AAAAAAAHHHHH! Migraine!

Kahlan: Richard! What's wrong?

_Enter three nuns._

Nun 1: Hi! I'm Sister Verna and this is Sister Catherine and Sister Elizabeth. Only we can save your boy toy. You see, Richard is finally becoming a Wizard! (**+1 ZTH!**)

Cara: lolwhut?

Sister Verna: We received a prophecy over twenty years ago that said a Wizard would be born. So we've been out here, searching, for the past twenty years. And we finally found you! (**+1 ZTH!**) Anyways, it's time to take you to the Palace of the Prophets, in the Old World, to teach you how to become a Wizard, k?

Richard: Wait- I thought the Sisters of the Light lived in Thandor? I mean, that's where we took Renn waaay back in the beginning of Season One...

Sister Verna: Oh, well, you see... Uh... Just come with us!

Richard: No, I don't think so. We have a Wizard who can help me out. We just need to help him get away from an evil mord-sith and- AAAAAAAHHHHH!

Sister Catherine: Yep, this is getting worse... (_Heals Richard's headache, then falls over dead. __**+1 DT.**_)

Sister Verna: She died trying to heal you. I mean, she would've killed herself anyway if you didn't accept our offer... And Sister Elizabeth would've died if you declined our offer the second time and so on. (**+1 BR**) But that's beside the point. Now you shall come with us!

Richard: Noooo! I don't want to leave Kahlan.

Kahlan: Go away! I hate you! You're stupid and annoying and ugly!

Richard: Noooo! This is the TV Show!

Kahlan: Oh... Well... Pwease go? And we'll go after Zedd and name a substitute Seeker until you return?

Richard: Okays! Now here's the Sword of Truth for you to hang on to.

Kahlan: Yay super sword!

_And so Richard goes off with the sisters whilst Cara and Kahlan go after Zedd._

_Meanwhile..._

Denna: I found out you've leaving a trail of funky flowers... You're in deep trouble now!

Zedd: Noez!

_Back to Kahlan and Cara._

Kahlan: Interesting... The roots of the flower is still here but the flower itself is gone...

Cara: Zomg! Look out!

_An arrow shoots towards Kahlan. It missed. They see a D'Haran soldier and Kahlan chucks a knife at him. **+1 DT.** A large group of soldiers appear and an epic sword fight ensues. **+1 ESF** and **+7 DT**. Kahlan confessed one. **+1 C**._

Kahlan: Who sent you?

Confessed Man: Denna! She promised us moneys!

_Back to Richard and the nuns. They come across a dead horse and a destroyed carriage._

Richard: Wtf?

Verna: Holy guacamole! Mriswith! They're invisible...

_Suddenly, Elizabeth is taken away by a mriswith._

Richard: Nooo! We must save her!

Verna: Nooo! People taken away by the mriswith are never seen again! You can't fight them or see them. Now lets get moving!

_Back to Denna._

Denna: You idiot D'Harans have failed! (_Kills the two D'Haran soldiers. __**+2 DT**_.) Now Zedd, you are going to make these two bodies look like us or else I will destroy the compass!

Zedd: Only if you leave the compass behind with them. They won't stop searching until they have it.

Denna: ... Fine then.

_Back to Richard and Verna._

Verna: Here's the Majendie. They're our friends.

_They go inside. The Majendie look surprisingly civilized._

Richard: Hai there. We need you to send out an army to go find Sister Elizabeth, kay?

Man: No, we don't wanna die. There's been more and more mriswith running around.

Verna: Wtf? They can't reproduce! The Wizards who created them made sure of that...

Richard: Created?

Verna: Yeah, wizards turned normal humans into mriswith hundreds of years ago during this one great war. (**+1 ZTH**)

Man: Well, they've been nesting at this one cave place (**+1 AI**). They've been attacking all routes. You'll never get to the Palace of Prophets. NEVAH!

Verna: But... Richard may die!

Man: I has an idea!

_In a dungeon..._

Man: So you see all these savage people? Yeah, they've been a nuisance. They're called the Baka Mana Ban whatever. Now you're gonna take some of them and chain them to this one place and use them as bait. The mriswith will be distracted and you can run free!

Richard: Whut? You mean I don't have to kill a lone woman myself to sacrifice her to some crazy spirits you believe in, all so that you'll let me pass through your land unharmed? We're just using the Baka Ban Mana as bait? (**+1 BR**) Well, no matter how I cause harm to these people, I will not do it!

Man: Then the mriswith will kill you on your way there!

Richard: I thought you would kill me if I didn't do it.

Man: Silence! Us Majendie are civilized people. CIVILIZED I TELL YOU! (_Shakes fist_)

_Above the dungeons..._

Verna: K, let's do this.

Richard: But... I don't approve of it! Innocent people will die!

Verna Rah rah rah rah rah!

Richard: Rah rah rah rah rah! AAAAAAAHHHHH! MIGRAINE!

Verna: My point exactly!

Richard: I has an idea!

_So Richard and Verna go back down into the dungeons. Verna chucks a ninja star at one of the guards._

Verna: If you don't do as I say, I will release the magic of that ninja star and you will die!

Richard: Now release the prisoners!

_So the prisoners are released and the guards end up locked in their cells. Richard leads them through forest._

Woman: Those Majendie lied to us and told them they wanted us there to make peace! But instead, they started using us as mriswith bait! But I knew the Cahairen would come to save us. Which is you!

Richard: Nooo! I don't wanna be a special snowflake! I just wanna be left alooone!

Woman: Oh Richard... I am Du Chaillu and you will be my husband.

Richard: lolwhut?

Du: Nothing...

Verna: Now how the hell are we gonna get to the Palace?

Du: We'll have to go through this one place and past those caves where the mriswith are nesting.

Richard: Damn...

_Meanwhile, in the dungeons..._

Man: Wtf? Where'd the prisoners go?

Guards: Those two visitors helped them escape.

Man: Well, let's go after them!

_Meanwhile, Kahlan and Cara come across Zedd and Denna's "bodies."_

Kahlan: Noez! Zedd!

Cara: Oh hey, the compass!

Kahlan: Yay!

_Back to Richard and new friends._

_Enter Majendie._

Man: Give us the prisoners or die!

Richard: Nooo!

_Suddenly, a man is taken away by a mriswith. And another one. And another one goes and another one goes..._

Richard: Kay, let's run while they're distracted.

Du: Cool! I'll stay here and hold them off.

Richard: Noo-

Du: STFU!

Richard: But... We can fight them!

_Back to Kahlan and Cara._

Kahlan: Since there's no more Wizards of the First Order, we need to get into the Old World to find Richard. And zomg! There's a tracer cloud! It must be sent by Zedd!

Cara: Wtf? He's DEAD!

Kahlan: It was an illusion!

Cara: That tracer cloud is an illusion!

Kahlan: Your face is an illusion!

Cara: Oh hell no, bitch!

_And then they start arguing over Zedd's death._

_Meanwhile..._

Richard: Yay! The mriswith caves!

_And then a mriswith takes Du Chaillu away._

Richard: Noez! (_Chucks knife. It hits an invisible foe. As he dies, it becomes visible_.) Holy shit! It looks like Voldemort!

Verna: How dare you speak his name! Anyways... It looks like their cloaks cause them to become invisible...

Richard: OMG! Voldemort has gotten hold of all three Hallows and is now master of Death! This is worse than we thought!

Verna: Richard, enough with the Harry Potter references! Not everyone gets them and- zomg! This one has the same scar Sister Elizabeth had... It's her!

Richard: Holy crap! They're kidnapping people and turning them into mriswith! And all this time, I thought wearing their cloaks and stealing their special weapons for long periods of time would turn you into one... (**+1 BR**) Anyways, I must sneak into their caves and save everyone now. I can use this invisibility cloak so they won't see me.

Verna: Richard!

_Meanwhile..._

Zedd: Denna... I know why you're doing this. Cuz you have no friends!

Denna: Friends are for losers.

Zedd: (_Gives long speech about love and friendship and how Denna can still do good in the world_.)

Denna: Oh God! Spare me!

_And Denna is suddenly struck with an arrow. **+1 DT**_

_Enter Cara and Kahlan._

Kahlan: Zomg! You're aliiive!

Zedd: Where's Richard?

_Where is Richard? Inside the mriswith cave. Kahlan, Cara, and Zedd would not approve. Some mriswith are surrounded by some cocoon-looking thing. Richard sneaks up and kills the mriswith. **+3 DT**. Then he tears open the cocoon. Du Chaillu pops out._

Du: Wow! You came back for me!

Richard: Yes! Now where's the others?

_So Richard and Du Chaillu start tearing open other cocoons. Then, a mriswith pops out of one._

Mriswith: I KILL YOU!

Richard: I KILL YOU FIRST!

_And Richard kills the thing. __**+1 DT**_.

_Back to Kahlan, Cara, and Zedd._

Zedd: Welp, I suppose we outta name a new, substitute Seeker. And one Kahlan won't fall in love with!

Kahlan: Not gonna happen... Richard's the only one I want!

_Speaking of Richard..._

Richard: Alright! The Ban-Baka-A-La and you Majendas need to make peace now, kay?

Majendie: But... The mriswith.

Du: Richard proved they can be killed!

Majendie: But that's only because Richard is the first wizard with subtractive magic born in a thousand years! He's the only person who can sense their presence! (**+1 BR**)

Du: Sshhhh... We can fight them together!

Majendie: Okay!

_So they Majendie and the Baka-Ban hold hands and frolic merrily through the flowers._

Verna: Well Richard, I gotta say... You are one crazy mo fo!

* * *

Tally

Add-In: +1 = 20

Book Rape: +4 = 8

Confessed: +1 = 14

Death Toll: +22 = 122

Epic Sword Fight: +1 = 9

Zomg That Happened!: +3 = 7


	10. Dark

Verna: Well Richard, here it is- The Palace of The Prophets!

Richard: Wow! We didn't even have to go through this crazy valley that we can get lost in forever and ever. Nor did we have the Baka Ban Mana try attacking us because I'm apparently a wizard and their crazy beliefs say they must kill all wizards. Which means no "dance with death." No gars to slay, which means I have no pet gar named Gratch to keep me company. None of that! Instead, all we do is rescue some innocent tribesmen and slay a bunch of mriswith who should actually be chillin' in the Hagen Woods. (**+4 BR**) AAAAAAHHHH! MIGRAINE!

Verna: I just realized... If only I had thought to bring a Rada Han, you wouldn't be having these headaches anymore! Forgot to add that in the last chapter... (**+1 BR**)

Richard: Why are we wasting our time discussing book rapes? Let's go get this over with!

_Inside the palace, the nuns- I mean, the Sisters of The Light, are singing Gregorian tunes. _

Prelate: Hi Richard! Welcome to the Palace of The Prophets. And- wtf happened to Sister Brenna?

Sister Brenna: (_Is dead. __**+1 DT**_)

Richard: Oh hey, look at this rash on her arm. It's from a poisonus plant.

Prelate: Interesting... I sent her on a secret mission and since she came back, she went loopy. Must've killed herself. Now Sister Verna, go take Richard to bed.

A Sister: Psst... Richard. Meet me at this once place at this one time. (_Leaves_)

Verna: Here, Richard. Here's your new bedroom!

Richard: Sweet! Where's my never-ending supply of moneys?

Verna: Silly boy! (_Leaves_.)

_Meanwhile..._

Kahlan: (_sobbing hysterically_) I MISS RICHAAAARD!

Cara: Sheesh, girl. Get a grip. Ever heard of that "confessor face" you're supposed to wear at all times? Anyways, what's taking Zedd so long?

_Moving over to Zedd._

Zedd: Hi Shota. About what I said before? Yeah, I'm gonna need to name a new Seeker now.

Shota: Yay! I have seen the perfect candidate in my visions! Come look!

_In the Palace of The Prophets, Richard mets with the mysterious Sister._

Mysterious Sister: Hi Richard! I'm Nicci and-

_Wait a minute. Hold up! That's Sister Nicci? Death's Mistress? The Slave Queen? She's not blond? She's not hot? She's not wearing a kick-ass black dress? What the fuck is this shit? I mean, normally, I don't complain about appearances. But this... This is madness. My favorite character has already been destroyed and she's barely said anything yet! I always pictured her as some hot gothic chick. Like, a blond version of Helena Bonham Carter. That was one of the reasons I liked her so much. By appearance alone, she seemed hella cool. This girl does not look hella cool. I'm sorry but **+1 BR** for not even attempting to make Nicci look like Nicci! They would've been better off putting a blond wig on Kahlan..._

_A-hem. Sorry for the rant. You may continue speaking, "Nicci."_

Nicci: Anyways, I'm gonna tell you a secret... My age.

Richard: Whut? A girl is actually gonna be honest about her age? Awesome!

Nicci: Yes, I am nearly three hundred years old.

Richard: Aw man! You girls are always doing that! You're either telling me you're twenty-six when you're really three hundred, and then you tell me you're three hundred when you're really twenty-six. Why are you all so confusing?

Nicci: Richard... Stfu! The Palace has a magical spell on it that makes people inside the palace age slower. So one day here is ten days outside of here. (**+1 ZTH!**)

Richard: But, by the time I'm out of here, Kahlan won't be pretty anymore!

Nicci: Yes, and the Keeper would have won and all you have done so far would've been for nothing! Oh, and the Prelate really just wants you here so you can be her disciple and use you for her own gain.

Richard: Well, my book counterpart pretty much knew that already...

Nicci: Also, there's a prophecy that says you'll find the stone, but give it to the Keeper.

Richard: lolwhut?

Nicci: Yeah, and no one wanted you to know all this. Sister Brenna did, and she got in an argument with the Prelate over it. I think that's why she's dead.

Richard: Okay, I'm ready to go back to my bffs. Is there a way to go back without the headaches killing me?

Nicci: Well, the Prelate has a Rada Han that could help. I'll try getting it asap. And this meeting... Never happened.

Richard: What meeting?

_They depart. Richard runs into Sister Verna._

Richard: Whhyyyy? Why you lie to meh?

Verna: (_Sigh_) Come with me to the prophecy room.

_In the prophecy room._

Verna: See? We cannot let you continue your quest because you would give the stone to the Keeper. And if you knew this, you wouldn't come.

Richard: Bah! I don't believe in prophecy!

Verna: Bah! Two of them came true already!

_Scene. A man approaches two horses and scrutinizes one of their legs._

_Enter Cara, poking him with her agiel._

Cara: Horse fucker!

Zedd: Zomg! This is just the man we've been looking for!

Cara: We've spent all this time looking for a horse fucker? Look, I know animals can get just as lonely as people but-

Man: Nooo! It's not like that! The horse's leg is hurt. It's got a pebble stuck in her hoof.

Kahlan: Yep! He's telling the truth.

Zedd: Well pshyeah! He's the next Seeker.

New Seeker: Yay!

Kahlan: Ah, but first you must pass your first Seeker test... Here's the Book of Counted Shadows! Try reading it.

New Seeker: But... It's in German!

Zedd: Yes! But a true Seeker can read German without knowing it.

New Seeker: Hurr... "One Shadow... two shadow... three shadow... four..."

Kahlan: Yay! He's the next Seeker!

Zedd: Now we shall name you!

New Seeker: But... I already have a name. Leo!

Zedd: Don't be a smart ass.

_That night..._

Zedd: (_Dances merrily around the Seeker_) Bibbity bobbity boo! Do you now take this sword to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Leo: I do.

Zedd: I now pronounce you Seeker. You may kill Darken Rahl.

Leo: Sweet! Wait, whut?

Zedd: Oops! I forgot to change that last line, didn't I? Oh well!

_Next morning..._

Zedd: And here is Captain Jack Sparrow's compass which only works for the true Seeker and real pirates.

Cara: Pirates? That's never been established...

Leo: Oh pretty lady! May I help you upon your horse?

Cara: ... Horse fucker.

Zedd: Cara! Enough of that!

Leo: Oh noodles! Something is spooking the horses!

_A large group of banelings appear._

Leo: Holy crap cats! Zombie invasion!

Zedd: No, baneling invasion. Now let's fight them off!

So Leo's first Epic Sword Fight ensues. **+1 ESF**. Have I been counting banelings towards the death toll? I don't think I have, since the banelings have already died once. Anyways, all banelings are somehow killed off.

Leo: Whoa! What's a baneling?

Zedd: Dead souls that bargain with the Keeper for a chance at life in exchange for killing.

Leo: Whut if they come back?

Zedd: Burn their bodies and they won't.

Leo: What if they come back in someone else's body?

Kahlan: UGH! Seeker n00bs. Always asking fifty questions... Now let's get going!

_Meanwhile, Richard is complaining to Verna about how he wants to leave._

_Enter Nicci._

Nicci: Here's lunch for Richard! Wink wink.

Richard: Ah, thank you for nom noms.

_And Richard makes an excuse about how he has to go potty. He leaves the room and follows Nicci. She gives him the Rada Han along with directions. And so Richard runs for the doors, which won't let him go through. A sister appears and throws a ninja star at him. She unleashes the magic in it and Richard is knocked out. He awakes in a room with the Prelate, Sister Verna, Sister Nicci and another random Sister._

Random Sister: I told on you! Do I get a cookie, Prelate?

Prelate: Maybe later. Now, how'd you get my Rada Han?

Richard: That is for me to know and for you to not find out!

Prelate: Well, you must know that the sister who is helping you out is actually a Sister of the Dark and is only helping you deliver the stone to the Keeper.

Verna: Aren't Sisters of the Dark a myth? And I thought we weren't supposed to discuss them.

Prelate: Don't get smart with me! Now Sister Nicci, show Richard to his room and make sure he doesn't get any uninvited guests!

Nicci: Otays! (_They leave._)

Richard: Alright, woman! Why you lie? You're EVIL!

Nicci: Wtf? The Prelate's the evil liar!

Richard: Oh, okay then. Now, is there another way out?

Nicci: Maybe. But it will involve me taking away you're han and doing that could possibly kill me- or make me powerful enough to help you escape! Think on it... (_Leaves_)

_Later..._

That random Sister: Sister Philomino is in the New World searching for the new Seeker now. He'll be dead soon.

Nicci: Excellent, Sister Ulicia. Richard will soon want me to take his power and then he'll be back on his quest. And then I shall kill the Prelate and all Sisters who oppose me. But Richard's han is uber powerful. It could kill me.

Ulicia: Well kill another sister so you'll be more powerful!

Nicci: Good call. (_Stabs Ulicia and steals her han_. _**+1 DT**_) Oh noodles! Now who will kidnap that one person to steal that one thing to cause a major thing to be gone forever in season nine?

_Meanwhile, Cara is keeping watch._

Leo: Let me take over. You need sleep or else you'll become a cranky pants.

Cara: Don't tell me what to do.

Leo: Okay... Uh, how much do polar bears weigh?

Cara: Enough to break the ice. I've already _heard_ that one.

Leo: Oh. Say, have you ever trained a chipmunk? Like, a mighty chipmunk that will obey your orders and kill people on command.

Cara: (_Giggles_) I mean, uh... Whut?

Leo: HA! I made you laugh.

Cara: Yeah, I do need some sleep. (_Goes to bed_.)

Kahlan: Wow Cara! That's the first time I heard you laugh. You liiiiike him!

Cara: Stfu and go to sleep!

_Scene. Richard and Verna have a disussion._

Richard: Well, Verna. I must say that a Sister of the Dark is helping me escape and when I leave her behind, she will be uber powerful!

Verna: (_Gaspo_) I can't let you do this...

Richard: I took your magical ninja star and the writers have changed the laws of Rada Hans. Which means Nicci will never be as bad ass as she was in the last book... If you know what I mean.

Verna: Wtf?

Richard: Exactly! Now either keep Nicci from killing all Sisters of the Light, or stay here bound and gagged. I shall escape either way!

Verna: But... You won't leave innocent women to die!

Richard: You're not innocent! You took me away from my loooove!

Verna: It was done with the best intentions.

Richard: A-HA! Richard's second rule: Sometimes the greatest harm can come from the best intentions!

Verna: Don't you mean "Wizard's second rule?"

Richard: Don't argue wiff meh!

_Next morning, Leo practices his sweet sword skills while Cara secretly watches._

Cara: Ohemgee! Look out! (_Pounces on Leo just as a ninja star flies over their heads_.)

Leo: Oooohhh Cara...

Cara: Eww, no! Someone tried to kill you! (_Runs off after killer_._ Leo follows. They catch up to the assassin, who turns out being a Sister of the Something._)

Leo: Why? Why you try assassinating meh?

Sister: I'll never tell! NEVAH!

_Enter Kahlan and Zedd._

Kahlan: Wtf?

Cara: She's an assassin that refuses to speak!

Kahlan: I can change that! (_Proceeds to confess the Sister but Leo stabs her in the neck. __**+1 DT**__._)

Kahlan: Wtf?

Zedd: There must be some pretty crazy chizz going on at The Palace of the Prophets. You two girls shall go get Richard while Leo and I find the Stone of Tears.

_Meanwhile..._

Nicci: Okay, now all you gotta do is put your palms against mine and surrender your han! (_Richard does_.) Now, chant with me! Teruha yakanimi dru ark labb du hgreveiuwnjkl8e...

Richard: Teruha yakanimi dru ark labb du... Wait, how do I say that last word?

_Suddenly, an explosion occurs between the two. Nicci is now powerful enough to break through the Prelate's barriers and Richard can escape. _

_Enter Verna with a Rada Han. She closes it around Nicci's neck._

Verna: Ha! Now you can't use your new powers.

Nicci: Whut?

Richard: I may be stupid but I'm not an idiot. I know you're a Sister of the Dark! You pass out the HIM books, therefore, you poisoned Sister Brenna's book which made her die!

Nicci: HIM? I think you mean Hymn...

Richard: No, HIM! As in, His Infernal Majesty.

Nicci: No, HYMN! As in, His Yak Makes Noodles!

Richard: Stop making me look stupid! I know Ulicia snitched on me to make it look like the Prelate and the Sisters of the Light were evil. All so you can steal my han and become uber powerful.

_Enter Prelate and Sisters._

Prelate: Get him!

Richard: Bye! (_Flees the Palace_.)

Nicci: Yay! Keeper will win!

_And in the prophecy room, a new prophecy appears..._

"As long as the Mother Confessor's pure heart beats, the Keeper is doomed to fail."

_Meanwhile, the Mother Confessor and Cara are on their way to the Palace when..._

Zedd: Oh hai!

Kahlan: Wtf are you doing here?

Zedd: The compass changed direction!

Cara: Yay! I can travel with Leo again!

Kahlan: Whut?

Cara: Eww! I have to travel with Leo again!

* * *

Tally

Add-In: +0 = 20

Book Rape: +6 = 14

Confessed: +0 = 14

Death Toll: +3 = 125

Epic Sword Fight: +1 = 10

Zomg That Happened!: +1 = 8


	11. Perdition

Verna: Get up, Richard!

Richard: Wtf? I thought I got away from you! And... I'm still in the Palace? Whut?

Verna: Crazy boy and your crazy dreams... Get up and get dressed! Someone's here for you...

Richard: (_Gets up and gets dressed, then follows Verna_.) SQUEEE! KAHLAN!

Kahlan: SQUEEE! RICHARD! It's been so long... Oh, and here's my daughter, Sonia!

Sonia: Hi scary man!

Richard: Wtf?

_Enter Man._

Man: Hey Kahliboo!

Kahlan: Philly!

Richard: Wtf?

Kahlan: This is Phillip! The Seeker who took your place. I married him...

Richard: WHAT THE-

Phillip: Well, come on Sonia, let's get some nom noms! (_They leave_)

Richard: Srsly, wtf?

Kahlan: Well, the Stone of Tears was destroyed and the rift was never sealed. Now me, my hubby, my daughter, and a bunch of random hobos are the only ones left! We lost Cara and Zedd died. Anyways, we came as soon as we got your letter saying that your training was almost complete.

Richard: I didn't send any letters?

Kahlan: And now that you're a fully-trained war wizard who has both additive and subtractive magic, maybe you could be the one to destroy the Keeper once and for all!

Richard: Hold the phone! You confessed Phillip? A _Seeker_?

Kahlan: Oh, that... Yeah, I'm no longer a confessor. Pesky Sisters of the Dark...

Richard: SCORE! I can finally make little Seeker babies with Kahlan!

Kahlan: I'm married...

Richard: Dammit. Well, I will try to help you but something is seriously wrong right now. You see, I've only been here a week and I escaped! Yet I somehow ended up back here this morning and such a long time has passed... Something fishy is going on.

Kahlan: Well, I trust you Richard. I shall help you find out what's fishy.

Richard: Whut? You never agree with me so quickly. Something must be wrong!

_They go to see the Prelate._

Richard: I wanna know what's going on NAO!

Prelate: You're going crazy, that's all.

_Enter Phillip._

Phillip: AAHH! Baneling invasion!

_And Richard managed to use his new wizard powers to kill off the banelings._

Verna: Well, it's great that we got rid of the banelings inside, but there's still many more surrounding us.

Richard: Welp, the Keeper hasn't won yet!

_Meanwhile, in a barren wasteland of sand and bones..._

Richard: (_muttering_) Keeper hasn't won. Strong walls. Kahlan's mine, betch!

_Further away..._

Verna: Shouldn't we help him?

Prelate: Can't. He's stuck in the Valley of Perdition. It was created by the Ancient Wizards to keep people from crossing the Old World/New World border. (**+1 ZTH**) Poor Richard got trapped in there and is now lost forever! He'll be having some pretty crazy visions. They could even kill him!

Verna: OH! This must be The Valley of The Lost that Richard was going on about in the last chapter. Book rape indeed! So, no way to help him?

Prelate: Nope. His own fault, too. Anyways, I suppose now that prophecy about him giving the stone to the Keeper won't come true! Come along, dear.

_They return to the Palace of The Prophets. Nicci is chained up._

Prelate: Hola Nicci! Now, tell us the names of all the Sisters of The Dark or I kill you!

Nicci: You won't kill me... You need me to restore Richard's han!

Prelate: Bah, Richard's stuck in The Valley of The Lost!

Verna: You told me it was the Valley of Perdition?

Prelate: Shhh...

_Scene. The new Seeker and his new friends are going through fog._

Kahlan: I bet the compass is leading us to Richard!

Leo: I bet the Richard is leading us to compass.

Cara: I bet the Richard's compass is leading us to your mom.

Leo: I bet your mom is leading us to a compass.

Kahlan: I bet a compass is drawing your mom in a circle.

Cara: I bet a circle is drawing your mom in a compass.

Zedd: COMBO BREAKER!

Cara: Dammit.

Kahlan: Hey, look! It's the old world!

_Meanwhile, in Richard's head..._

Richard: Okay! We gonna need some more water!

Prelate: Naw, we should just give up. Indeed, we are all committing suicide!

Richard: I thought people who committed suicide went to hell?

Prelate: Shhh... (_Kills self, Sisters follow_.)

_Meanwhile, Nicci is being tortured into confession..._

Prelate: Give us the names, dammit!

Nicci: Bah, I'm a horrible person anyway. I deserve everything I get. Continue torturing me, plz.

Prelate: (_sigh_) This isn't working. But I wonder... Do we still have that copy of Twilight?

Nicci: OKAY! Their names are Denna, Cara, Triana, Constance, Berdine, Raina, Hally, Nyda and Rikka.

Prelate: Sweet.

_Meanwhile, the Sisters of The Dark are out in the woods doing some crazy stuff to save Nicci and- AAAAHHHHH! SPIDER! I am sorry, but as a paranoid arachniphobic, I cannot watch this part... Ugh I fricken hate spiders. It's the way they look... And that is one nasty little mo fo. Ew! Is it gone? I think so. Okay, so from what I remember between peeks my first time seeing this episode, the icky, nasty, creepy, disgusting spider that I really wish would die crawled onto Nicci and did something to her that made her get her magic back or whatever. I give kudos to the actress for being able to stand such a foul creature crawling up... (shudder) Anyways..._

_The Prelate and a couple Sisters check on Nicci to find her gone. Her Rada Han was left behind._

Prelate: Oh noodles! The most powerful sorcerer in the world is running around lose...

_Back to the Sisters of the Dark._

_Enter Nicci._

Nicci: Thanks guys, for sending that disgusting tarantula to help me out! Now we must go help Richard! He's stuck in the Valley of Perdition!

Sister: You mean Valley of The Lost?

Nicci: That too!

Sister: Oh, there's also a new prophecy you should know about. Apparently, as long as the Mother Confessor is alive, the Keeper will fail. I hear she and her friends are on their way to the Palace now, actually.

_Inside Richard's head, someone is knocking on the door._

Richard: You keep on knocking but you can't come in!

Cara: It's me!

Richard: Yay Cara!

Phillip: No, don't let her in. She's a baneling!

Richard: Your face is a baneling! (_Opens door. Hundreds of banelings run inside_.)

Phillip: Wow, I totally see why Kahlan was once in love with you! [!]

Richard: You know, sometimes, your words hurt...

_But Richard uses his magic once again to rid the palace of the banelings. But not before they take Kahlan's imaginary daughter and husband. _

Kahlan: Noez! I can't live without them!

Richard: But this is great! Now you have me!

Kahlan: (_Dies_)

_And Richard fell to his stomach and cried harder than an emo kid missing a My Chemical Romance concert._

_Meanwhile..._

Cara: Wow, would you look at that? We're all alone...

Leo: ... Yep! Now, about this weather-

Cara: (_Grabs Leo and makes out with him_) Oh Benjamin...

Leo: Benjamin?

Cara: Shhhh...

_And then they do the naughty._

_Next morning..._

Leo: Here, Cara. I picked you a flower!

Cara: Why how thoughtful of you, Benjamin. Now go away!

Leo: But... I thought what we had was special! (_Runs away crying_)

Kahlan: Cara... Stop being in denial! Now go tell that poor man that you love him!

Leo: Oh look! We're here.

Kahlan: Yay Richard!

_They go inside the Palace and are greeted by the Prelate._

Prelate: Ah, Kahlan Amnell! I remember you when you were a little child and I knew you'd be an awesome cookie!

Kahlan: Why yes... I am an awesome cookie. Now where's Richard?

Prelate: He's training right now but I'll tell him you're here.

_Prelate and Verna leave._

Verna: Wtf? You lied to the Mother Confessor? And she didn't notice?

Prelate: Yes. If Kahlan knew the truth, she'd go after Richard and die. And we must keep her trapped in here so she will survive!

_Back in Richard's head..._

Darken: Sup brother? You are now the last man on Earth. Isn't that lovely?

Richard: Noez!

Darken: I haven't said this in awhile, so I'm going to say it now. God I'm gorgeous...

Richard: God dammit, Rahl! Why can't you take your sexiness elsewhere and leave me alooone!

_Back in the real Palace._

Kahlan: I smell something fishy...

Zedd: Sorry... I haven't had the chance to brush my teeth in awhile...

Kahlan: No, I mean the Prelate. I can't tell if she's lying or not. But something doesn't seem right.

_Enter Sister._

Sister: I brought you some nom noms!

Kahlan: Where's Richard?

Sister: In training...

Kahlan: You LIE!

Sister: I'm sorry! The Prelate made me do it!

Kahlan: Take me to her!

_The Sister takes them to the Prelate._

Prelate: Sorry, I can't tell you where he is.

Zedd: FINE! We'll go find him ourselves...

Prelate: Good luck! I sealed the Palace!

Leo: What'cha talkin' 'bout, Prelate?

Prelate: There's a new prophecy that says that the Keeper will fail if the Mother Confessor lives. So that is why I must keep you hostage.

Zedd: Bah! We're leaving.

Prelate: (_Chucks ninja star at Zedd_) I'll kill him!

Kahlan: (_Grabs Sister by the neck_) I'll confess her!

Verna: (_Takes ninja star out of Zedd and chucks it at the Prelate_) Bitch, you have gone crazy! Now undo the magic on the Palace!

_Meanwhile..._

Sister: I hear the Mother Confessor is headed for the Valley of Perdition.

Nicci: Sweet.

_At the Valley..._

Kahlan: RIIIICHAAAARD!

Verna: You can't go after him! You'll get lost in there forever too. For no one has ever escaped from it!

Zedd: Srsly? I heard that under-developed wizards and Sisters who have not already been through it twice can escape from it. Seeing as you haven't even been through it once, you should be able to go in and get him out! (**+1 BR**)

_Suddenly, a large group of Sisters of the Dark appear. Zedd tried blasting them with Wizard's fire, but Nicci uses magic to knock him down._

_Meanwhile, Richard is wandering around a barren, empty wasteland inside his head. The ghost of Kahlan appears._

Kahlan: Hai Richard! If you die, you can be wiff me!

Richard: Die?

Kahlan: Follow me into this large crack in the ground!

Richard: YOU'RE NOT REAL!

Kahlan: Wtf? Of course I am!

Richard: No you're not. Kahlan wouldn't want me to die.

Kahlan: Wha? Dude! There's no one left! Come wiff meh! We can make little Seeker and Confessor babies together!

Richard: No! We can't! You always said... "Silly Richard, we can never be together!" I've longed to be with you but you always feared you'd confess meh.

Kahlan: A Sister of the Dark took that power away from me...

Richard: THAT'S A LIE!

Kahlan: You're a lie!

Richard: Goodbye!

_And Richard wakes up from all the crazy visions in his head and leaves the valley._

_Meanwhile, an epic sword fight is ensuing. (**+1 ESF**) A Sister dies (**+1 DT**) and Leo is struck down by magic. Some Seeker he is... But then Richard appears, grabs the Sword of Truth from Leo, and starts fucking shit up. (**+6 DT**) He and Zedd kill Nicci into nothingness. Wait... whut? Nicci dying? This soon? That's a Book Rape! (**+1 BR**) Oh, and (**+1 DT**)._

Kahlan: Squee! Richard!

Richard: Squee! Kahlan!

Cara: Noooo! Benjamin! (**+1 DT**)

Zedd: Can you give him the breath of life?

Cara: No... His body is too damaged... Oh Benjamin, I never even got to tell you that I really did love you...

Richard: Hey Kahlan! I just now noticed... You gots a new dress!

* * *

Tally

Add-In: +0 = 20

Book Rape: +1 = 15

Confessed: +0 = 14

Death Toll: +9 = 134

Epic Sword Fight: +1 = 11

Zomg That Happened!: +1 = 9


	12. Torn

_Sorry about the long wait, kiddies. I went hiking last month and got attacked by a tribe of albino cannibals... I spent the last few weeks in the hospital. lolJKIstartedrealcollege. Now, where the hell did we leave off?_

_So Zedd, Richard, Kahlan, and Cara are on their way to some romantic getaway where Kahlan admits that she and her sister got down and dirty there one time... Richard gets jealous he wasn't there and Cara starts talking about blood and gore. Then, they come across two dead bodies dangling from a tree. (**+2 DT**)_

Cara: Sheesh. Whoever did this did a horrible job... There's hardly any blood on them!

Richard: Well, I do believe they died first, then were hanged. And the people who did this wanted to make an example of some sort.

Kahlan: Wow Richard! When did you get so smart?

Richard: I didn't... I just read it on this sign...

Zedd: Holy cat farts! The Seal of Aydindril is on here!

Kahlan: What the hell? Only the Mother fucking Confessor is allowed to use that seal. I am the Mother fucking Confessor. I did not order these deaths! Who dares to order deaths under my seal without my permission?

Richard: The Lord Regient? (**+1 AI**)

Kahlan: Who?

_Meanwhile..._

Lord Regient: I am the Lord fucking Regient! How dare you disobey meh! Now gimme the moneys!

Man: Noooo! You chopped off mah hand and now I can't work! I can only give you fifteen cents!

Lord Regient: Fifteen cents? Bitch, that won't even buy me a gum ball!

Man: I sorry! Times are tough!

Lord Regient: Sorry Shawn, but unless you gimme the moneys, your head will be chopped off tomorrow morning.

Shawn: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Man 2: (_To another man_) And this is why we need to steal the magical amulet to give to the Mother Confessor and first Wizard.

Other Man: Otays!

_So the other man steals the amulet and flees. A soldier person thing shoots an arrow at him but the magical amulet shines gold and the man vanishes._

_Meanwhile..._

Cara: Zomg... Why are we still trying to find the men who killed those men? I mean, really? Like they're gonna be chilling in the woods, making s'mores and telling ghost stories...

_And suddenly the other man magically appears, looking dead._

Kahlan: Zomg! Cyllis! (**+1 AI**)

Zedd: A Wizard of the Second Order! Give him CPR, Cara!

Cara: Nope, too late. (**+1 DT**)

Zedd: Ah, he has Orusomethingorother's Amulet! (**+1 AI**)

Richard: lolwhut?

Zedd: A magical device that is used by Wizards to find the Mother Confessor in the event of an emergency.

Kahlan: Well, I guess this means I'm needed in Aydindril.

Cara: Wtf? Too far!

Kahlan: I know... bye!

Richard: Noooo! I'll go wiff you!

Zedd: Sorry, but this amulet can only transport a Wizard and a Confessor. Bye! (_Uses amulet to make him and Kahlan disappear except..._)

Richard: Kahlan? I thought you were leaving meh!

Kahlan: Wha? Nooo!

Cara: Where's Zedd?

_In Aydindril, Zedd and Kahlan appear. Wait, whut?_

Zedd: Aww... The amulet broke in the process.

Kahlan: Oh well. I be home now!

_Back to Richard and friends..._

Kahlan: Wouldn't Zedd come back for meh?

Richard: What if he can't! Half of the amulet is left behind here.

Kahlan: Well, I need a horsey then, so that way I can go there and save Zedd.

Richard: Okay! Me and Cara will go with you then.

Kahlan: Okay!

Richard: I don't care wha- Wait, did you just say "okay?"

_Back in Aydindril..._

Man From Earlier: Oh good, we needed you...

Kahlan: Wtf is going on?

Man: Prince Fyren threw all D'Harans out of Kelton and Aydindril when Rahl went down. The council members were all jailed. And now he calls himself the High Lord Regient thing. He makes examples out of people who don't follow his rules.

Kahlan: Okay! Where is this sick bastard?

_So the man takes Kahlan to the sick bastard..._

Kahlan: GET OUT OF MY MOTHER FUCKING CHAIR! (_confesses the Lord Regient thing. __**+1 C**_)

Regient: Mistress! Command me!

Kahlan: Tell your men to surrender to me.

Regient: Surrender!

Men: (_Surrenders_)

Kahlan: Thank you. Now I am the Mother Confessor and you will all listen to me- or else! Now someone get their ass in the kitchen and make me a sammich!

_Back to Richard, Cara, and Kahlan 2._

Kahlan 2: This is so awesome... I get to be traveling with a sexy beast.

Cara: Why yes... I am a sexy beast, aren't I?

Kahlan 2: I meant Richard...

_Screams are heard in the distance...An authoritarian person thing is punishing a ginger boy and his girlfriend._

Authoritarian Thing: Pay the fine or die, GINGER!

Ginger: What for? For kissing my girlfriend?

Authoritarian: Psh, no... For being ginger!

Richard: I do not approve of this behavior, thus, I interfere- LEAVE THEM ALONE!

Authoritarian: STFU!

Richard: Don't use acronyms I don't understand! (_Bitch smacks Authoritarian_) Run away and be free, ginger kid!

_The authoritarian and his men draw their swords as Richard draws his. Epic sword fight ensues. (**+1 ESF**) Four die. (**+4 DT**) Kahlan tries confessing the authoritarian but... She can't!_

Authoritarian: Bitch, I'm gonna fine you for impersonating a confessor!

Richard: Nooo! (_Kills Authoritarian. __**+1 DT**_) Wtf Kahlan?

Kahlan: Idk! My power is gone!

Richard: Yay! Now we can get down and dirty without worrying about-

Kahlan: Noez! My power! I'm no longer a confessor! This has never happened to any confessor- ever! What's wrong wiff meh?

Richard: I just now realized... You're wearing eyeshadow! Were you born with it, or is it Maybelline?

Kahlan: Richard! We need to get to Aydindril before Zedd dies!

Cara: I just stole some horses for us to use from the people we slaughtered.

Richard: Awesome.

_So off they go to Aydindril._

_In Aydindril..._

Kahlan 1: Okay, Shawn, your beheading is overturned.

Shawn: Hooray!

Zedd: And I shall replace your chopped-off hand!

Kahlan 1: Whut? No! That was chopped off because he stole.

Shawn: But... My family!

Kahlan 1: But... That other family!

Zedd: lolwhut?

Kahlan 1: The Code of Aydindril says that if one steals, their hand gets chopped off. He stole so...

Shawn: I understand...

_Later on, Kahlan 1 is doing paperwork. _

_Enter Zedd._

Kahlan 1: Hello Zedd.

Zedd: Why didn't you let me restore that man's hand?

Kahlan 1: Zomg Zedd! He's a theif! The Code says-

Zedd: BAAAA! No one follows those codes!

Kahlan 1: Which is why we are one step away from Anarchy!

Zedd: Anarchy?

Kahlan 1: Go make me a sammich.

_Meanwhile, Richard, Cara and Kahlan 2 are slumbering. Kahlan 2 wakes up and stares at Richard's sleeping form._

Kahlan 2: Richard! Wake up.

Richard: Whut?

Kahlan 2: Let's take a walk!

Richard: … Okay!

_They walk..._

Kahlan 2: So, I don't know if my powers will ever come back but if they do... I think we should take advantage of this opportunity and make little Seeker babies!

Richard: FINALLY!

_And they proceed to do the naughty._

_Meanwhile, Kahlan 1 is continuing her paperwork..._

_Enter Lord Regient._

Lord: Hai mistress!

Kahlan 1: I hate you and everything you have done! However, you come from a noble background and have shown excellent leadership skills... The perfect qualifications for a mate!

Lord: Huh?

Kahlan 1: You and I are going to do the naughty.

Lord: SCORE!

_And now we are subjected to two scenes involving Kahlan getting dirty. Kiddies still living at home pray that their parental unit does not walk in on them..._

_The next morning..._

Richard: Well that was fun and all, but we should get going.

Kahlan 2: But... That was awesome! I want to get married to you and try making little Seeker babies with you every night! We could live in a nice little cottage, with a three-horse garage, and get a dog, and have eight children!

Richard: Eight?

Kahlan 2: I don't wanna go!

Richard: We must go. (_Leaves to talk to Cara._)

Richard: So, Cara, I think-

_Enter Kahlan 2._

Kahlan 2: Wtf? Get away from my man, BETCH!

Cara: Whut?

Kahlan 2: Richard! Please don't choose dis ho over me! Please! She killed my sister!

Cara: Whut? Ew! I don't want Richard. You can have him!

Kahlan 2: Why? Is he not good enough for you?

Richard: Kahlan, she's not-

Kahlan 2: Richard! Why? Why do you like her? Why do you lust after her? Why do you want to make little mord sith babies with her? WHY?

Richard: I don't like-

Kahlan 2: You know what? Fine! Be together. If it makes you happy... I'll just leave!

Cara: Sheesh. Someone's on the rag...

_So Kahlan 2 leaves and Richard runs after her._

Richard: Kahlan! What is your problem?

Kahlan 2: I don't know! I don't know why I was so mean to Cara... I'm such a horrible person... WHY DOES NO ONE LOVE MEH?

Richard: I love you...

Kahlan 2: Then why do you want to go get my powers back?

Richard: Whut? They're a part of you. I love your powers...

Kahlan 2: So you only love me for my magic? I see how it is!

Richard: I love you and only you...

Kahlan 2: Then let's ditch the quest and be together! Prophecy says that as long as I'm alive, the Keeper will lose! We can give the sword to Cara and she can give it to Zedd and he can name a new Seeker and we can go into hiding and start a secret business selling Steampunk jewelry!

Richard: Steampunk doesn't exist yet...

Kahlan 2: Why do you mock me and my happiness?

Richard: Okay, uhh... If we're going to get married, we should totally have Zedd be the priest! So, uh, let's go to Aydindril to get married!

Kahlan 2: YAY!

_In Aydindril..._

Zedd: Hai Kahlan! I heard some crazy rumors down at the bar. Something about you taking in the Regient thing as your mate? Funny stuff, eh?

Kahlan 1: No, it's true.

Zedd: lolwhut? I thought you loved Richard too much to take in any mates...

Kahlan 1: Confessors don't have love, they have duty.

Zedd: loldoodie...

_Enter man and the council._

Man: Here is the council!

Council: Hai Mother Confessor Kahlan!

Kahlan 1: Hai council members! Because you helped bring terror across the midlands, you're all fired! Kthxbai!

_Exit council._

Zedd: Wtf? Kahlan! Something is wrong with you!

Kahlan 1: RESPECT MY AUTHORITAY!

_Later on, Zedd talks with Man 2..._

Zedd: Something happened to Kahlan when that amulet broke and we need to do something to put her back to normal.

Man 2: But... That's wrong!

Zedd: So?

Man 2: (_Uses magic to freeze Zedd. Guards come to take Zedd away_)

Zedd: Wtf?

Man 2: Kahlan confessed me yesterday... Bai! (**+1 C**)

_Meanwhile, the gang arrives in Aydindril._

_Meanwhile, Kahlan 1 is giving a speech to everyone about Zedd's fate._

Kahlan 1: This bitch be committing treason to me. For that- he shall die!

_Enter Richard, Cara, and Kahlan 2._

Kahlan 2: Holy guacamole! I have a clone!

Richard: Wow, this isn't good...

_Later on, in the castle, Kahlan 1 is being Kahlan 1ish..._

_Enter Richard._

Richard: Hai Kahlan! I hear you plan to kill my Gwampa! How's that working for you?

Kahlan 1: Sorry, but he committed a crime and must be punished. Now go run along and play quest. I'm busy.

Richard: But... I wanna see Zedd before he dies!

Kahlan 1: Okay! Guards, escort him!

_In the dungeon..._

Zedd: Interesting... So the amulet must have torn Kahlan's heart in two, since one of her wanted to stay and the other wanted to go. So one stayed with you, and the other came with me.

Richard: That's some crazy stuff. Now how to we put them back together? Kahlan 2 is talking about eight kids... EIGHT KIDS!

Zedd: I could try repairing the amulet, but I kind of can't use my hands right now.

Richard: Hurr... I shall try to talk to Kahlan 1!

_Richard goes to talk with Kahlan 1._

Richard: So... I'm thinking you shouldn't kill Zedd because he is awesome and has performed major accomplishments in the past thousand years.

Kahlan 1: Yeah, but he still committed treason.

Richard: YOU'RE NOT THE REAL MOTHER CONFESSOR!

Kahlan 1: Pardon?

_Enter Kahlan 2._

Kahlan 2: CLONE!

Kahlan 1: Whut? No! You're the clone!

Kahlan 2: No, you are!

Kahlan 1: I'm Kahlan 1! Therefore, you're the clone, dip thong.

Kahlan 2: I know you are but what am I?

Richard: You're both clones! When Zedd used the amulet, you were both torn in two. One of you is full of duty and the other is full of compassion and has no powers. Now, Kahlan 1, if you release Zedd, he can fix this.

Kahlan 1: Or maybe you and Kahlan 2 can get together and get married and have those little Seeker babies you were always talking about. That whole "Seeker babies" thing was getting old anyway...

Richard: Whut? You expect me to get married to this emotional train wreck? She wants EIGHT kids! And to start a Steampunk Jewelry business. I mean, seriously... What is that?

Kahlan 2: WHYYY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH? Just admit it! You love Cara more than me!

Kahlan 1: Yep, she's perfect for you, Richard.

Kahlan 2: Oh yeah? Well... I don't want you back in me anyways!

Cara: Oooooohhhhh BURN!

Kahlan 2: I LOVE YOU RICHARD! And if you love Cara more, well... I hope you'll have a threesome with me some time.

Kahlan 1: Kahlan 2! This is local television! You can't talk like that on local television! I'm afraid I'm going to have to fine you for this...

Richard: You see how crazy this is getting?

Kahlan 1: Go back to your quest.

Richard: Not until you release Zedd!

Kahlan 1: Bitch, I will have you arrested for defying me.

Man 2: (_Uses magic on Richard_)

Cara: (_Blocks magic_)

_And an epic sword fight ensues. _**_+1 ESF, +5 DT_**_._

Kahlan 2: Noooo! Richard!

Kahlan 1: Get outta my way, betch! (_Confesses Kahlan 2. __**+1 C**_) Now, help me fight Richard...

Kahlan 2: Otays!

Cara: Nooo! (_Uses agiel on Kahlan 1_)

Kahlan 2: Nooo!

Cara: Attack Richard and Kahlan 1 dies!

Kahlan 1: You wouldn't kill me...

Richard: Kill her, Cara!

Kahlan 1: Okay! Everyone drop their weapons!

Everyone: (_drops weapon_s)

Richard: Now release Zedd!

Kahlan 1: Okay... But I think I might be preggers...

Kahlan 2: Zomg Mistress! I might be preggers too! We haff sumfink in common!1!1!

_So Zedd is released and he checks to see if either Kahlan is pregnant._

Zedd: Nope! No babies.

Kahlan 1: But... I did it every night with The Regient! And morning. And sometimes afternoon...

Kahlan 2: NOOOO! I wanted to have eight little Seeker babies!

Zedd: Oh for the love of... REPARO!

_So the amulet is repaired and Kahlan 1 and 2 combine to form the ultimate Kahlan._

Ultimate Kahlan: Whoa! What the hell happened? Where am I? Okay, I am never smoking that stuff again...

* * *

_Before we get to the Tally, there are a couple things that I forgot to add to this parody that has been brought to my attention during my very long haitus..._

_**+2 ZTH** (I forgot the screeling's death and Richard having the mark burned on him...) and **+1 AI** for Leo. (How could I have missed that one?) Thank you readers for pointing out my mistakes. I think I had caught a mistake of my own that I wanted to add in here, but last time I looked at this story was in July, so there's no way in hell I'd remember what it was..._

Tally

Add-In: +4 = 24

Book Rape: +0 = 15

Confessed: +3 = 17

Death Toll: +13 = 147

Epic Sword Fight: +2 = 13

Zomg That Happened!: +2 = 11

And hopefully my next update won't take two months...


	13. Hunger

_Sorry it took me so long to update. You see, there's this boy- I mean, uh, college has been keeping me quite busy. Yeah. College... Anyways, on we go!_

_In a small village..._

_Enter... Theddicus? Zedd's imaginary brother from last season? Interesting. He's pulling out a heavy box from the back of a wagon and he walks into a shop run by... Sebastian? That mapmaker from last season? Interesting._

Sebastian: Ohaidere! Do you want a map to Candy Mountain?

Thedd: lolwhut? Charlie the Unicorn references are older than me, dude. Anyways, I be here to sell you stuff.

Sebastian: Meh, I don't want your stuff.

Thedd: Bitch, I be related to Zeddicus Z'ul Zorander!

_Meanwhile, Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander and his Mord Sith, Confessor, and Seeker friends are continuing their quest when a rabid fangirl rushes over to Richard and starts crying. **+1 AI**_

Fangirl: omg seeker1!1!1! I lyke 3 u soooooo much!1! it mayks me shreek & cry soooo haerd!1234567890!

Richard: Yay fangirl!

Fangirl: but I lyke totes needz ur help!1eleventysix!1!

Cara: With what? You're grammar?

Fangirl: Hypocrite! You used the wrong form of "your!"

Cara: OMG! STFU n00b!

Richard: What's your problem, fanygirl?

Fangirl: Soljas b raiding r village and kidnapping ppls! And our Constable is 2 busy dealing wiff banelings!1!

Richard: Well, I know we have to find the Stone of Tears and save the entire world from the Keeper and all, but how can I not help a fangirl in need?

Fangirl: YAYZ!111!69!1

_Meanwhile..._

Sebastian: (_checking Thedd's items_) This sucks, this sucks, this sucks, oh look! This sucks...

Thedd: Dammit.

Sebastian: Oh, is this Shadow Water? (**+1 AI**) Hmm... I'd buy this for a quarter...

Thedd: Betch, I know it's worth more than that! And I have about fifty jars of that at home.

Sebastian: Awesomesauce! I'll give you eight hundred...

Thedd: Betch, you'll be charging customers a lot more than that!

Sebastian: Sixteen hundred?

Thedd: Lets be partners and sell it together!

_Meanwhile..._

Fangirl: So da guyz in dat wagon were da guyz who kidnapp ppl.

Richard: Okay. OI SOLDIER BOYS! I do not approve of your behavior so I interfere!

_Epic sword fight ensues. **+1 ESF**. Kahlan confesses one man. **+1 C**. A few die. **+3 DT**. The wagon driver and most of the men flee the battle scene and Cara runs after the driver. Then, an assassin shoots an arrow at Kahlan's leg and runs off._

Richard: Zomg! Kahlan!

_Meanwhile, Cara tracks down that driver, kicks his ass, and demands answers._

Cara: Where's the captives?

Driver: Another driver has them and is taking them to a farm in Gurdoon (**+1 AI**) but they'll be dead before anyone can find them.

_And then Cara kills him, and then dies from a wound he had given her when she was kicking his ass. **+2 DT**_

_In the Underworld..._

Cara: Well shit.

Darken Rahl: Aren't I just so pretty? Man, it feels like it's been ages since the writer of this parody has mentioned my name and sexiness. Now SWOON, bitch!

Cara: No, I'm gonna take the deal.

Darken: lolwhut? I don't trust you after taking the Seekers side and causing the end of my beautiful, sexy life of hawtness. My fangirls are still pining. I smell trouble...

Cara: Silly Darken, I can't play tricks on the Keeper...

Darken: Alrighty then... Here are the rules: You must kill at least one living person a day. Animals and Banelings don't count. And no more giving CPR.

Cara: Yeah yeah, just get on with it already!

_In the living world, Cara rises again._

Cara: So... Does this mean we subtract one from the Death Toll or do we just wait until Richard finds a way to get rid of my banelingness? Meh, whatever.

_Cara returns to Richard, Kahlan, Fangirl, and Zedd. Zedd is burning dead bodies._

Richard: Zomg Cara! Your neck! It's bleeding!

Cara: Oh... uh... It's fake blood. For this costume party I'm going to. Yeah...

Richard: Oh yay I love costume parties! We should all go together as the cast of Scooby Doo!

Kahlan: I call Daphne!

Richard: Then I get to be Freddie!

Zedd: So I'm Shaggy...

Fangirl: zomg I totes gonna be Velma!one!

Richard: And Cara can be Scooby!

Cara: Wtf? Oh hell no! I am not going to be some cowardly talking dog with a speech impediment! Besides, I found out where the kidnapped people are. They're in Gurdoon in some farm house. Lets go save them and junk.

Richard: Yay saving people!

Cara: And what about this here confessed person?

Kahlan: Oh, he's fine. He was only paid to load people up in the wagon. He didn't know what was going on.

Cara: Yeah, but I'm gonna kill him anyway.

Kahlan: Noez! He's going to go off and take up honest work!

Confessed Man: Yay! (_Leaves_)

Richard: Let's go to Gurdoon!

_In what I assume to be the farm house in Gurdoon, a man is tied down and murdered by a baneling. **+1 DT**. A woman baneling shows up and gives a man, who looks like Billy Mays, moneys. _

Billy Mays: IT'S $19.95, NOT $9.95!

Baneling Woman: But... You said if I came in the next ten minutes that you'd cut the price in half.

Billy Mays: Ah, very well. GIVE HER THE SMALLEST!

_So some men tie down another victim and the baneling woman prepares to kill her but then, Richard breaks down the door._

_Epic sword fight ensues. **+1 ESF**. About six banelings are killed off. Richard frees all the victims. Billy Mays had fled and Cara is freaking out because banelings are already dead and therefore cannot be added to the death toll._

Cara: Oi baneling we have missed! What up with this?

Baneling Woman: Billy Mays was selling those people to banelings.

Richard: Billy Mays? The Oxiclean guy? I LOVE HIM!

Kahlan: Zomg me too! Kaboom is the secret to my dress remaining so white and perfect! Now, go kill the baneling, Cara.

_They leave the house where the fangirl is standing outside, waiting. One of the victims exit the house as well._

Fangirl: ZOMG GAVIN! i, lyke, totes mised u sooooo much!111e34569hefwhad!

Gavin: Zomg me 2!1!1poop (_Glomps_)

Baneling Woman: You can't hide your banelingness from your friends forever! I tried but failed. It sucks.

Cara: Just go away!

Baneling Woman: But... There might be a way to get rid of the banelingness!

_Meanwhile, in the map store._

Sebastian: Here it is... The remedy for banelingness!

Questionably Attractive Baneling: (_Hands over moneys and downs a vial of elixir. His rotting skin heals up, making him fully attractive_)

Everyone around him: OMG! MAGIC! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!

_Back to Cara and her new baneling friend._

Baneling Woman: Yeah, there's this magic peddler who has been selling a remedy!

Cara: Sweet! Let's tell my friends!

Zedd: Hurr... I might know this magic peddler. We can't trust him!

Richard: But... This cure for life will cure the banelings and we will save lives!

Cara: Okay, lets go.

Baneling Woman: Too late for me though. Bye! (_Dies_)

_In the magic shop, people are clamoring for elixirs._

Thedd: We're running out!

Sebastian: Psht, no. I added a bit of water to them to triple our supply!

Thedd: You what? It might not work anymore!

Sebastian: Oh boo hoo. Just go back to selling this shit.

_Back to Richard and friends._

Cara: Zomg! Why we stop?

Zedd: It's dark... And we need sleep!

Cara: Okay. Imma go hunting now.

Kahlan: Wtf? We already got food.

Cara: Yeah, pussy food. I want me some meat, bitches!

_So Cara rushes off and finds Billy Mays._

Billy Mays: IT'S NOT CLEAN UNLESS IT'S OXICLEAN! AND IF YOU CALL IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES, I'LL DOUBLE THE SUPPLY _AND_ THROW IN A FREE STICK OF MIGHTY PUTTY! AND IT'S ALL FOR $19.95! Plus shipping and handling...

Cara: I WILL KILL YOU FOR FREE!

Billy Mays: Nooo! Now I'll be replaced with a creepy British man! I hope you're happy.

Cara: Baaaa, that Shamwow guy is better anyways. He smacked a whore! (_Kills Billy Mays. __**+1 DT**_)

_And so Cara returns to her buddies... In the morning._

Zedd: Damn, it's about time! Now lets go!

_Meanwhile, in the magic shop..._

Thedd: Well, this is it. No more elixir left to sell.

Sebastian: O rly? Well, we can just mix water with something else!

Thedd: lolwhut? That won't cure banelings!

Sebastian: So... We tell them it takes a few days to work and then we run for our lives before anyone notices.

Thedd: Isn't that... wrong?

Sebastian: Betch, I'm a peddler. Everything we do is wrong.

_Banelings break down the door._

Baneling Soldier: YOU BASTARDS TRICKED ME! (_Grabs Sebastian and throws him across the room_) I gonna kill you!

_Enter Richard._

Richard: LEAVE HIM ALOOOOONE!

_And an epic sword fight ensues. **+1 ESF**. During this distraction, Sebastian runs into the back room to grab all his money. He gets cornered by Zedd and Cara._

Zedd: Hey Sebastian. Long time no see... Now why are you selling fake cures?

Sebastian: They weren't fake... at first. But then we had to water them down.

_In the Underworld..._

Darken: You didn't kill anyone but still remained among the living... How did you do it?

Baneling Soldier: I bought this cure that only lasted a day. Called Shadow Water.

Darken: But... That secret died... With Zorander... Oh that pesky Seeker!

_In the magic shop, Zedd starts burning baneling bodies._

Zedd: Now wtf were you doing?

Thedd: Selling the Shadow Water that pops buried in the yard before he died...

Zedd: WHAT?

Thedd: I sorry...

Cara: Well, I would normally love to see an old people fight, but if I don't get Shadow Water soon, I will disintegrate into nothingness!

Zedd: Whut?

Cara: If we don't get Shadow Water soon, banelings will disintegrate the world into nothingness!

Zedd: Well, I do not know where shadow water is located... But Sebastian can make a magical map that can lead us to some!

Sebastian: Okays! But my magical map-making machine is broken...

Zedd: Well I shall fix it! REPARO!

_And so the gang makes a magical map that will lead them to some shadow water._

Kahlan: Sweet! We can probably make it there in three days!

Cara: Oh noez! I'm gonna have to kill three people!

Kahlan: Whut?

Thedd: Lemme come wiff you!

Zedd: No! You'll just use it for moneys!

Thedd: I know I've been a bad person and all, but I can change!

Cara: No, he deserves to die! Lemme kill him!

Thedd: Noooo! I wanna help! While you guys are completing the quest, I can pass out shadow water to the banelings!

Zedd: Okays!

Cara: Damn...

_So they all leave for the shadow water place. Cara sneaks off to kill some peeps._

Cara: Yay! Campsite! (**+3 DT**)

_The next morning, the gang continues on their way. That night, Cara chills alone at the campfire. Darken Rahl appears._

Darken: Ha ha you have nobody nearby to kiiiilllll- except for your pesky friiieeennnds! HA HA!

Cara: Grumble grumble...

Darken: But if you tell me where the shadow water is, you'll never have to kill anybody ever again!

Cara: Naw, I'm good.

Darken: Very well. But your time is running out. I think you should kill Theddicus. He's a worthless little shit...

_And then Cara suddenly wakes up. Guess that was just a dream. She decides to kill Theddicus anyways._

Cara: Psst... Thedd... Make yourself useful and help me get some firewood.

Thedd: But... It's dark!

Cara: But... you're a worthless little shit.

Thedd: Fair enough.

_So they go into the woods. While Thedd has his back turned, Cara prepares to kill him, but cannot bring herself to do it. Thedd turns around and sees her rotting flesh and freaks out. Everyone comes running and Cara's dark secret is revealed!_

Richard: Holy crap cats! How'd this happen?

Cara: I stripped naked in the moonlight and skipped around a maple tree while singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow!" How do you think I became one?

Kahlan: But why? Why did you accept Darken Rahl's offering?

Cara: To protect Richard. And to tell you all where the kidnappers took those captives!

Richard: Well, let's go get some shadow water!

Cara: Yeah, we won't make it in time. I shall die now!

Everyone: Noez!

Thedd: Thank you for not killing meh! (_Grabs Cara's hand that is holding the knife, then plunges it into himself. __**+1 DT**_)

Everyone: Noez!

Cara: Well, I guess that worthless little shit did one useful deed now.

Richard: Maybe if we get to the shadow water in time, Cara can drink it and get her CPR powers back to save Thedd.

Everyone: Yay!

_In the Underworld..._

Thedd: Oh great and sexy Darken Rahl! Make me a baneling.

Darken: Yeah, so you can go back and drink shadow water? I don't think so, you worthless little shit.

Thedd: lolwhut?

Darken: Tell me where the shadow water is! (_Tortures Thedd with fire_)

Thedd: Okay! I'll tell you!

Darken: Sweet.

_Meanwhile, Richard and Cara find the shadow water place, only to find the supply diminishing into a crack to the Underworld. Cara tries to get some for herself before it all goes away. She succeeds, and runs back to Kahlan, Zedd, and Thedd. She gives Thedd the breath of life and all is well again!_

Thedd: Whut happened?

Zedd: Cara saved you!

Thedd: Noez! I'm a worthless little shit who told Darkenbutt where the shadow water was!

Zedd: Aw, Thedd! You might be a worthless little shit but you are my worthless little shit!

Everyone: Aaawwwww!

Zedd: Now go home.

* * *

Tally

Add-In: +3 = 27

Book Rape: +0 = 15

Confessed: +1 = 18

Death Toll: +11 = 158

Epic Sword Fight: +3 = 16

Zomg That happened!: +0 = 11


	14. Princess

_In a forest, the Sisters of The Dark have gathered together. They have a hot blond Sister of the Dark lying down. They stab her with a knife and start chanting latin as the woman's soul is released from her body. A mord sith then revives her. She awakes._

Sister: Hai Sister Nicci!

Sister Nicci: Wow! You made me a hot blond chick like in the Sword of Truth books! Now all is right with the series...

Sister: Yes. And that pesky Mother Confessor is still alive and only you have the power to kill her.

Nicci: Yay murder!

_Meanwhile, Kahlan and friends are sitting around a campfire._

Cara: Gosh! I can't believe us women are sitting here chopping firewood while you men are sitting around making food!

Zedd: To each according to ability, to each according to need! You of all people should know that one.

_A wild gar appears! Go... KAHLAN! The wild gar uses snatch. It's super effective! KAHLAN was snatched by the wild gar._

Richard: Noez! Kahlan! Do you know how long it took me to catch that Kahlan?

_So Richard, Zedd, and Cara all hop on their horses and follow the gar as best they can. They fail._

Zedd: Well, shit. Only trained gars don't eat their prey immediately, and the only trained gars around here are owned by some Margrave in Rothenburg. (**+2 AI **One for Margrave, one for Rothenburg.)

Cara: But... by the time we get there, Kahlan could be dead!

Zedd: Or maybe not. They might want to keep her alive. The only thing that sucks is that Rothenburg has protective barriers that prevent anyone from using magic. So I'll be useless and Cara will have to rely on punching and kicking.

Richard: We shall try!

_Meanwhile, in the castle in Rothenburg..._

Soldier thingy: We bring you Mother Confessor, Kahlan Amnell!

Margrave thingy: Sweet! Now take her to the dungeon.

Kahlan: Ah hellz no! (_Breaks free and starts fighting off soldiers. She fails_.) It's okay! Richard will still find me. He luuuurrrvvveesss me...

_Nevertheless, Kahlan is thrown into a dungeon._

Kahlan: Noez!

Cellmate: Yay company!

Kahlan: I shall find a way out!

Cellmate: Good luck with that! I'm his wife. He locked me in here...

Kahlan: Ah, so you two are into that, eh?

Cellmate: No. Just him. I'm not into this sort of behavior at all. That's why he's going to kill me. I don't give him the pleasure he desires. So he's gonna kill me and marry another chick who totally digs the whole "pleasure dungeon" roleplay fetish thingy...

Kahlan: That's terrible! I am the Mother Confessor and I say that what he is doing is unjust. Chaining women up in pleasure dungeons is totally degrading to women everywhere! Chaining up men, however... Das hawt.

_Back in a forest, the Sisters of the Dark are performing some more dark magic. Darken Rahl appears in the flames._

Darken: Oh Nicci... I thought you loved the Keeper! Yet here you are... Alive and blond. You just need the black dress and you'll look just like book Nicci!

Nicci: I had nothing to do with this. My Sisters brought me back. They want me to capture the Mother Confessor because I am awesome like that. So I have convinced the Margrave of Rothenburg to send gars after her. And now she is in their dungeon and the Seeker and his sidekicks will be unable to rescue her because magic cannot be used there.

Darken: Wow Nicci. You sure are a clever girl.

Nicci: Yes. Now we just want the Keeper to give us eternal life in exchange for the Mother Confessor.

Darken: Okay. I'll ask him now. (_Leaves._)

_Outside the castle..._

Zedd: So I hear that the Margrave struck a deal with the Sisters of the Dark.

Richard: Well shit... How are we gonna get in there?

Zedd: Well, I hear the Margrave is looking for a new bride. I hear he's interested in the Countess of Dunstable. Also the Princess of Thrice. (**+2 AI**)

Richard: Well gossiping is fun and all, but-

Zedd: Noez! This is not gossip! The Margrave knows the Countess but has never met the Princess. So... We're gonna ambush the Princess of Thrice and friends and go to the palace in their disguise!

Richard: Yay! I can give Cara a makeover!

Cara: What? NO! I am not going to play Princess with you two dingbats!

_But the gang tracks down the Princess and her friends. Zedd freezes them. _

Zedd: Okay. Cara, you get to look like this pretty princess. Richard, you get to look like this pretty Prince. And I, I get to look like this pretty Aunt.

Richard: Well, seeing you dress up as a woman would make my day, but we can't use magic.

Zedd: Magic? Who says we need magic to disguise ourselves?

_So they hide the bodies, take the clothes, dye Richard's hair blond, and try to teach Cara how to be a Princess._

Zedd: Now Cara, NEVER look a man in the eye and ALWAYS agree with what the men say. And whenever a lady is in the presence of the Margrave, she must always speak in Haiku poetry.

Cara: Wtf?

Zedd: You must speak your first line in five syllables, your second line in seven syllables, and your last line in five syllables.

Cara:

You are so stupid.

Speaking in Haiku is lame.

I will not do it.

Zedd: See! You'll do great. So, what will you say when the Margrave asks, "How's the weather?"

Cara:

I hate this weather.

It is bright and sunny out.

My flesh is burning.

Zedd: Meh... Good enough.

_So they enter the castle and see the Margrave and his council. After being introduced, the opposing team arrives._

Margrave: Welcome, pretty ladies! Countess, is your father any better?

Countess:

My father is dead.

But that is okay with me.

For I will have you.

Margrave: Oooo... Nice. And you, Princess... You are quite stunning yourself. How was your journey?

Cara:

My journey.

It was very nice.

I thank you.

Margrave: (_gasp_) You used the 3-5-3 instead of the standard 5-7-5. You REBEL!

Zedd:

I apologize.

She is just a bit tired.

Rest she requires.

Margrave: Well that better be the case...

_Meanwhile, in the dungeon, Kahlan watches guards putting food out on a table._

Kahlan: Okay... There's five of them. Now we need to get them to come in here so we can lock them up and run free.

Cellmate: lolwhut? Just eat your food.

_Meanwhile, Zedd tries to teach Cara how to dance._

Cara: This is SO stupid!

Richard: Why am I here?

Zedd: Because you'll get us caught if you go nosing about without the Margrave's permission!

_Enter the Margrave's sidekick._

Sidekick: The Margrave wants you all to come down.

_Downstairs._

Richard: Nice place you got here. You know what I've always dreamed of? Exploring the place!

Margrave: Very well. Sidekick, go give him a tour!

_On the tour..._

Sidekick: Now you notice the detail on this archway? It's very medieval. Oh and by the way, how do I get under your Aunt's skirts?

Richard: Uhhh... Well... I'll tell you if you let me look at your dungeons! I want some ideas of my own...

Sidekick: Okay!

_So he takes Richard down to the dungeons._

Sidekick: Now you notice the detail on this archway? It's very-

Richard: I'm actually not interested in architecture. I hear the Mother Confessor is housed down here and I've been wanting her for so long... And her power doesn't work here. So if you let me in past those gates, I will guarantee you my Aunt!

Sidekick: Well... I would but the Margrave has the only key to the gates... We should probably get back anyway.

_Back in the throne room..._

Countess:

The gardens were nice.

But not as nice as your eyes.

Which sparkle like dew.

Everyone: Awwwwwwww

Servant: (_Trips and falls_)

Margrave: Stupid servant! You make me look bad!

Countess:

Servants are stupid.

They are completely useless.

Why do we have them?

Cara:

My servants back home.

I always keep them in line.

They never mess up.

Margrave: How so?

Cara:

There was this one time.

When my servant misbehaved.

I chopped off his toe.

Then I threatened him.

Slaughter his whole family.

If he disobeyed.

He learned his lesson.

From then on he stayed in line.

As servants should do.

Margrave: … NICE!

Richard: Psst, Zedd... The dungeons are heavily guarded and only the Margrave has the key.

Zedd: Interesting... Have you noticed how your percentage of fangirls have risen since you dyed your hair blond and became a Prince? Maybe you can woo the Margrave's sister. She might know where the key is. She's that fat ugly chick over there.

Richard: (_sighs and leaves to woo the fat ugly chick._)

Countess:

What artwork you have.

That macaroni picture,

sucks compared to mine.

Margrave: Yeah... Why does your macaroni picture suck so much, Princess?

Aunt:

She no longer has

The talent to create art.

Since her mother died.

She took up hunting.

She is amazing at it.

No one can compete.

Margrave: Hurr... A huntress as a wife? That could be useful. What do you say, Countess? Up for a hunting competition?

Countess:

Whatever you wish.

Your eternal happiness,

Is all that matters.

Margrave: Yay hunting contest!

_Meanwhile, Richard is getting it on with the Margrave's sister._

Richard: Well, bedrooms are fun and all, but why not get down and dirty in the dungeons?

Sister: Yay bondage! But only my brother has the key, and I am a woman so I cannot carry keys... But we can create our own bondage scene! (_Ties Richard's arms to the bed post._)

_Enter Margrave._

Margrave: What is this blasphemy? Take him away, guards!

Guards: (_Take Richard away._)

Countess: Ha.

_Later..._

Margrave: This bastard shall be killed!

Sister:

No! Please don't do it.

If you really care for me.

You will spare his life.

I have never loved.

Love I have always dreamed of.

But I am too fat.

No one loves fat chicks.

It's not our fault we are fat.

We deserve love too.

He has shown me love.

No one else has even tried.

Please let him be mine.

Margrave: Alright. On my sister's behalf, we shall spare his life. But he will have to marry her!

Richard: I'd like that.

Margrave: Sweet! Now until the wedding, guards shall follow you everywhere to make sure you don't cheat on her. Now let's go hunting!

_At the hunt..._

Sidekick: Why don't you look pretty today? Hey, if your niece marries the Margrave, how about you and I get together?

Zedd: Uhhh...

Countess: (_screams_)

_A giant ox-like monster appears. Cara shoots it with an arrow, steals the Margrave's knife, slices open its belly, and starts pulling out its guts. She begins eating its liver._

Cara: Yum. Want some?

Margrave: You just broke a lot of laws, missy!

Cara: I know... I'm a naughty girl. Watcha gonna do about it, sexy?

_That night, at dinner..._

_Enter servant person thing._

Servant Person Thing: Sister Nicci and her posse are here!

Richard, Cara, and Zedd: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Nicci: I have the agreement, now where's the Mother Confessor?

Margrave: In the dungeon...

_In the dungeon..._

Guard: Ha! I hear the Sisters are here so that means you two get to die soon! (_leaves_)

Kahlan: Well, time to escape and kill off the guards!

Cellmate: Noez! I am a woman and I cannot take up arms or else I will burn in hell!

Kahlan: Zomg stfu!

_Back at dinner, the Margrave is looking over the contract Nicci brought. Cara decides to pull some moves._

Margrave: Damn girl! Watch what you're touching down there.

Cara: Sorry... I'm just so eager to please you for eternity. And if you're bored, we can start now!

Margrave: Yay action! Okay everyone- I have an important matter to attend to. (_leaves_)

Cara: And I have to pee. (_leaves_)

Nicci: Why aren't I wearing black?

_In the Margrave's bedroom..._

Cara: So sexy, where's your dungeon key? (_pulls out knife_)

Margrave: Oh shit!

_Meanwhile..._

Nicci: Okay, I'm getting kinda bored here. Go tell the Margrave I will be leaving if he does not return immediately!

Sidekick: Otays!

Zedd: Noez!

Sidekick: Except that he does not wish to be bothered.

Nicci: Who is that woman?

Zedd: Me? I'm just a harmless old lady who is _not_ a wizard infiltrating this castle to rescue the Mother Confessor.

Nicci: Oh, okay then. Anyways-

Richard: AHAHAHAHAHA... It's funny because she actually _is_ a wizard infiltrating this castle to rescue the Mother Confessor!

Nicci: What the? SEEKER! (_chucks ninja star but Richard dodges it. All hell breaks lose. __**+7 DT**_)

_Back in the bedroom..._

Cara: Tell me where the key is or I'll kill you!

Margrave: Alright! It's hidden... in my pants!

Cara: Awesome. (_reaches inside Margrave's pants_) Wait... there's no key here!

Margrave: Ha ha, I was just kidding. It's actually in my vest.

_In the dungeon._

Cellmate: Ack! The Mother Confessor is dying! She slit her own throat!

Guard: What? (_Enters cell to check Kahlan. She attacks him and starts killing off the guards. __**+5 DT**__.) _

_Meanwhile, Cara attempts to unlock the gate but is rudely interrupted by the Margrave's sidekick and the Sisters of the Dark. As they battle, Kahlan joins in. **+5 DT**. Once they're all fought off, Richard and Zedd come in._

Richard: Well Nicci... Good luck trying to kill us now- your magic doesn't work here!

Nicci: But it does out there! (_Jumps out the castle window_)

Kahlan: Damn... Woman's got guts!

_And so the Margrave's ex-wife leaves, the Countess finds out that the Margrave is an asshole and leaves, and nobody knows where the real Princess of Thrice is. Thus the Margrave spends the rest of his life with no one to love._

_And Richard and his friends go back to their little quest._

_

* * *

_

Tally (Not much to add this time)

Add-In: +4 = 31

Book Rape: +0 = 15

Confessed: +0 = 18

Death Toll: +17 = 175 (I needed to use a calculator to find that out!)

Epic Sword Fight: +0 = 16

Zomg That happened!: +0 = 11


	15. Bound

_Deep in a dark forest, the Sisters of the Dark have come together to discuss Nicci's failure to dispose of Kahlan._

Sister: So twice Nicci has failed us... I bet if we steal her han, he could totally kill that bitch!

Sister 2: Which bitch? The Mother Confessor or Nicci?

Sister: Meehh... Both.

Sisters: Hooray!

_Meanwhile, the now-blond Nicci is praying to the Keeper._

Nicci: Forgive me Keeper for I hath failed!

_Suddenly a group of the Sisters of the Dark leap out from the trees and chuck ninja stars at Nicci. However, Nicci uses a blocking shield to keep them away from her._

Nicci: Bitches! You think you can overpower meh?

Sister: … Yes.

Nicci: Dammit! (_Teleports to a cave._) Ah, this is better. (_Lights a fire. Darken Rahl appears._)

Darken: Hai Nicci! You're looking rather blond nowadays...

Nicci: The Keeper! Does he still wuvs me even though I failed him?

Darken: Hahahahaha... of course not! He hates you and wishes you to die a horrible and painful death.

_And then Nicci fell to her knees and cried emo tears of doom._

Darken: But I'm sure if you bring him the Stone of Tears, he'll forgive you.

Nicci: But... I can't make Captain Jack Sparrow's compass work!

Darken: Ah, but you can control the Seeker...

Nicci: I can?

Darken: Yes... Just like this show can take a random Sword of Truth book and base one episode entirely on said book!

Nicci: But... This TV show hasn't done that yet.

Darken: Really? Well, we should change that. I hear Faith of The Fallen is a fan-favorite... And you're in it! Perfect! How about you steal a major plot point from Faith of The Fallen and leave out EVERYTHING that people love about it! That'll get the book fans riled up. And the Keeper likes it when the book fans get all riled up...

Nicci: Okay!

_Meanwhile, Richard and friends are sleeping. A raven appears and steals a piece of hair from Kahlan's hairbrush. Why Kahlan has her hairbrush out, I do not know. Why no one is up keeping watch, I do not know. But that's Legend of the Seeker for ya! Anyways, the raven flies back over to Nicci and gives her the hair._

Nicci: Thanks, Mr. Raven. Now I shall use this to make this super awesome potion that will help me rape a super awesome book!

Mr. Raven: Did book Nicci even make a potion to use the spell you are about to use?

Nicci: Holy crap! Talking bird!

_In the morning..._

Kahlan: I feel like butt!

Richard: Well, I have some ass for you right here...

Kahlan: No! I mean, I feel sick...

Richard: ZOMFG NOOOOOOO! My poor, precious Kahlan has fallen ill! What do we do?

_Enter Cara, with Nicci._

Cara: Hey look what I found!

Richard: Eww! It's Nicci wearing red! She should be wearing black.

Nicci: … Your face is ugly.

Cara: (_Pokes Nicci with agiel. Kahlan feels the same pain Nicci feels._)

Zedd: Whoa! It's like Nicci used the Maternity Spell on Kahlan except she can't have done it, because she would have had to use magic on Kahlan to start it.

Nicci: I used a potion...

Zedd: WHAT! You don't use a potion to cast a Maternity Spell!

Nicci: You do when you're raping a fan-favorite book! (**+1 BR**)

Richard: Wtf is a Fraternity Spell?

Zedd: MAternity Spell. Basically, any pain inflicted on Nicci is felt by Kahlan. But that spell is so powerful that Nicci won't be able to use any magic. (**+1 ZTH!**)

Nicci: Yes. But I will kill myself if you do not do what I say. And if I die, Kahlan will die.

Richard: What do you want me to do?

Nicci: Do fifty jumping jacks while singing "I'm a little tea cup."

Richard: What? That doesn't even make sense.

Nicci: Do it!

Richard: Okay... (_does jumping jacks_) I'm a little teacup short and stout, here is my handle here is my spout... Here is my spout... Here is my spout... What line comes after "here is my spout"?

Nicci: Nevermind. Just lead me to the Stone of Tears!

Richard: Otays!

(_Exit Nicci and Richard._)

Cara: Well, this sucks.

Zedd: There might be a way to undo the spell... But I'll need to bring Kahlan's mommy back from the Underworld in which I will need a treasured object of said mommy.

Kahlan: My father's the only person who might have something of hers, and he lives in Gramolia! (**+1 AI**)

Cara: Wait... I thought he was a King who died when your mother died?

Kahlan: Yes, we already established that last season.

Cara: But there wasn't a counter last season...

Kahlan: … True. (**+1 BR**)

_Meanwhile, Richard is using the compass to track down the stone._

Nicci: So, this is what you do all day? Just walk around with that compass leading you to a mysterious place?

Richard: Yep, pretty fun stuff.

Nicci: Kinda pointless, the Keeper will win. He always wins. Well actually, can I tell you a secret?

Richard: Sure.

Nicci: I'm really only in this whole "Sisters of The Dark" business because I believe that I am unworthy of being in the Creator's light. I believe that I am a pathetic, worthless, evil, sinful person who deserves all the pain I will ever recieve- times ten.

Richard: Seriously?

Nicci: Heh, no. (**+1 BR**)

_Suddenly, a ninja star appears out of nowhere. A group of dark Sisters appear._

Nicci: Noez they found meh!

Richard: I got this...

_Meanwhile, Cara, Zedd, and Kahlan are on their way to find Kahlan's father._

Cara: So... When was the last time you saw your father who is supposed to be dead but isn't?

Kahlan: Eh... About fifteen years. As we already established last season, my father is an asshole who made me and my sister confess innocent people for his own gain. He once even made us confess a pretty lady for him to have his way with.

Cara: Well... Why didn't you confess your asshole father?

Kahlan: Because me and Denee were afraid of him at the time.

_Meanwhile, Nicci and Richard are still running for their lives. The come across a vast field._

Richard: Ah, I know this field... It is full of land mines that could kill us! But I am the Seeker and have super awesome Seeker skills so if you follow my footsteps exactly, we shall make it safely across.

Nicci: Okays.

_As they carefully go through the field, the other Sisters follow. One steps on a mine and a'splodes. (**+1 DT**) The others stop and ponder their situation. They decide to chuck their ninja stars at them. One managed to slice part of Nicci's hand- which Kahlan sees and feels. Richard and Nicci end up crawling on the ground to avoid more ninja attacks. They get away safely._

Sister: I haz another idea... (_Pulls out a-_

_EWWWW, SPIDER! That evil, nasty, icky spider from earlier episodes! I don't know what that bitch is gonna use that spider for, but I do not want to see it. Yeck._

_Meanwhile, Zedd is trying to heal Kahlan's wound. Cara returns._

Cara: I found where the asshole is!

_Where is the asshole? In jail! There's a shock..._

Kahlan: Hey fuck face! Where's my mom's stuff?

Kahlan's Father: I burnt them.

Kahlan: LIES! You'd never get rid of her jewels!

Father: But I no longer have them... Some old warlock, Aramis, has them. (**+1 AI**) He's evil and threw everyone who didn't like him in jail. He has my stuff now

Kahlan: Okay, I'll just get them from him.

Father: Ah, but he doesn't know he has them! I buried everything.

Kahlan: Where?

Father: I'll tell you if you let me out...

_Meanwhile, Richard is treating Nicci's wound. It proves to be quite difficult, so he takes Nicci to a nearby farmhouse where a farmer's wife takes care of it. Outside, the farmer is destroying crops._

Richard: Why is the farmer destroying the crops?

Farmer's Wife: Snake vine has run rampant and is contaminating all crops.

Richard: Why, I can get rid of all that snake vine with my magical sword!

Wife: Really? That's great!

Richard: Yay side quest!

Nicci: No, no side quest.

Richard: Aww, come on!

Nicci: No.

Richard: Sorry, can't do it.

Wife: lolwhut?

Nicci: Thxbai!

_They leave._

Richard: Gosh! Why couldn't we have helped those people?

Nicci: Because this world is a horrible place and helping people is pointless.

Richard: But... You always help people. In fact, every time we see a hobo, you give him ALL our money. I'm supposed to get pissed off at you for giving away all our stuff. You're supposed to be giving me long lectures about how we have to help out the less-fortunate. How no one person is greater than anyone else so no one deserves to have anything that someone else does not have.

Nicci: Hahahaha, you're so funny, Richard. (**+1 BR**)

Richard: Wait... Did we count a book rape for your reasons of holding me captive with that stupid spell?

Nicci: You mean how in the book I do it because you fascinate me and here, I'm doing it to steal the Stone of Tears?

Richard: Yes!

Nicci: Nope, don't recall counting that. (**+1 BR**)

_Meanwhile, Kahlan, her father, Zedd, and Cara all arrive at a mansion place._

Father: Okay, so the jewels are buried over there so you might have to kill that guard there.

Kahlan: Naw... We can wait until nightfall and sneak in and out unnoticed.

_That night, Nicci and Richard are traveling but Nicci gets weak and falls over._

Richard: Okay, we should stop and rest.

Nicci: No, we can keep going.

Richard: It's gonna rain!

Nicci: Fine...

_So they stop at a tavern._

Richard: Okay, you go nigh-nigh while I go see if I can find someone who will sell us horseys.

Nicci: Okay.

_Richard leaves. He somehow obtains a horse and gallops off to the farmhouse he was at earlier. He opens the door to find the inside of the house covered in snake vine, and the occupants strangled in it. Richard starts hacking away at the vines with his sword._

_Meanwhile, Kahlan and her father attempt to uncover the hidden jewels._

Father: Okay, here's the spot. (_digs_) And here's all the stuff!

Kahlan: Coolbeans.

_Meanwhile, Nicci has left her bed for the bar and is approached by an ugly man. Next thing we all know, she is making out with said man and is bringing him into the bedroom._

Nicci: So... I'm into that whole S&M thing. Why don't you start by hitting me?

Ugly Man: Well, okay... (_Hits_)

_Meanwhile..._

Kahlan: OW!

Father: lolwhut?

Kahlan: OW!

Guard: (_Enters_)

Kahlan and Father: (_Shit!_)

_And more guards come. Cara and Zedd come in and help Kahlan and her father fight them off. Kahlan has a difficult time, due to Nicci egging on an ugly guy to abuse her. After the guards are all fought off (**+3 DT**), Kahlan is pinned down by an invisble being. _

_Turns out Nicci is being pinned down by that ugly man._

_Enter Richard._

Richard: What the... GTFO!

Ugly Man: She was totally asking me for it! (_Leaves_)

Nicci: And THIS is why you do not disobey me. Now, let's make Kahlan feel better! Kiss me.

Richard: You are one crazy beezy...

_Meanwhile..._

Kahlan: Well, that was crazy. But I feel better now.

_Meanwhile, Richard is helping Nicci's wounds._

Nicci: You know, I wasn't always a crazy beezy.

Richard: Of course you weren't...

Nicci: No, seriously. I used to help people out all the time. When I was a little girl, I'd go to this prison and sing hymns to this nice guy but then the nice guy forced himself on me and I was angry. But the prelate told me that the Creator had given me a great opportunity at forgiveness, so forgave him I did! I went back to the prison and he forced himself on me again. So the next day I went back and slit his throat. And that was when I became a Sister of The Dark.

Richard: … Damn.

_Meanwhile, Kahlan has her mother's things!_

_Kahlan: Yay, mother's things! But I don't remember any of this stuff..._

Father: Well, I bought her this necklace to celebrate your birth...

Kahlan: Okay! We can use this then.

_That morning- EWWWWW! That evil spider crawled into a window and I am too chickenshit to see what it is doing. But it must've bitten Nicci because Nicci is freaking out that that foul arachnid is super evil and deadly and that the only cure is a special flower that only grows near this special cave._

_Nicci: I'll die in a few hours if we don't get it soon!_

Richard: God dammit! I hate spiders. Well, the Sisters of the Dark are probably waiting to ambush us at that cave but we must save Kahlan! Which means we must save you!

_Meanwhile, Zedd is preparing the super awesome spell that will save Kahlan from being bound to Nicci._

Kahlan: I just worry that Nicci is going to kill Richard once she gets her magic back!

Cara: It's okay... Richard is super awesome and can get out of any pickle!

Kahlan: If I die, tell Richard that... (_falls over unconscious_)

Cara: Noez!

_Meanwhile, Richard arrives at the cave, carrying an unconscious Nicci. He grabs a flower and starts rubbing the juice on Nicci's spider bite. She fails too awake._

Richard: God dammit! Wake up, you crazy bitch!

Nicci: (_Wakes up_) Hai Richard!

_Enter Sisters._

_Richard: Well this sucks._

_Meanwhile, Kahlan awoke and Zedd is performing the spell. Kahlan's mother appears in spirit-form._

Kahlan: MOMMY!

Zedd: You need to touch hands!

_So they touch hands, Kahlan's mommy tells Kahlan how awesome she is, and then she disappears and the Maternity Spell is broken!_

_Meanwhile..._

Nicci: My magic is back! (_Kills the sisters. __**+3 DT**_) Well, it's been nice chillin' with you Richard, but I think I'm gonna go now because I just remembered the prophecy about you delivering the stone to an enemy of the light. Kthxbai. (_Leaves._)

_Meanwhile..._

Kahlan's Father: Well, it's been nice chillin' with you all, but I think I'm gonna go now because the producers no longer have use for me.

Kahlan: Okay! But here, you can keep the jewels.

Father: Yay jewels! But here, you can keep the necklace,

Kahlan: Yay necklace!

_And then Kahlan, Zedd, and Cara find Richard and Nicci tells Darken that she no longer serves the Keeper- she only serves herself._

_Tally_

Add-In: +2 = 33

Book Rape: +5 = 20

Confessed: +0 = 18

Death Toll: +7 = 182

Epic Sword Fight: +0 = 16

Zomg That happened!: +1 = 12


	16. Creator

_Richard, Kahlan, Zedd, and Cara come across a group of people, praying to what appears to be a giant headstone. _

Richard: Whoa! What's going on here?

Random Guy: This is the spread of the Keeper's Blight! Beware...

Cara: lolwhut?

Random Guy: See this monument? People believe that touching it can cure them of this disease!

Richard: Orly? Well, Zedd is so superly duperly awesome that he can heal all these sick people! Can't you, Zedd?

Zedd: No promises... (_Attempts to heal sick person; falls to knees crying_) Yeah, it's very powerful black magic. No can do.

Richard: Fiddlesticks!

_Enter a teenage girl who looks like this whiny, attention-whore I know. (You know, the kind who writes all those "mai lyfe is sooo horrible but I'm not gonna tell you why just pity meeeee!" statuses on Facebook. The sad thing is that she is an adult. But enough about people I know!) She goes up to a sick person and touches him. He is miraculously healed. _

Kahlan: Wtf? Who are you?

Girl: The Creator. (**+1 AI**)

Richard: Wtf? The Creator is an angsty adult that acts like a teenager who writes annoying Facebook statuses?

Girl: Wtf? I am a teenager!

Richard: Holy crap cats! A teenager created the world and everything on it?

Cara: I call shenanigans!

Kahlan: Oi "Creator." Can I talk to you?

Creator: Sure, Kahlan. It's been awhile since we last conversed. You were so super awesome and selfless because you prayed for other people instead of yourself- like your father, and your sister. I mean, all I ever hear is, "Please Creator, make Billy like me!" "Please Creator, help me win this round of Bingo!" "Please Creator, keep the jackalopes away from my crops!" "Please Creator, get rid of my constipation!" It gets boring and predictable after awhile.

Richard: Please Creator, help me find a way to get under Kahlan's dress...

Kahlan: Whut?

Richard: Nothing...

Kahlan: Anyways, why have you-

Creator: -let so much suffering happen? Not me, the Keeper did this. He has power too, you know.

Kahlan: Well, can you-

Creator: -help you find the Stone of Tears? Sorry, but that won't help you. Plus Richard Rahl will just hand it over to the Keeper. Richard's the most faithful servant of the Keeper.

Kahlan: What? NO!

Creator: He just prayed to me asking for help to get under your dress. That kind of sexual behavior is sinful and inappropriate. He's EVIL!

Kahlan: No he's not!

Creator: Yes he is!

Kahlan: No he's not!

Creator: Betch, I'm the Creator! And I say that Richard is evil and I will show you and Zedd Richard's true nature. Then, I destroy him!

Kahlan: But Richard has fangirls! Thousands of them! They'll all turn against you and hate you forever! Plus, Richard is so superly duperly awesome and would never work for the Keeper! I'll prove it!

Creator: Fine...

_So Kahlan tells her friends about this blasphemous information. _

Cara: LIES!

Kahlan: I know, right? Although I can tell from her micro-expressions that she believes she is telling the truth.

Cara: Well this is fun and all, but I think we should go back to finding the stone.

Creator: I'm afraid I cannot let that happen. Plus, I got rid of the magic of Captain Jack Sparrow's compass.

Richard: You bitch!

Creator: See! He's a bad man!

Richard: I'm in a bad mood, dammit! I've been wandering around in the wilderness for months: No decent meals. No decent place to sleep. Having to shit in the dirt and wipe my ass with pine needles. This quest has taken us nowhere. I've been trying to destroy a never-ending supply of banelings. I got Sisters of the Light and Sisters of the Dark after me. Kahlan won't put out because she's afraid of confessing me. I've been in sixteen epic sword fights so far and have had to witness over a hundred deaths. This season is more than half over and I'm still nowhere near finding the Stone of Tears! It's enough to drive anyone mad! And now, I got some teenage girl accusing me of being an agent of the Keeper and then gets rid of the magic in my compass! You are too powerful for us to even attempt to take on and if we run, we make it look like you're telling the truth! Of course I'm gonna lash my anger out on you!

Creator: If you're so "good" as you claim, prove it.

Richard: I found the boxes of Orden and destroyed Darkenbutt with them!

Creator: But what happened when Darkenbutt died?

Richard: His fangirls got really sad and upset.

Creator: Yes, and what else happened?

Richard: We all went out for pizza!

Creator: And what happened while you were eating pizza?

Richard: Zedd told me to eat my vegetables and Rachel asked me and Kahlan an awkward question about marriage.

Creator: And...

Richard: A wild screeling appeared!

Creator: And why did a screeling, a creature of the Underworld, appear here, in the world of the living?

Richard: Because killing Darken Rahl tore the veil?

Creator: Exactly! So you're the reason we're in this mess anyway!

Richard: But I didn't meeaaannn tooooooo!

Creator: And I'm sure you won't "meeaannn tooooo" give the Stone of Tears to the Keeper like the prophecy says, huh?

Richard: Prophecy can kiss my ass!

Creator: I make the prophecies. Are you saying I should kiss your ass? Because that doesn't seem like something a good person would say to the Creator.

Richard: But... but...

Creator: Remove your shirt!

Richard: Okay! (_Removes shirt, revealing the mark of the Keeper_)

Everyone: (_Gaspo!_)

Richard: Darken Rahl marked me for the Keeper because he thinks I do more evil than good, just because I made a large contribution to the Death Toll in this series.

Creator: You just admitted to being the cause of the overwhelming Death Toll!

Zedd: I say Darken Rahl did this to confuse you, Creator!

Creator: Yeah right... Darken Rahl couldn't even confuse a ginger.

_Enter woman._

Woman: MIA! I knew it was you! I knew you were to be the anti-christ!

Kahlan: Whut?

Woman: I'm the Creator's mommy!

Everyone: OH SCHNAP!

Creator: Yes. I was born in this world just like everyone else.

Kahlan: But you're still young!

Creator: But I knew that Richard was going to be trouble so I manifested myself into this young woman's body before it was born!

Cara: LIES!

Creator: TRUTHS!

Richard: The Sword of Truth?

Cara: The Sword of Lies?

Kahlan: The Sword of STFU! Creator, what's-

_Enter man._

Man: More sick people are arriving and want you to heal them.

Creator: Okie dokie. We shall resume this debate later!

Mother: I always knew my little Mia was a speshul snowflake. Why, I remember when she got mad at me for not letting her see that Jason boy so she ran off with him.

Cara: lolwhut? Isn't she a little young?

Kahlan: Where's this Jason?

Mother: Well, they lived south of Rivermore. (**+1 AI**) Now let me be with my beautiful, special Creator daughter! (_Leaves_)

Kahlan: Go find Jason, Cara.

Cara: Okay!

_Later..._

Creator: Okay Richard, the Death Toll is ridiculously high and you are a major cause of it. Why you kill so much?

Richard: I do it to protect mai friends! And only if I haff to.

Creator: What about in "Fury" where you led a group of sexy, peaceful tribesmen into a killing frenzy.

Richard: I wasn't myself then!

Zedd: And now he has learned how to control himself! Besides, those bitches deserved it...

Creator: He still killed hella people.

Zedd: He was possessed by magic!

Creator: Why didn't he stay with the Sisters of the Light? They would have been able to teach him how to not be possessed by magic!

Zedd: Because then he wouldn't have been able to complete his quest!

Richard: And they're liars!

Creator: Balderdash! They just wanted to keep you there to keep the prophecy from coming true. Plus, you gave your powers to a Sister of the Dark! They serve the Keeper. Why you give your powers to Keeper servants?

Richard: I just want to go home!

Creator: You gave your han to a Sister of the Dark. How can you sleep at night? Go away- you're making me sick.

_That night..._

Kahlan: It's okay Richard. I believe in you. I believe that you are a kind, sweet, gentle soul who would never work for the nasty, icky Keeper...

Richard: But... What if I am and I just don't know it?

_And then in the amount of time it would take me to brush my teeth, Kahlan gives Richard a speech on how she believes in him and how he will prove everyone wrong and how much she loves him. Richard, in turn, continues doubting himself. _

_Meanwhile, Cara comes across a cabin south of Rivermore. _

Cara: Jason?

_Suddenly ninja stars are chucked in Cara's direction. Sisters of the Light appear. Cara fights them off. **+2 DT**. A man then appears and Cara pins him to the wall. **+1 AI**_

Cara: Tell me all about Mia or say goodbye to your little friend in your pants...

_Meanwhile, in the Underworld..._

Darken Rahl: God I'm gorgeous... Oh look! Two Sisters of the Light! I'd offer you a chance at living again but I know you'd never accept. Run along now.

Sister 1: The Creator has returned to the land of the living, but I'm not telling you anything else about it so you'll just have to find out everything else on your own.

Darken: Wtf? Why bother telling me this in the first place? Whatever. More screen time for me! My fangirls have been missing me.

_That morning..._

Kahlan: Blah blah blah Richard is not evil blah blah blah he's awesome blah blah blah believe me blah blah blah no doubts blah blah. He saved us from a screeling! And banelings! Bleh.

Creator: So what. It was a way for him to earn your trust. Plus, there's still thousands of banelings left in the world. He can afford to sacrifice a few in turn for your trust.

_Meanwhile, Darken Rahl contacts a baneling and demands that he and all his baneling friends look for the Creator and destroy her._

_Back to the debate._

Kahlan: Well, Richard died one time and when Darken Rahl gave him an offer to become a baneling, he turned it down. What now, betch?

Creator: Richard's word is the only proof of that. Besides, how did he come back here again anyways?

Zedd: Magic! Besides, as long as the Mother Confessor is alive, the Keeper will fail. So why hasn't Richard killed her? Why has he saved her?

Creator: I hadn't announced the prophecy then!

Kahlan: He saved me after the prophecy too! When Nicci cast a maternity spell on me, Richard ran off with her to make sure I'd stay alive!

Creator: So he was with a Sister of the Dark, alone, for days, eh?

Richard: Noez! I mean, yes. But noez!

Creator: He'll kill the Mother Confessor once he has the stone!

Richard: Noez!

_Enter Cara and Jason._

Cara: SHE'S A FAKE!

Everyone: Whut?

Jason: The Sisters of the Light abducted you and made you think you were the Creator and sent you here to keep that prophecy from coming true. Creator dammit, Mia, you left me for a bunch of psychotic nuns!

Creator: How dare you use my name in vain!

Jason: God dammit, Mia, you left me for a bunch of psychotic nuns!

Creator: Better.

Kahlan: Jason, did you ever see Mia use magic?

Jason: Nope! Just the average bitch- who left me for NUNS!

Kahlan: So, how does an average bitch suddenly become the Creator?

Creator: I got old and mature enough to control the amount of power that comes with being Creator. All of The Sisters of the Light sacrificed their han unto me. They also taught me everything I needed to know about being a Creator. Especially the bit about Richard being evil.

Kahlan: OMG you're an idiot! Obviously the Sisters of the Light used you and manipulated you into believing all this garbage! And you're too dimwitted to see the truth right in front of you!

Creator: There's another evil being afoot!

Kahlan: Whut?

_Enter Baneling._

Baneling: u mad?

Richard: BAAANNNEEEELLLLIING! (_Gets out sword but the Creator beats him to it and unleashes magic powerful enough to destroy the baneling._)

Creator: See, there is nothing to fear now that I am here to destroy every evil being that walks this land...

_In the Underworld..._

Darken Rahl: Oh look, it's the baneling I sent to kill the Creator for me. Why are you not killing the Creator for me? Such laziness!

Baneling: I tried to but she killed meh! I know where she is though...

Darken: Sweet.

_So Darken Rahl tells the Keeper all about the Creator returning to the land of the living, and that she is passing judgement on the Seeker and yada yada yada. The Keeper tells Darken Rahl to open a rift. Darken Rahl fears that that will kill the Seeker. The Keeper doesn't give a flying flitterbick and demands Darken Rahl to comply. So he does._

_Back to the debate._

Kahlan: The Sisters of the Light have been trying to eliminate Richard from the start! They lock him in a palace, leave him lost in some valley, and now they send some brainwashed teenager over here, claiming to be the Creator!

Richard: You forgot the part where they forced me to wear that collar and were going to use it to control me.

Kahlan: Silly Richard... This is the TV show!

Richard: … Right.

Creator: Silence you fools! Richard Rahl is evil and must be destroyed!

Zedd: Noez! (_Uses Wizard's Fire against the Creator. Because, with all the power this Creator has demonstrated, Wizard's Fire is totally gonna destroy her. Suddenly, a rift in the ground opens up- causing everyone to scream and run around like ants being stomped on._)

Richard: Must. Save. EVERYONE. (_Pushes people out of the way._)

Creator: I can take care of this, no problem. (_Takes care of it, no problem._)

_In the Underworld..._

Keeper: You hath FAILED me!

Darken: But I'm still sexy, right?

_In the Living World..._

Creator: You... you tried saving me. How very noble of you! For trying to save me, you earned the right to live. But I used up all my han to seal that rift so I couldn't destroy Richard anyway. Goodbye. (_leaves_)

Richard: Really? That's it? That was the whole episode? An hour dedicated to some brainwashed nincompoop arguing with me over my intentions? And then I try saving her life and suddenly everything is all hunky dory? Damn. This must be one of our worst episodes yet! I want my money back!

Kahlan: But Richard... You got _paid_ for this.

Richard: Oh... Is that how it works?

* * *

_Tally_

Add-In: +3 = 36

Book Rape: +0 = 20

Confessed: +0 = 18

Death Toll: +2 = 184

Epic Sword Fight: +0 = 16


	17. Desecrate

_Nighttime. Cara and Richard are attempting to cook food over a camp fire._

Cara: This food SUCKS! I want McDonald's.

Richard: Like that's any better...

Cara: When are Kahlan and Zedd supposed to come ba-

_Enter Kahlan, out of breath._

Kahlan: Gar invasion! Zedd's trying to fight them off but is failing!

_They all run off to help Zedd. Kahlan leads them inside a dark building. Suddenly the dark building becomes light._

Room full of people: SURPRISE!

Richard: OMG! People remembered my birfday! People never acknowledge fictional character's birfdays! I must be super speshul!

Kahlan: Yes you are!

Cara: I'm just glad I can finally eat a proper meal.

Zedd: And it's all because of this dude- Duke Anders! (**+1 AI**)

Richard: Yay Duke Anders!

Anders: And you are so awesome and special that I have decided to turn your birthday into a national holiday!

People: Yay no school or work!

Anders: And this is my son, Eric.

Eric: Hai seeker! (**+1 AI**)

Richard: Yay new friends!

_And everyone starts folk dancing._

_Enter magician._** +1 AI**

Magician: Why, it is an honor to be performing magic tricks for the Seeker even though he travels with the Wizard of the First Order every day and the Wizard of the First Order must perform tricks far superior to mine! But hey, at least I'm getting paid. Now who wants to volunteer? How about that lady in the sexy red leather over there!

Cara: I'd rather gouge my eyes out with spoons.

Magician: That's the spirit!

Cara: _Sighs and goes on stage._

Magician: Sweet! Now why don't we have the Mother Confessor join us too?

Kahlan: Okay! _Goes on stage with Cara._

Magician: Now I just need you both to get into these two individual wardrobes... There you go. Now abra cadabra giggity boo. These girls will be gone into a stew!

Richard: What?

Magician: _Opens wardrobes that once contained Cara and Kahlan. They have disappeared! Who saw that coming?_

Richard: Yay! No more listening to Kahlan nagging me to change my underwear! And no more Cara complaining about my cooking!

Magician: Ah yes. But I'm sure you want your friends back.

Richard: No, not really.

Magician: But in order to do that, I need help from certain audience members! Gareth, Gracin, Henry Malcolm, and Eric! Seeker, if you ever want to see Kahlan and Cara again, you have to kill these men!

Richard: … What?

Magician: These cowards deserve to die. If you don't kill them within a day, the Mother Confessor and mord sith will die! _Vanishes and leaves a present behind._

_Meanwhile, in a tiny, barren dungeon..._

Kahlan and Cara: WTF?

Kahlan: There's absolutely no way out of here.

Cara: Hey look, a giant hourglass next to a note! "You have one day until the sand runs out and when the sand runs out, your air goes bye bye."

Kahlan: Noez!

Cara: Well this is fun.

_Back to the party. Richard opens his present to find a journey book._

Richard: Wow! My very own journey book! I always wanted one of these!

Zedd: What's the card say? Dammit boy, why don't you ever read the cards first?

Richard: Fine! It says, "For writing to your loved ones." Oh hey, I bet I use this book to write to Kahlan!

_In the dungeon_

Kahlan: Oh hey, a journey book. Oh hey, Richard sent us a message! He wants to know if we're alright.

Cara: Yeah, we're alright. Why wouldn't we be? It's not like we're trapped in some tiny room, running low on oxygen. Nope! Everything is just fine and dandy over here!

_Back to the party_

Richard: Duke Anders! Why does that magician want these men dead?

Anders: He lost five of his sons in the war and is sad about it and is taking out his resentment on these five because they never fought in the war. You see, we had a raffle and I choose names out of a hat and those people who's names I chose get the reward of fighting for our country.

Eric: I always wanted to fight but I never got chosen... I still have my raffle ticket though!

Zedd: Hey we got a message in the journey book!

Richard: "Trapped in a tomb... Get us out of here. It smells like hobo piss." That sounds gross.

Anders: There's tombs at this one place. And the magician lives at the edge of the woods.

Richard: Cool. Zedd, go see to this magician. I'll search for the tombs!

_So Richard and a bunch of men go to a place with oodles of tombs. Everyone starts searching everywhere. _

_Meanwhile, in the tomb..._

Kahlan: I gotz another message! Richard wants us to look for anything that identities this particular tomb...

Cara: Okay.

_At the cottage..._

_Enter Richard._

Richard: Any clues in here?

Zedd: Nope! Just grief. He even kept the raffle tickets those boys had.

Richard: (_looks at tickets_) Hey... These tickets are made out of card stock paper!

Zedd: So...?

Richard: I saw Eric's ticket and his was made out of poster board! His ticket felt different!

Zedd: Interesting...

In the tomb...

Kahlan: I can't find anything!

Cara: I found something!

Kahlan: omg what?

Cara: Oh wait, that's just my foot. Nevermind I found nothing!

Kahlan: Well, I guess I better tell Richard we can't find anything.

_Elsewhere, the magician is reading a journey book..._

Magician: Well, they can't find anything, huh? But Richard and his little friends don't need to know that! Mwahahahaha! (_Writes something in another open journey book. What an asshole!_)

_Back to Richard and friends..._

Zedd: Omg! They found something! A peace symbol!

Richard: So now we just got to look everywhere for a peace symbol!

_And yet they find the peace symbol. But no one can get into the tomb._

Zedd: It's spelled but I can probably get through it! Alohomora! (_Tomb opens, revealing only a coffin._)

Richard: Cool! Dead body! (_Opens coffin. It contains a mummy_.) Cool! Mummy! (_Mummy comes to life and attacks Richard._) Oh shit! (_Flees the tomb. Zedd follows._)

Zedd: It left behind a piece of cloth that contains dark magic. It's a Nigax! (**+1 AI**)

Richard: Nigax? Is that an allergy medication?

Zedd: No, a nigax is a living person who is wrapped up in bandages. Some sorcerer spells a person with dark magic as a way to seek revenge on peoples.

Richard: I bet the nigax is going to go after the peoples on that list! Let's go find them!

_Meanwhile..._

Magician: Oh hai Mr. Nigax! I haz a task for you!

Mr. Nigax: Okays!

_Meanwhile, Kahlan and Cara are trying to dig their way out of the tomb..._

Cara: Okay, this idea is stupid. We're never gonna get out of here before we lose air.

Kahlan: Dammit...

_Meanwhile..._

Richard: God dammit Duke! Because of you and your rigged raffle system, my precious Kahlan is going to diiieeee!

Anders: lolwhut?

Richard: You rigged the system! These five men had tickets made out of poster board! You were easily able to tell the difference when drawing tickets!

Eric: Whut the fuuuuck...?

Anders: I was afraid of losing yooouuuuuu!

Eric: God dammit! This is all your fault!

Anders: But... I didn't want to lose you!

Richard: Well, this argument is cool and all, but we should find a way to save everybody! We're gonna wait outside for the nigax to come and then we will try to find a way to follow it back to the magician!

One of The Five Guys (haha, Five Guys... That place is overpriced.): That plan is cool and all, except Henry thought you were gonna kill us all so he ran away and is probably gonna run straight into the nigax...

Richard: Dammit...

_Meanwhile, a man I assume to be Henry is riding a galloping horse down a path. Suddenly, the horse freaks out, bucks Henry off, and runs for its life. A nigax suddenly appears and attacks Henry with silly string._

Henry: Noooooo!

_Enter Richard with soldiers._

Richard: I'll save you! (_Stabs nigax. It falls over. Bandages fall off to reveal a man's face._)

Man: Thanks for killing me! Being dead is much better than being possessed by some creature! (_Dies. _**+1 DT**)

Richard: Whut?

_Suddenly the nigax's bandages shoot out and infest themselves onto Zedd. Oh schnap!_

Richard: Oh poopy brains.

_Suddenly Nigax Zedd starts attacking all the soldiers. He kicks all their asses (including Richard's) until just one is standing. Nigax Zedd shoots out some of his mummy bandages at the soldier and drags him away._

Nigax Zedd: Swag!

_Awhile later... Richard and soldiers regain consciousness. _

Soldier: Damn! How did that guy stay alive all these centuries?

Richard: Those bandages are magic! But we're gonna needs to find a way to get Zedd out of those bandages without him dying!

Soldier: Yay brainstorming!

Richard: Other soldiers, go tell the Duke what's happening. We're going to follow Zedd's tracks to the magician!

Soldier: Yay adventure!

_Meanwhile..._

Magician: Hello Mr. Nigax! You're doing a great job! Especially since you took over the wizard's body!And you brought me one of the cowards. Sweet! Go find the other four!

Zedd Nigax: Okay!

_Meanwhile..._

Kahlan: Kill me Cara! It will give you more oxygen which will mean more time for Richard to come save us!

Cara: Wtf? You're crazy!

Kahlan: No! You'll give me your CPR when Richard finally comes and saves us! Plus I'd die anyway if he doesn't find us in time.

Cara: But Richard would never forgive me if I did that! Even if I did bring you back. You should kill me instead.

Kahlan: Wtf? You're crazy! I can't bring you back!

Cara: So.

Kahlan: No. Kill me!

Cara: No, kill me!

Kahlan: Kill me!

Cara: Me!

Kahlan: Me, dammit!

_Meanwhile..._

Eric: OMG Dad! I can't believe you rigged the system! And made the parents of these other four pay to save them too!

Anders: We needed the moneys for the war effort!

Eric: So you couldn't have started a charity?

Gareth: OMG Eric, you're so stupid! How did you not realize all this before? Year after year of not being drafted...

_Suddenly Nigax Zedd breaks down the door, grabs Gareth with bandages, and runs off._

Eric: Damn!

_While all this is happening, Richard and the soldier had tracked down the magician._

Richard: Magician! Where are mai friends! Release them! I miss my Kahlykins!

Magician: Yeah, no.

_And so Richard gives one of his long, "inspiring" speeches that I have difficulty listening to. I should've made a tally for those. Did his speech change the magician's mind?_

Magician: Nope!

Richard: Well I suppose I'll just have to take this then! (_Snatches badge from magician. I guess it control the Nigax.)_

Magician: Too bad you don't know the incantations!

Richard: Tell me!

Magician: Meh, I don't think so. (_Stabs self. __**+1 DT**_)

Richard: Yay! Let's look through his stuff!

Soldier: Hey, isn't that the powder stuff he used to make the girls disappear?

Richard: Why I do believe you're right! But too bad Zedd's not here to tell us how to use it... Hey two journey books! Wow! This one says exactly everything we were telling Kahlan and Cara, and this one says everything Kahlan and Cara said to us! What a coinky-dink!

Soldier: I don't think that's a coinky-dink...

Richard: Hey! I bet the magician tricked us with these! That asshole! Oh look- a map!

Soldier: Of the acropolis!

Richard: This area is marked- that must be where Kahlan and Cara are. Wow! They would be so proud of me right now for figuring this all out on my own!

_Meanwhile..._

Cara: I should hate you because you're a confessor, but since we are about to die I just want you to know that... I think your sexy and I would totally do you if given the chance.

Kahlan: Hawt! But I love Richard too much.

Cara: Darn. I guess I'll have to kill myself to give Richard more time to save you!

Kahlan: NO DAMMIT!

Cara: YES DAMMIT!

_And then the two girls get into a sexy cat fight. And then they exhaust themselves to the point where they need more oxygen than what is left._

_Meanwhile..._

Anders: Okay, so we're going to surround this place with explosives and when the nigax comes through this building, we will trap it and blow it up!

Eric: But... the Wizard!

Anders: But... You'll be safe!

_And in the meantime, Kahlan and Cara's air ran out. They start dying but suddenly..._

_Enter Richard._

Richard: YAY! I found you guys! And right when you were about to die too!

Kahlan: Yay convenience!

_Meanwhile, the nigax goes inside the building. Soldiers lock him in and light the explosives._

_Enter Richard and friends._

Richard: Wtf? You're gonna kill Zedd!

Anders: But it's a nigax!

_And as always, Richard must have things his way. So he runs to the building, stops the explosives, unlocks the doors, and sends Cara in to bring Zedd to the brink of death with her agiel- and then bring him back to life. Thus the nigax will be destroyed without Zedd dying with it._

Anders: I do not approve of this behavior thus, I interfere! Get away from that nigax, dammit!

_But before the Duke could interfere, the nigax leaves Zedd and manifests itself onto the Duke._

Eric: Noez! (_Hops on a horse and flees to the acropolis. Richard and Zedd follow._)

_At the acropolis, Eric and Richard lead the nigax into an empty tomb. Zedd locks it from the outside and before the nigax can kill the two, Richard uses some of the magician's disappearing powder stuff to escape from the tomb. And all is well again!_

Richard: Well, this was quite the party!

Zedd: Indeed it was!

Cara: Kahlan... About what I said in the tomb... I didn't mean it. I would never ever even dream of doing you.

Kahlan: Sure...

Richard: Whut?

* * *

Tally

Add-In: +4 = 40

Book Rape: +0 = 20

Confessed: +0 = 18

Death Toll: +2 = 186

Epic Sword Fight: +0 = 16


	18. Vengeance

_A group of monks are surrounding a single monk lying on his death bed._

A monk: Well, it was nice knowing you!

Dying monk: Noez! I fear the Keeper!

Monk: But the Creator will keep you safe!

Dying monk: Oh. Okay then. _Dies _(_**+1 DT**_)

Another monk: Welp, now Darken Rahl is going to find out our secret location. How wonderful!

_In the Underworld..._

Darken: Welcome to the Underworld! Now if you could give me your name, number, and favorite animal, the Keeper would be willing- Oh Mathew! It's been so long since we last saw each other. Why, you were Daddy's favorite servant! Now where is my Daddy, dammit?

Mathew: Uh... You killed him! He's probably here in the Underworld! Yeah.

Darken: I may be sexy, but I am not stupid! I did kill my father, but he is not here in the Underworld which means I must have failed to kill him!

Mathew: Or maybe he was reincarnated as a puppy!

Darken: STFU! You know where he is, dammit, and I will make you tell me!

_Meanwhile, at Thedd's house..._

_Enter Darken Rahl._

Darken: Thedd! What's up my dear friend? Why, we haven't talked in quite some time now. How are you?

Thedd: Wtf? GTFO! You foul, evil scum!

Darken: Now now, no need to get so upset. Wanna help me kill the man who killed your father?

Thedd: Your father killed my father and you killed your father so he's already dead! HA!

Darken: No he's not. But I found out where he's hiding and I wanna kill him once and for all but I am a ghost and, despite ghosts being one of the most terrifying things ever, we cannot kill people. But I was hoping you can kill him for me.

Thedd: Wh...what? Ghosts can't kill people? Then why are people so afraid of ghosts?

Darken: Well are you in or not?

Thedd: How am I gonna kill some great and powerful wizard?

Darken: With the help of some other great and powerful wizard- Like your brother!

Thedd: Okay! But wait a minute... Why would you want to kill your father and why didn't Zedd kill him way back when you were a child? (**+2 BR**)

Darken: STFU and go kill him already!

_Meanwhile, Richard, Zedd, Kahlan, and Cara are continuing their quest for the Stone of Tears._

Cara: You know... It'll be cool and all when we finally get the Stone of Tears, but does anyone actually know what we're supposed to do with the Stone once we have it?

Kahlan: Use it to seal the veil!

Cara: And how do we do that?

Zedd: Uhhh... Fate! Fate will give us the answer to everything! And if not, Richard will figure it out because he is a super speshul snowflake!

Richard: Yay I'm speshul!

_Enter Thedd._

Thedd: HAI GUYS! I tracked you all down using this super special map Sebastian the mapmaker from season 1, episode 3 made me! And I need to talk to Zedd alone!

_Talks to Zedd alone._

Thedd: I need you to help me track down Panis Rahl and help me kill him!

Zedd: Wait... So lemme get this straight: Nobody, I mean _nobody_ has ever even heard a thing about Panis Rahl for years and years, but suddenly you know his exact location? Bitch, please!

Thedd: Ah, of course. I'm just Theddicus Zorander. What do I know? NOTHING! Because I am but a worthless little shit!

Zedd: You're not _that_ worthless. But seriously... How could you possibly know?

Thedd: Darken Rahl told me!

Zedd: Dammit! He's lying!

Thedd: But he hates Panis too, and wants him dead too! And we made an oath! Remember?

_Flashback_

_At Thedd/Zedd's house decades ago..._

_Enter Zedd._

Zedd: Where's Dad?

Thedd: Dead! He's dead! All because you ran off to play wizard! You could've been here to protect him but nooooo... You leave and Panis Rahl comes and murders our father!

Zedd: Lies!

Thedd: No! LISTEN TO MEH! I heard you and father arguing, couldn't hear what it was about but I saw you stab him!

Zedd: I did no such thing!

Thedd: BUT- You turned into Panis Rahl. Such a sexy, sexy man. Beautiful. Drop-dead gorgeous. I can see where Darken Rahl gets his good looks from. He can break down mai door anytime! Oh mai gawd so hawt almost hawter than Darken himself!

Zedd: lolwhut?

Thedd: Whoops, sorry. That was the author of this parody channeling her opinion on Panis Rahl through me. I have no such feelings towards him!

Zedd: Oh thank goodness. I was worried for a second...

Thedd: But now we must vow to stick this dagger through Panis Rahl's wicked heart!

Zedd: Okays!

_End of flashback_

Thedd: You have to help me kill him! You have to!

Zedd: Okay then.

_Goes back to Richard and friends._

Zedd: Thedd and I got some family business to take care of, okay? Bai!

_Zedd and Thedd magically disappear._

Everyone: Wtf?

_Later, Zedd and Thedd are going on their special sidequest._

Zedd: None of this would have happened if I had only listened to father...

_Flashback. Panis Rahl holds up a baby whom I assume to be Darken Rahl. God damn, Panis was one sexy mo fo. _

Panis: Everyone behold: Darken Rahl- our future leader!

Baby Darken Rahl: _Poops._

Panis: Zedd! You are an amazing friend and have done so much for me... But I have one favor to ask of you. Can you take care of widdle Darkipoo for me? Teach him like how your father taught me? It would mean a lot.

Zedd: Okay!

_Suddenly, time stops. Only Zedd is aware._

Zedd: Oh father!

Zedd's Daddy: Zedd! You cannot do this! You cannot teach magic to the Rahl's because they are evil and will use it against you!

Zedd: Don't tell me what to do!

_Argument ensues. Zedd wins and time unfreezes._

Panis: Oh Caracticus! How wonderful to see you! Wanna join us in celebrating the birth of widdle Darkipoopikins?

Caracticus: BAH-HUMBUG! _Disappears_

Panis: Sheesh. What a downer.

_End of flashback._

Zedd: If only I had listened! I would've been there when Dad died!

Thedd: I thought you had important business to attend to?

Zedd: Yeah... about that...

_Flashback to young Zedd reading a letter. _

_Enter Panis._

Panis: What's that?

Zedd: A letter from my Dad apologizing for ruining your party and he wants me to come home and make peace.

Panis: Oh fathers! Always trying to make peace...

Zedd: But he is still my father so I'm gonna go home now, k?

Panis: K. I wish you all the best. Just such a shame about Arianna...

Zedd: Whut?

Panis: Oh. That's what I came to tell you about. That one chick, Princess Arianna, she likes you. I know you like her. Anyways, it's her last night here. You'll never see her again. Too bad so sad. Unless you decide to postpone...

_End of flashback._

Thedd: What? That was all because of some _girl_?

Zedd: She was a princess! And that's not the point- I was manipulated, dammit!

Thedd: Well, girls will do that to you...

_Meanwhile..._

Richard: Maybe we should go look for Zedd... God dammit! Why doesn't he want our help?

Kahlan: Richard! You should respect Zedd's privacy!

Richard: Don't tell me what to do!

_A piece of parchment falls from the sky, followed by more._

Richard: OMG! The sky is falling!

_In a distance, an old man is seen, frantically grabbing the flying pieces of paper._

Old man: Dammit! My life's work! I'm losing it all! Noez!

_So of course, Richard, Kahlan, and Cara help collect the paper._

Old man: OMG! Sword of Truth! Seeker! OMG!

Richard: Yeah, that's me!

Old man: OMG! I've been looking everywhere for you! I must join you on your quest! I am Horace Gildermann and I am a college student! (**+1 AI**)

Cara: That's cool and all, but we're not hiring anyone right now. But we'll hold on to your application for the future. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Horace: NO! You don't understand! I have important and vital information you must know! There's this Wall of Valdeer (**+1 AI**) that holds a secret scroll that tells you how to use the Stone of Tears! You cannot find it without my help!

Cara: Well what a coinkydink! We were just wondering how to use the Stone of Tears and suddenly some crazy old man appears with the answers to all our problems! Not fishy at all!

Kahlan: It's fate!

Richard: Why don't you just tell us where this wall is, exactly.

Horace: I would but I can't! There's this secret, missing code you need to open the wall and nobody has ever found it except for me!

Richard: Then tell me it...?

Horace: No time! You need me! The world depends on it!

Richard: Okay...

_Meanwhile, Zedd and Thedd are hiding outside of a monastery. Several monks surround the outside. So Zedd pops out and uses magic to kill them! (**+5 DT**) They go inside, destroy a few more monks (**+3 DT**) and find a man whom Zedd and Thedd believe to be Panis Rahl! So Thedd stabs a dagger into the man's heart and kills him. (**+1 DT**) _

Zedd: You dumbass! That's not Panis!

Thedd: Oh. Well... Where is he?

_Enter Darken Rahl._

Darken: I know where he is! Thanks to all those 9 or more monks you just slaughtered, I was able to torture one into giving me information! My father is... In community college!

Thedd: Community college?

Darken: Yes. Community College. The place where old people go to get degrees!

Thedd: Wow! I should go to a community college! Maybe then I can go somewhere in life even though I only have about fifteen years left on me!

Darken: Yes. He is on spring break now, searching for... My brother. Oba Rahl!

Zedd: Oba?

Darken: Wait... no. Drefan!

Thedd: Drefan?

Darken: Dammit! How many sons do I have anyway? I need to stop having so many one night stands!

Zedd: Sons?

Darken: Wait... Is this the TV Show or the books?

Thedd: I don't exist in the books, so I'm gonna go with TV Show.

Darken: Oh. Right. Anyway, my father is looking for Richard. Good luck!

_Meanwhile, Richard, Kahlan, and Horace (who is actually Panis who is actually in the books so... **-1 AI**) are enjoying a meal._

Richard: So, have a family? Kids? Hamsters?

Horace: Sort of. I do have two sons, but they're both total opposites. One is trying to destroy the world, and the other is trying to save it.

Richard: Wow. That is just so... Fascinating! This scene is so pointless!

Horace: Indeed it is! Bedtime!

_The next morning..._

Cara: Get your fat ass out of bed, Horace. We need to get going!

Horace: OMG! Sorry!

_Enter Zedd and Thedd. Upon arriving, Zedd immediately shoots wizard's fire at Horace/Panis. Richard, however, comes to Horace's rescue and blocks the fire with his sword._

Zedd: Richard you idiot! Let me kill that mo fo!

Richard: Wtf? He's a college student, and he's the only one who knows what to do with the Stone of Tears!

Zedd: No he doesn't! He's a liar! He ain't no college student- He's Panis Rahl and he killed my father!

Richard: Penis Rahl?

Zedd: Panis!

Richard: I like "Penis" better...

Cara: That's what she said.

Kahlan: lawl Penis Rahl.

Richard: Panis likes penis.

Cara: lololololololol It's funny because "Panis" sounds like "penis!"

Thedd: Panis really should change that "a" to an "e." His name would be much more suitable!

Panis: Oh ha ha ha. You all are so creative and original with your jokes! Nobody else ever made the connection between Panis and penis. Oh sooo funny!

Zedd: So you admit! You are Penis- I mean... Panis Rahl!

Panis: Yes... I admit it... Richard, I am your father!

Richard: Oh schnap! My father really is a dick!

Panis: No! The only thing I ever lied about is my name! Everything else is true! You nnnneeeeedd me!

Zedd: Lies!

Panis: I felt bad for everything I had done, so I decided to go back to school and pursue a career that didn't involve power- History!

Zedd: Lies!

Panis: Noez! I spent half me life searching for information on the Stone of Tears! My ways have changed!

Richard: Oh. Okay then.

Zedd: Nooooo! He's just charming you like he charmed me!

Richard: Oh, well...

Panis: Listen to me!

Zedd: Listen to me!

Panis: I'm right!

Zedd: No, I'm right!

Panis: No, you're right!

Zedd: No, you are!

Panis: There you have it, Richard. I'm right.

Zedd: Dammit! He killed my father!

Panis: I know. I'm sorry about that. But listen to my reason!

_Flashback to young, sexy Panis and a nurse caring for baby Darken._

Nurse: Widdle Darkipoo is sick, my Lord. Some sort of curse only a great and powerful wizard could've casted.

Panis: Well, this sucks. But oh well. Let him die, and I will have a mord sith bring him back to life!

_End of flashback._

Zedd: My father wouldn't have killed a baby!

Panis: Oh, I know right? So that's why I went to your father's house disguised as you, Zedd! To find answers!

_Flashback to Caracticus' house._

Panis disguised as Young Zedd: Father! Did you do it? Did you cast that horrible spell upon sweet, widdle, innocent, Darkipoopikins?

Caracticus: Yes but I had to! A witch, Shota, came to me and told me that Darken Rahl was going to grow up and kill his father! And do other evil things. He must die, dammit and if my curse didn't kill him then you must kill him instead!

Zedd: Oh hell no! _Stabs Caracticus with knife._

_End of flashback._

Panis: And so I had to kill your father to save my family!

Zedd: Bullcrap! You killed him because you feared his magic would bring an end to the Rahl's.

Panis: If that is the case, then why didn't I kill you too? I'll tell you why- because I loved you. I loved you so much Zedd!

Richard: Oh my God... You're _gay_! Panis really does like penis!

Kahlan: _giggle_

Panis: ENOUGH! Now, where was I? Oh yes. Years down the road, I felt bad for killing Caracticus and realized it was a dumbass thing to do. So I sired another child destined to kill Darken Rahl! That son is... Richard!

Richard: lawl you said ass.

Panis: Richard, please. Let me help you!

_That night, a group of Sisters of the Dark are sleeping at a campfire. Darken Rahl appears._

Darken: Hey sisters! Richard and friends are on their way to the Wall of Valdeer to get this scroll. I need you all to beat them there, wait in hiding, and once they have the scroll- attack and steal that scroll and bring it to me! And while you're at it, kill the old college student that's with them.

Sister: Okay!

_Panis, Richard, and the rest of the gang find their way to the Wall of Valdeer. _

Panis: Open Sesame!

_The wall opens, revealing a scroll._

Cara: Open sesame? Really?

Panis: Here you go, Richard. The scroll just for you! Good luck and I am so proud of you!

Thedd: Die, dammit! _Proceeds to stab Panis, but Zedd stops him._Wtf Zedd? We had a vow!

Zedd: Yeah, this was before we knew the whole story and before he helped us find the scroll-

_Shrieks are suddenly heard as the Sisters of the Dark prepare to attack. Richard pulls out his sword and an epic sword fight ensues (**+1 ESF**). What else is new? Four Sisters of the Dark are killed. (**+4 DT**)**.** One of the Sisters runs off with the scroll and another Sister kills Panis. (**+1 DT**)._

Richard: Well, fuck. I meet my real mother, she dies in that same one hour segment. I meet my real father, he dies in the same one hour segment! What gives?

Thedd: You wanna know what gives? The fact that Panis Rahl turned out to be good after all! I mean, really? He's just as bad and evil as his son, but he turns out good in the end? That shit does not happen in the books! (**+1 BR**).

_Meanwhile, in the Underworld..._

Darken: Daddy! _Hugs. _ I forgive you for everything!

Panis: Yayz!

_Back in the real world._

Richard: So it appears the Sister went that way with the scroll. I guess that's where we're going now!

Thedd: Coolbeans! I'm gonna go home now, k? Bai! _Leaves._

Zedd: Well, we're nearing the end of the episode yet we still have time for one more flashback! Who wants to hear it?

Richard: I do! I do!

Zedd: Okay...

_Flashback to Panis and young Zedd in the castle. _

Panis: Zedd... I'm having trouble conceiving a child. I think there's something wrong with me. Can you fix it?

Zedd: Okay! _Uses magic to give Panis a fully-functional penis._

Panis: Sweet!

_End of flashback._

Zedd: So technically... It is I who created Darken Rahl!

Kahlan: Fuck the what? That doesn't happen in the books! (**+1 BR**)

Richard: Lawl Panis had a bad penis.

* * *

Tally

Add-In: +1 = 41

Book Rape: +4 = 24

Confessed: +0 = 18

Death Toll: +15 = 201

Epic Sword Fight: +1 = 17

Zomg That happened!: +0 = 12


End file.
